"2009 Is Makin' Me Crazy"

Hello All! So, New Year's Eve was quite entertaining ... All day long the girls acted like crazy monkeys & Angelina kept shouting "2009 is makin' me crazy"! In case you're wondering if Bob & I dumped the kids off with my parents & celebrated 2009 out on the town - We did not! We started our New Year's Eve family tradition 5 years ago - we stay at home & celebrate with the girls. As my Mother said last week, "Going out on New Year's Eve is for amateur drinkers ... AND those who yearn for an accidental pregnancy" (I quite clearly do NOT fall into either category). I know, I know, Tuey gets funnier & funnier with age (she is going to kill me for writing that). Anyway, Angelina & Caroline made chocolate cupcakes, which we baked in the still CRAZY ovens. The "GE Men" are here right now trying to fix them. Although I must confess, cooking in ovens at unknown temperatures works well for me. Okay, back to New Year's Eve... After indulging in the chocolate cupcakes, we all jumped in the spa. At 10 o'clock we toasted with champagne & went to bed. Exciting? Hell ya... Life is ALWAYS exciting in this house! At 3:30 am on New Year's Day, Angelina woke up screaming with an ear infection. Our pediatrician isn't open on New Year's Day, but she called in a prescription for numbing drops. So, on New Year's Day, I made my usual black-eyed peas & cabbage. For those of you who do not know, I am very superstitious. I eat the black-eyed peas for good luck & the cabbage for money in the New Year. And for those of you who don't know, Bob eats neither black-eyed peas nor cabbage, but every year I make him eat one spoonful of my "Good Luck" concoction. Unfortunately, this year I gave him too big of a spoonful & he actually threw up in the kitchen sink. BUT like any superstitious crazy loon, I forced him to eat another spoonful, since the first one didn't stay down. Because Bob is a VERY good husband, he indulged my neurosis & ate another bite... This time it stayed down.

Okay, so onto Friday, January 2nd... I took Angelina to the Dr. & got some antibiotics.... THEN, I dropped off both kids at my parents' house for the night. BTW, Caroline is suffering from a really bad cough, too. My poor parents... I left two sick kids, a hot-steam vaporizer & a shit-load of medication at my parents house today at about 2:30. I just called to make sure everything was okay ... According to my Mother, Caroline announced that she is entering a "horse race" as a HORSE!!! Well, got to go spend some quality, ALONE time with my husband. Below are some photos of New Year's Eve...

Quick Complaint

Okay, there is something that I don't understand... AND for once, it doesn't involve my children. Why are there people out there who call themselves "intellectuals"? I know, this really has nothing to do with anything, but it is something that has been driving me crazy for quite some time. I mean really, who has the audacity to label him/herself a "deep thinker"? Is it just me OR does that not shout "I am an idiot with low self-esteem"? Okay, there, I'm done. Thank you.

We Reached A Milestone Today!

I actually went to a movie today with Angelina & Caroline - My girls, my BIG girls. There was no squirming, no whining, nothing... Just my 2 big girls, sipping on cokes & munching on popcorn. I couldn't believe it. It is a moment that I have been waiting for, for a long time. I have fond memories of my Mother & I going to the movies. We spent some great times in movie theatres. We went to a midnite showing of "Pet Cemetery" at the Dollar Theatre when I was in the 8th grade - We ended up scared to death & we still talk about it to this day. I have gone to the movies with the girls before, but in the past it has involved me chasing Caroline around the theatre after about 30 minutes into the show. But today was different, it was something that almost brought me to tears.... Okay, almost... I'm not that sappy. On a much funnier note, when we got home from the movie, Caroline immediately went & laid down on our bed & complained that her tummy hurt (I'm sure the popcorn, fruit chews & Dr. Pepper had nothing to do with it). To emphasize just how bad her tummy hurt, Caroline started breathing quite heavily. THEN, something completely unexpected happened.... Angelina crawled up onto the bed, looked at Caroline AND with total disgust in her voice said, "I know what's going on here... Caroline is 3 years old AND she is having a baby." She shook her head back & forth in complete disappointment & shame AND left the room. I laughed so hard, I nearly peed my pants. Caroline went to sleep & I promptly called my Mother.

The Christmas Miracle Arrived... Just in Time!

I managed to successfully cook Christmas Eve dinner in ovens that heated to unknown temperatures & had to be turned on & off at the breaker box. Seriously, I had no idea what temperature I was cooking the turkey at... I just threw the bird in & when it turned brown, I took it out & threw it on the table! Not bad... Not bad at all. Angelina & Caroline had a wonderful Christmas. As always, Tuey & Papa really came thru with some fabulous gifts. After watching High School Musical repeatedly, (a gift from Grandpa Neil & "P") the girls were THRILLED to receive the High School Musical costumes from Tuey & Pappa! Last year we set up the Christmas tree in the family room, but this year we put it in the formal living room. Concerned that Santa would come down the chimney in the family room, not see a Christmas tree & leave, the girls made paper arrows & placed them on the floor, leading from the fireplace to the living room. After securing the path, the girls set out cookies & milk for Santa. Caroline went the extra step & placed a bottle of Tums next to the cookies. That Caroline is ALWAYS thinking. Okay, onto Christmas Morning---- Because Angelina & Caroline were so good this year, Santa delivered everything they asked for - Angelina received her "Barbie & the Diamond Castle" Castle & Caroline received her CAROUSEL size riding horse. Below are some photos of the kids.... Enjoy!

Christmas Miracle... I'm WAITING!!!!

First of all, let me start by wishing everyone a lovely Christmas. Now that that's out of the way, I am going to complain about my last 24 hours. At 2pm yesterday, my new double ovens were installed. I was excited ... They were here just in time for my Christmas Eve cooking extravaganza. At 6pm, the girls & I decided to break-in the new ovens by making cupcakes. The cupcakes baked to perfection - I was happy, the girls were happy, Christmas was proceeding as planned. As I blissfully skipped past the ovens, I turned them off. However, about 7:45 Bob discovered that BOTH ovens were still on... That's right, my ovens are possessed! We tinkered with everything we could & nothing worked, so Bob finally went outside to the breaker box & cut the power. Upon his return, as he walked through the front door, he noticed that there was a freakin' bird sitting in our Christmas tree - NOT the ornament kind. We had to turn off all the lights in house, while Bob stood in the front doorway shining a flashlight to attract the bird outside. There we all stood in a pitch-dark house, ducking & screaming while the bird flew around like a nut, running into walls. The bird finally exited the house. We have no idea how the bird got in the house or how long it had been sitting in our fake Christmas tree. I haven't checked because I don't want to, but I am pretty sure there is bird crap on the packages. Oh well, I guess that's what wrapping paper is for. In case you're wondering, Bob restored power to the ovens this morning, so I cook the turkey. Supposedly GE will be out on Friday... IF the ovens don't explode before then!!!!!!!!!

Who Am I Kidding?

We are Jewish! Last nite was the first nite of Hanukah & we broke out the menorah! We lucked out this year & our neighbor allowed Angelina & Caroline borrow a book about Hanukkah... So, this year, Angelina actually read the appropriate prayer aloud as we lit the first candle. Angelina was so excited...

"Hanukah Has Begun"!

On Friday morning when I took Angelina to her classroom, Mrs. Kapur asked Angelina if she was excited about Christmas. Angelina advised Mrs. Kapur that she was more excited about the start of Hanukah. Of course, Mrs. Kapur then looked at me & said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I mean Happy Hanukah." I accepted the "Happy Hanukah," then explained that we're not Jewish! I have spent my entire life telling people, I'm not Jewish. Do you have any idea how many people over the years have just assumed that I am Jewish? We're talking thousands... For example, the other day I was in line at Old Navy... The salesclerk working the register ended each sale with "Merry Christmas". It was a long line, so I heard the guy say "Merry Christmas" over & over. At the end of my check-out, the guy handed me my receipt & said, "And a very Happy Hanukah to you." I have many close friends who are Jewish - it goes without saying that being Jewish is great, BUT I'm Lutheran! (Okay, I do have the Star Of David in Israel blue tattooed on my right butt-cheek, but that's another story). Anyway, Angelina's Pre-K teacher was Jewish & she really got Angelina hooked on Hanukah. I even bought a Menorah & a dreidel last year because Angelina wanted to celebrate Hanukah and we did (In fact, above is a photo of our menorah)! So, at 6 o'clock this morning, I was snuggled down in the covers, sound asleep, when all of a sudden Angelina burst into our room shouting, "Hanukah has begun"!!! I got up, took Angelina to the calendar hanging on the pantry door & showed her that Hanukah starts TOMORROW!!!! Guess, I will be up early tomorrow morning, too. Happy Hanukah, Everyone!

Will I Survive Christmas?

I went to bed on Thursday nite giddy with excitement because Friday was the last day of school & I was looking forward to Christmas! In my head were visions of joy, turkey, eggnog, new stainless steel double ovens... How naive was I? Well, you're about to find out! Okay, last year Bob & I made the catastrophic mistake of waiting until Christmas Eve to assemble toys. We were both sick with upper respiratory infections & we didn't get to bed until Christmas Day... It was a nightmare! Realizing the error of our ways, this year we planned ahead & dropped the kids off at my parents' house for the day, so we could assemble everything. I was really proud of us for being on top of things this year. Hell, I was done with all of the Christmas shopping before Thanksgiving. But just like every other aspect of being a parent, once you think you're in control, something happens & you quickly realize you're not! So, we turned on some Christmas music, drank some eggnog & wrapped & assembled toys. About 2pm, we reached the final toy- Caroline's bouncy horse. After an hour of trying to interpret a poorly written assembly booklet, which was actually missing a page, we got the damn thing assembled. After staring at the completed product for about 30 seconds, we realized that it was too small for Caroline to ride. There we stood, 4 days before Christmas, without the one thing Caroline wanted most for Christmas. If it weren't for the brandy in the eggnog, I probably would have hyperventilated!!!! I returned the fully assembled horse to the store, Bob got on the internet & found the horse we should have bought in the first place. Unfortunately, because it was 4 days before Christmas, the horse was out-of-stock everywhere. BUT THEN we experienced a Christmas miracle. I called the Toys R Us hotline & the very nice lady informed me that there was ONE horse left in all of Phoenix.... I was so happy, I almost cried. THEN, she advised that the horse was located at the Toys R Us on Dunlap. Then I really thought I was going to cry. For those of you unfamiliar with Phoenix, you NEVER want to go anywhere located on or near Dunlap ... It is a very dangerous area. But what choice did I have? I jumped in my mini-van & went to rescue Caroline's horse from the ghetto! When I arrived at the Toys R Us, which by the way had the Mexican flag hanging, I parked & called my parents to tell them "good-bye" ... Seriously, I wanted them to know that if I didn't arrive to pick up the kids, that I had died a noble death. Obviously I am writing about the experience, so I survived the trip to the Dunlap Toys R Us & successfully rescued the horse. Above is a photo of the two sleeping monkeys. Look at them, sleeping so peacefully, they have no idea what craziness we go through to make them happy... AND of course, that's how it should be!

Caroline's Day of Beauty

So, Tuey & Pappa babysat Caroline on Friday afternoon and brought both girls manicure sets. When Angelina came home from school, she immediately sat Caroline down & proceeded to "beautify" her! Poor, poor Caroline... Have you ever seen so much jewelry on one person? Surprisingly, Caroline took the whole thing very seriously...

I'm Still Alive!

So, I haven't posted in awhile because things have been so busy around here!!! Nothing too funny has occurred, which is rare for us, but here is a list of what has happened during the past week:

(1) We had a Cookie Exchange Party to go to last nite & my top oven broke on Wednesday. Nice timing, right? Oh, who am I kidding... I was so excited when that damn thing broke. First, I didn't have to bake anything AND because I had a legitimate excuse for not baking cookies, I was able to bring store-bought pastries without looking like a lazy ass! Second, we started our kitchen remodel about 6 months ago, we replaced all of the appliances with stainless steel EXCEPT for the double ovens. Every morning I walk into the kitchen & see those bright white double ovens & cringe. Luckily we renewed our home warranty & the repair man doesn't think the ovens can be fixed, so the home warranty company is going to cash us out... THANK GOD!!! Finally, new ovens... My kitchen will be complete!!!!! By the way, below is a photo of us before the party last nite...

(2) I think I have mentioned before that Angelina was born with the "Bossy Disease". Well, this morning Angelina & Caroline were playing Barbies in the playroom, when Angelina began dictating what Barbie Caroline could play with & telling Caroline what to make the Barbie wear & say. Well, after about 30 minutes of playing with the World's Smallest Control Freak, Caroline threw down her Barbie & left. She came into our bedroom, laid on the bed & proceeded to watch SpongeBob. Angelina came running after Caroline, begging her to come back & play. Caroline told Angelina "No Way". Angelina promised to play nice, but Caroline showed her absolutely no mercy. Then Caroline popped her thumb out of her mouth, looked Angelina straight in the eyes & said, "Rub my feet & scratch my butt, AND maybe I'll come back & play with you." That's my girl!

I Wonder Which List She Will Make?

So, last nite Angelina asked if she could call Tuey (that's my Mom). I dialed the number, gave Angelina the phone & went about my business. THEN, I heard Angelina say, "Tuey, I need to talk to you in private". Angelina went into our master bedroom closet & shut the door. The whole privacy thing didn't surprise me, since every time I ask the child a question, she usually responds "I can't tell you, it's Top Secret." Well, after Angelina finally hung up with my Mother, I immediately called her back to find out what Angelina had said (there is no such thing as "privacy" in my house). Before I reveal their "private conversation", I need to give you some background information. My children have one extremely large Disney Princess castle & 3 dollhouses. So, when Angelina announced that she wanted the Barbie Diamond Castle "Castle" for Christmas, I said "Are you crazy? You have 4 freakin' dollhouses, just call one the Diamond Castle"! Okay, I wasn't that blunt, you know, I used nice Mommy language. Anyway, I fully intended to stand my ground on this one... Seriously, we are going to need a bigger house if the kids keep collecting all this huge Barbie crap. BUT then, about a month ago, the Toys R Us catalog arrived. Angelina cut out the picture of the Diamond Castle "Castle" & put it in her Treasure Box. In a very sad, little voice she told me that if she could never have the castle, at least she could look at it occasionally. I know, she is a master manipulator. What else could I do? I bought the damn thing & Santa will be delivering it in a couple of weeks. So back to the closet conversation with Tuey. According to my Mom, this is the conversation that took place:

Angelina: Tuey, I really want the Barbie & the Diamond Castle "Castle"for Christmas... I have to have it.
Tuey: Why don't you ask Santa for it... You should write him a letter!
Angelina: What? That man doesn't know what he is doing.... You will need to get it.

What the hell? What 5 year old doubts Santa's ability to get the job done? Doesn't she know that he is keeping a Naughty & Nice list?

Good-Bye, Telluride!

Well, we're back from a fabulous time in Telluride!!! When we first arrived, there was snow, but definitely not enuf snow to qualify for the "Winter Wonderland" that the kids (AND Bob) were hoping to see. But it started to snow heavily on Thanksgiving Day & it dumped snow all nite long!!! Needless to say, when Angelina & Caroline peeked out the window on Friday morning, they were in total awe. So, they did what any other 3 & 5 year old would do, they ran outside onto the balcony barefoot in their nightgowns. Then they ran inside screaming. Anyway, now I must take a moment to brag about my children. Will this make you roll your eyes? Will this make you think, "Would this woman please shut-up"? Of course, it will... But, stay with me for just a moment. I have a well-founded suspicion that my girls are ski prodigies. On the 1st first day of ski lessons, Angelina was put in the 8-9 yr. old class. AND on Caroline's 2nd day of skiing, she was bumped from the 3yr. old class to the 5-6yrs. old class. Granted, Angelina has been skiing for 2 years & Caroline for 1 year, but still.... I am one really proud Mama. There, I'm done. It wasn't that bad, was it? Below are some photos of our trip. Now, back to reality...

Here Are Some SnapShots from Telluride!

A Mann Family Tradition!

Why break a family tradition... It's what memories are made of, right? Well, I woke up with a horrific head cold on Tuesday morning. Then it morphed into a painful sinus infection... So I topped off my yummy Thanksgiving dinner with a big dose of Prednisone to reduce my sinus membrane swelling! On the incredibly bright-side, this year's Thanksgiving illness did not involve vomiting or diarrhea (THANK GOD). Don't fear though, we are the Mann Family--- We may stick with tradition, but we still know how to mix things up ... Below is a short list of Thanksgiving Firsts:

(1) The first day we arrived in Telluride, our dainty little Angelina did a not-so dainty thing in the condo powder room and stopped up the toilet! Not bad for a 5 year old.
(2) The first night in the condo, Caroline crawled into bed next to me around 3am... She drank a big sippy of chocolate milk and then climbed onto my back where she slept while I slept on my stomach.... THEN, Caroline peed a river!

Good Luck With Your Turkey!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

As many of you know, Thanksgiving to the Mann Family has repeatedly meant the stomach flu. That's right, throwing up & diarrhea! We even had it when I was pregnant with Angelina.... Believe me, bending over a toilet at 7 months pregnant is almost impossible. Actually, suffering thru the virus really makes you realize what you are truly thankful for! Last year we even added a twist, first we had strep THEN the stomach flu! Anyway, tomorrow at 1:30 we are headed for Telluride, Colorado. Bob & the kids are so excited about skiing & I am so excited about sitting in a nice, cozy bar drinking coffee & Bailey's (with the Whip) ALONE. Bob's parents will be joining us for the big Thanksgiving vacation festivities, so I also hope to get an adult-only, romantic dinner out of the vacation! Pray for snow & health!

Love,
Emily

EWI... I'm Guilty!

So, if you read the prior post, then you know that CBS visited our neighborhood on Friday. Well, when I received the initial e-mail from our community association on Wed. describing the reality show CBS hopes to film in Grayhawk (posted below), I did something really irresponsible... I e-mailed while intoxicated! Actually, I had only consumed ONE glass of wine, so "intoxicated" is probably too strong of a word, but I need some excuse for my actions. I sent the following to e-mail to CBS:

"I live in Grayhawk in Scottsdale, AZ, & I just received an e-mail from our community association regarding what I presume is the “Block Party” reality show that CBS intends on producing. If you get a chance, check-out my blog at: http://babychippieandtheprincess.blogspot.com/
My family could be a reality show all by itself! My husband & I are both lawyers raising two hilarious little girls!"

Did I think a CBS producer would contact me the very next day? Did I expect a CBS casting director to call & ask to meet with me? Did I expect strangers to enjoy my blog? Hell No!!! Will you be seeing the Mann family on TV any time soon? No- to poor Bob's disappointment. Seriously, Bob really wanted to do the show. FYI- Whoever does the show will be sequestered for three straight weeks this summer ... I can't live without my Mother for 3 weeks!!! Now, there's a show- A 32 year old woman who is attached to her mother. HOWEVER, I am definitely still open to any offers that would involve me playing a lawyer on TV!

Too Funny!!!!

I just received this e-mail from our Neighborhood Association:

"A casting producer from CBS contacted the Grayhawk Community Association today to invite the residents of Grayhawk to apply for a new reality competition series. The network is looking for spirited and entertaining families that live in the same neighborhood to participate in a competition for substantial cash and prizes. Network representatives have specifically selected Grayhawk as their first choice in Arizona because they believe the community is perfectly fit to this series.This is an exciting opportunity to show off your fabulous community to the nation, take part in a unique family bonding experience, and compete for a huge grand prize.
We have agreed to host a meeting with the Casting Producer, Ms. Kathie Kopa, live via conference from L.A. The meeting will take place this Friday at 5:00 pm at the GCA office. At that time, Ms. Kopa will fill residents in with all the details about the show and application process. They are hoping to have casting tapes submitted from interested families as soon as possible. "

Ballet 'Smallet!

Okay, get ready... I am about to do some major complaining. Let's see, where to begin... Angelina has been taking dance at the same studio since she was 3. And every year, 3 months prior to the recital, I go in and video-tape the instructor performing the recital routine so that Angelina can practice at home. That's right, I am a stage-mom, I'll admit it. So, there's the background information for my rant. Well, this year Angelina will be performing in a February ballet production in addition to the end-of-the-year recital. What does this mean? It means that in addition to her Tuesday evening ballet class, she also has to attend a Friday evening rehearsal. Keep in mind that I also have to take Caroline to her ballet & tap class during the week. I am constantly at the dance studio ... Needless to say, the dance studio profits quite a bit from us- We pay the monthly class dues & we pay the performance & recital fees. We also buy the performance costumes & we buy the girls' leotards & dance shoes from the studio store. It's a down economy, right? Right or wrong, I expect a little gratitude from the staff & the owners. Do I expect special treatment? No, but I do expect a little respect. Well, at last Friday's rehearsal, the 40yr. old teacher (I am being kind to call her 40) was not present. In her place, was a 15 yr. old girl named Elizabeth. Parents are not allowed in the studio during rehearsal, but they can watch through a one-way window. I watched the entire hour & 15 minutes rehearsal. In my opinion, the rehearsal went well. Do the girls need to practice more? Yes, but the freakin' performance isn't until mid-February. At the end of the rehearsal, all of the mothers noticed that Elizabitch (I'm sorry , I mean "Elizabeth") exhibited a very nasty facial expression as she talked to the girls. Well, as soon as we got to the car, Angelina burst into tears. Angelina relayed Elizabitch's comments to me & basically, she told the little girls that they "sucked". NOT OKAY. So, I called the dance studio & left a message for the 40 yr. old teacher. I explained that I didn't feel that Elizabitch's comments were constructive or appropriate. I also stated that I expected to see an adult at the next Friday rehearsal, not a teenager. Well, at this past Tuesday's dance class, I approached the teacher & asked whether she had received my message. She advised me that she had received my message & that she didn't see anything wrong with Elizabitch's comments. She went onto say that & I quote, "the girls are NOT good at this routine & need to be told that they are dancing poorly." WHAT THE F&$#? Excuse my language, but are you kidding me? These kids are 5 years old!!!!! I am all about practicing & trying hard, but get real!!! My knee-jerk reaction was to call the woman old & fat... BUT I refrained. My real solution- I am sending Bob to this Friday's rehearsal. Ha Ha Ha... Bob may be "Mr. Calm", but just mess with Angelina.... Good luck, Elizabeth & Mrs. Roberts!!!!!

Oh, Baby Chippie...

So, Caroline came home from school today with a handwritten note from her teacher. In the note, Caroline's teacher relays the following story as told by Caroline to her class this afternoon:

"My Mom makes brownies. Dad only makes brownies a tiny bit of time. Dad makes brownies that are hard as a rock. That made my teeth fall out and I could only say 'ummm ummmm'. Well.... My teeth didn't really fall out, but Dad does make good, hard brownies, or maybe they were just lollipop brownies. I love lollipop brownies."

Interesting... Bob has never made brownies in his life... AND for the record, I have no idea what a "lollipop brownie" is!!!!

Whoops...

So, yesterday I went to the grocery store WITH coupons. Luckily, I found a great parking space... It was a parking space located directly across from the shopping cart drop-off. So, I pulled into the parking space, put the car in "Park" & proceeded to look thru my coupons. All of sudden, somewhere between the Bounty paper towels & deli coupons, I heard a horrible grinding sound. Well, I looked up from my coupon pile just in time to see the shopping cart drop-off thingy being pushed across the parking lot by my Mini-Van, which was actually in "Drive," NOT "Park". Fabulous, huh???? Before getting out to check the damage to the front-end of my car, I called my Mother. After relaying the whole story to her, she had only one question, only one comment: "YOU shop with coupons?" Okay, I will admit that this is the first time I have ever used coupons, but seriously, I had just rammed my mini-van into the shopping cart drop-off thingy. So, I hung up with my Mom, got out of the car & inspected for damage. There was a slight crack in the frame. Well, when I arrived home, I told Bob the whole story. Bob's only reaction was as follows: "YOU shop with coupons?" Either my Mother & my husband are the same freakin' person or I am not a discount shopper!!!! After explaining that "yes" I was shopping with coupons, I proceeded to tell Bob that I couldn't tell if the crack in the frame of the mini-van was from hitting the shopping cart drop-off thingy or from running into the tool bench in the garage last year. Bob's response was as follows: "Emily, are you listening to yourself?" Damn, I guess I'm a bad driver, too!!!

No Comment...

As many of you know, Angelina & Caroline are HUGE Barbie fans. They each have about 30-40 Barbie dolls. They play on Barbie.com daily. I think you get the picture. About a month ago, Angelina discovered that Barbie would be making a special appearance at our SuperWalmart today at noon. AND let's be clear, we're not talking about just any old Barbie- we're talking about Barbie from "Barbie & the Diamond Castle"!!! The girls even picked out matching pink dresses to wear to meet Barbie. So, the entire family arrived at SuperWalmart 15 minutes early to avoid having to wait in a long line. Well, there was no line. In fact, there was no freakin' Barbie!!!!!!! There was, however, a large cardboard advertisement for Barbie Diamond Castle & 3 really nervous Mattel representatives. When I asked when Barbie would be arriving, I was advised that "Barbie" couldn't be reached on her cell phone. Then the representative whispered in my ear, "Is it okay to want to kill Barbie"? To kill time, we took the kids to McDonald's for lunch. Unfortunately, the real Barbie never arrived (I can only assume she stayed up too late the night before exotic dancing at a "Gentleman's Club" & overslept). Anyway, when we returned to meet Barbie, to our horror, the only Mattel representative who could squeeze into the Barbie costume was taking photos with children. It just happened to be the Asian representative. I mean seriously, putting a blonde guy in the damn dress would have been more convincing. I am not trying to be politically incorrect, nor am I saying that all princesses need to be Caucasian women with blonde hair & blue eyes... BUT for God's sake, we are talking about a 5yr. old & a 3yr. old who had their hearts set on seeing "Barbie"!!!!! Bob deferred to me when it came to explaining why the real "Barbie" was MIA. Like any good Mom, I lied. I told Angelina & Caroline that Barbie had the throw-up flu & her good friend had come to visit in her place. Angelina seemed to buy the excuse.... Caroline? Well, if Caroline could have said, "What a bunch of bullshit", she would have!

B-O-R-I-N-G

So after discovering our scissors were missing on Monday, I fully expected this week to be full of craziness. However, this week has turned out to be quite boring! By the way, I never found the scissors despite my best search efforts. Both kids claim they didn't take them... Do I believe them? Well, let's put it this way- If they were on trial for the crime, I wouldn't convict, but I fully expect to find my drapes cut to shreds some time within the next month. Speaking of court, Bob had oral argument before the Court of Appeals on Wednesday. I actually went to the hearing & sat as co-counsel with him. Of course, I use the term "co-counsel" very loosely. You see, Bob spent days & days preparing for the oral argument. I, on the otherhand, bought a new pair of pantyhose & carefully applied my make-up the morning of. You have to admit, I look like I could play an attorney on TV! Oh & I do have one funny thing to report about Baby Chippie. At school on Monday, Caroline's teacher asked the class if anyone knew the name of the new month. According to Mrs. Lane, Caroline raised her hand & yelled, "It's Octember"! Who knew? Happy Octember, Everyone!

Noooooooooooo!!!!!

Given Baby Chippie's history of expressing her artistic talents on our furniture, I was horrified to discover this morning that we are missing the pair of "pasta scissors" from our knife set. That's right folks, scissors... Do you know what a wild Baby Chipmunk can do with a pair of scissors? I can assure you that the possibilities are endless!!! I just used them last nite while cooking dinner, so they haven't been gone long. Both kids are at school right now, so I am going to go turn their playroom & bedroom upside down. I have gone from Mommy to Prison Guard searching for contraband & it's only Monday. I'm gonna flip their mattresses over just like they do in those prison documentaries. There is no telling what I am going to find!!! I wonder if I should wear gloves?

I Survived Halloween!

As you can see from the pictures below, Halloween was a ton of fun. I was going to wear my witch costume, but the temperature was around 90 degrees at 5pm, so I decided to go as a "CaveGirl" instead. THEN, after about 2 glasses of wine, I changed into my cheerleader costume. AND, after about 3 glasses of wine, my good friend Kristy put on her scary, red hands & pretended to grope me for the camera. We could be the stars of "Stay-At-Home Moms Gone Wild" ; ) Like any good parents, we forced the Grandpas to take the girls trick-or-treating around the neighborhood... Angelina & Caroline had so much fun & luckily, neither grandpa died of a heat-stroke!!! Where would be without the grandparents?

Busy, Busy, Busy...

As most of you know, Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday, so I am very excited about tomorrow... BUT things have been so outrageously hectic this week, especially today. This is my schedule for today:

8:45 Drop-off Angelina at school
9:00 Take Caroline to her school to be in the "Animal Costume Parade"... Take Caroline home
10:45 Go to Angelina's school to help at her class Halloween party
12:15 Drop-off Caroline at school
12:30 Pick-up Angelina from school (It was an "early release" day b/c of P/T Conferences)
1:00 Go to Caroline's school to help at her class Halloween party
3:00 Pick-up Caroline from school

Luckily, both kids have a school holiday tomorrow... If I can just survive today!!!!

Naughty, Naughty Chippie...

If you had to guess, what would you say that is a photo of? Give up? Well, it is the back of a very expensive leather chair that sits in my living room. The black squiggly marks? Well, that is courtesy of Miss Caroline & the permanent black marker she found in my "nick-nack drawer". Surely you are asking yourself, "Where was Emily while Caroline was marking all over the furniture"? Well, I was vacuuming as I do everyday. By the way, Caroline also drew all over our coffee table, side table & let's not forget the GIGANTIC "C" she drew on top of our middle couch cushion. For all those parents out there who have yet to experience their precious child's talent for graffiti art: Coppertone SunBlock takes permanent marker right off of wood. It works pretty good on leather, but you also have to use alcohol, which kind of bleaches the leather.

A Few Interesting Tidbits...

There hasn't been too much excitement this week (YET), but I do have some funny things to share regarding Baby Chippie:

(1) Everyday at preschool, there is a "question of the day". If the parents are lucky, the teachers will occasionally post the children's answers. Well, Monday was my lucky day- Mrs. Lane posted each student's answer to "What do you like to buy at the grocery store". Some kids said that they like to buy bananas & some kids said that they like to buy crackers.... MY child said that she likes to buy "Cherry Lattes". Well, at least she didn't say "pickle dick"!

(2) As some of you know, Caroline pronounces her "F's" as "Y's", so Bob & I have been trying to work with her to correct the mispronunciation. Well today, as Caroline & I were driving back from dance class, we started talking about Halloween. In response to something I said, Caroline shouted, "That would really Freak me out." That's right, she actually said "Freak" instead of "Yeak". As you can imagine, I was overjoyed. So, I asked Caroline to say "Freak out" just one more time... In a very irritated voice, Caroline responded, "Don't push it, Mommy." I don't use that phrase, so I have no idea where she picked it up...

 

(3) Caroline & Bob were driving to Lowe's on Saturday & Caroline announced that she believes TinkerBell is "trying to kill her"... No explanation for that one.

Mother, You Will Appreciate This...

So, I have seen a few comments regarding Angelina's reading ability... Believe me, I am just as shocked as anyone else. BECAUSE.... As my Mother will tell you, when I was in kindergarten, I was put in the "slow class". Let's be clear... The "slow class" is NOT a term I came up with on my own, it is a term that the Midland, Texas, school system created. I was placed in the "slow class" because I couldn't read. That's right, I was in kindergarten & couldn't read. There you have it, my confession. My poor Mother still reminisces about the stigma of having a daughter in the "slow kindergarten class". Just so you know, to this day, I do not enjoy reading. Of course, Angelina is the exact opposite... She actually brings books to the park & reads to the children... I'm not joking, she actually does that!

A Bedtime Story

Clearly it is a good thing that Angelina can read because, well, because it is a good thing to be able to read. BUT what I really appreciate about Angelina's literacy is the fact that she reads bedtime stories to Caroline. Mommy Duty #798 delegated!!!! Take a look at the video.. Does she read with flair or what???

We Look Like Good People Who Say Good Things, Right?

I am the first to admit that before I had children I had a pretty foul mouth. Of course, if you ask my parents or Bob they will tell you I still do, but I realllly try hard not to use bad language in front of the children. And with the exception of occasional road rage, I am quite successful with my efforts. I am laying this groundwork before I share my most recent Baby Chippie story with you, so you will know that this incident was not my fault. On Friday, Angelina had a dance rehearsal after school. The rehearsal was running a little later than expected & Caroline was getting a little restless. Like any good 3yr. old, she started running up & down the halls of the dance studio. Well, when I stopped her & told her she couldn't run in the halls, Caroline looked me in the eye and said, "Okay, you Pickle Dick"! That's right folks, "Pickle Dick"... What the hell is a "Pickle Dick"??? If you or someone you know are familiar with this term, please let me know.

She's A Sneaky One!

Everyday when Angelina comes home from school, the very first thing we do is sit down on the living floor and go thru her backpack. So I thought it was a little strange when Angelina returned home from school on Thursday & immediately said she had to go to the playroom & tell the gerbils something before going through her backpack. Angelina was gone for less than a minute- she returned to the living room with her backpack & we proceeded to go thru it. Well, about 2 hours later as I was cleaning up the kitchen, I found a drawing from one of her friends. Angelina was outside playing, so I decided to put the drawing in Angelina's "treasure box" in the playroom. Angelina's "treasure box" is where she puts all of her "private" things. Well, when I opened the treasure box I found an envelope with a label that read "Angelina Mann - Fall Report Card 2008". Since when do 5 year-olds hide report cards from their parents??? Angelina received two progress reports back in preschool, but never a report card... How did she know what a report card was & more importantly, how did she know to fear it???? Using all the self-restraint I possess (which is NOT much), I left the envelope in the treasure box & closed it. THEN, I ran outside & whispered to Bob what I had found. Bob, being the creative genius he is, told Angelina that he read on the computer that report cards were coming out soon... He then asked Angelina if she knew when Ms. Kapur would be passing out report cards. Angelina didn't hesitate or act surprised, she simply said, "Oh yeah, I have one, I'll go get it." Angelina then ran inside the house and emerged from the playroom with her report card. AND what a beautiful report card it was... We couldn't be more proud of our sneaky, but incredibly smart kindergartner!!! At the end of the report card, Ms. Kapur wrote some very flattering comments about Angelina & this is the video of her reading the comments... Can you tell she is proud of herself?

Be Careful What You Wish For...

I remember being at a dinner party when I was about 6 months pregnant & the woman sitting next to me said, "When you teach your baby her first words, make sure to leave out the word "Mommy"." At the time, I was quite horrified by this statement. Now, of course, I appreciate her wisdom.... I kid, I kid!!! In hindsight, the woman was a bored housewife who drank too much... ANYWAY, back to my point. When Angelina was a baby, I couldn't wait for her to start talking. Because when you are a loving, NAIVE, first-time mother all you can envision are these wonderful conversations you will have with your daughter.... THEN the child starts talking.... And WOW! You can't begin to imagine the bizarre things that come out of your lovely child's mouth. For example, Caroline did not have school today, so I took her clothes shopping with me. Everything was going great, Caroline wasn't running away & hiding in the clothes racks, etc. THEN we entered the very full women's dressing room. We entered the only available dressing room & shut the door. For as crowded as the dressing area was, it was surprisingly quiet... Which was the perfect setting for what occurred next. Caroline said in a really loud voice, for all to hear, "Mommy, why don't you like me?" I was so horrified by this question that I all I could do was laugh in response. Seriously, I have no idea where this question came from. We were having a great time... I had just called her Sweet Cheeks for God's sake!!! And for the record, I have NEVER told either one of my kids that I don't like them!!!! THEN, Caroline proceeded onto her next question: "What is that stinky smell, Mommy, did you toot?" This time, I was not the only person in the dressing area laughing. Snickers came from all around. Damn!!!

And The Oscar Goes To....

Okay, so as I mentioned in my last post, Angelina is taking two different antibiotics ... Well, we are having the worst time getting this stuff down her!!! I had both medications flavored so they wouldn't taste horrible, but of course, Angelina claims she has never tasted anything so bad. Last nite, Bob & I finally lost our cool & threatened to take Angelina to the hospital & have an IV put in if she didn't take the medicine. With tears streaming down her face, Angelina looked at Bob & I and shouted with anguish & contempt in her voice, "Who are you two? I don't even recognize you anymore"!!! Tell me, what 5 year old says that??? Luckily, I just received a phone call from the pediatrician & tonite is Angelina's last dosage! Thank God... Above is a photo of Angelina the nite before she woke up with the swollen hand... AND yes, that it is BBQ sauce all over her face, she ate 7 chicken legs!!!

The Infection Connection!

What is it with Angelina's hand? Last June, she went to bed with normal size appendages & woke up with a huge hand and a staph infection. Yesterday morning, she woke up with a hand the size of the Hamburger Helper guy AND it was a purplish/black color. I rushed Angelina to the Dr. just like last time- except this time I didn't go to Starbucks first- I actually went straight to the Dr.!!! Hey, even moms make mistakes... Apparently, Angelina was bit by either an ant, mosquito, etc. during the night & it became infected. I have no idea how it got infected while she slept... It's not like she sleeps on a bed of trash!!!! Poor child... She is on 2 different very strong antibiotics. BUT don't worry, we still managed to take the family to Angelina's school carnival last nite!!! To the left is a photo of Angelina's hand last nite after it regained its normal color.... BUT still swollen...

Liar Liar Pants On Fire!

If you have been reading my blog, then you know that at the end of each school day, Caroline either receives a "Today, I Made Good Choices" note or a "Today, I Made Poor Choices" note from her teacher. Well, today Baby Chippie came home with a new brand of note- "Today, I Made MOSTLY Good Choices". "Mostly"... What in God's name does that mean??? Angelina had the exact same teacher when she went to preschool & not once she did she receive a "I Made MOSTLY Good Choices" note. Apparently, this note was the result of Caroline telling a "Fib" to the teacher (Gasp in Horror). According to the teacher, when she inquired whether Caroline had finished her work assignment before going to play, Baby Chippie responded, "Yes", when in reality, Baby Chippie had NOT done her work. Poor Baby Chippie.... What makes this incident all the more sad is the fact that Caroline pronounces her "F"s as "Y"s... So she had to tell me that she was a "Yibber". Well, like any good mother, I tried to have a deep conversation with Caroline about the incident. I tried to explain to her the difference between a truth & a yib. Caroline's response to my well-intentioned efforts was as follows: Caroline looked at me with her big, brown, chipmunk eyes & said, "Mommy, you are ugly." I have no words, ONLY laughter.....

We Are Back From DisneyLand!!!

So, we are finally back from DisneyLand.... Thank God, we didn't lose Angelina or Caroline (despite Caroline's best efforts to get lost)!!! Although there were many great moments throughout our vacation, the most memorable moment was at our lunch with the Disney Princesses on Friday afternoon. Before the princesses made their big debut & visited each table, we were served our appetizers. Caroline thought it would be funny to choke herself repeatedly & pretend to throw-up. Bob & I warned her to stop pretending to choke on her food & of course, she refused to listen. Right before they introduced the first princess, Caroline proceeded to pretend to choke herself AND actually threw-up.... All over herself..... She thought it was the funniest thing ever ... Needless to say, the rest of us were horrified, including Angelina. I quickly took Caroline to the bathroom & wiped the throw-up off of her dress. Bob cleaned up our table & hid the vomit in a bunch of cloth napkins. Yes, we left the waitress an enormous tip. Poor woman, she was so nice... I wonder what she thought when she opened the napkins?

And the DisneyLand Trip has Begun!!!

So, we left for DisneyLand bright & early this morning. Our entire trip would make the Griswald's proud. About 45 minutes into the trip, we got stopped by the police. I seriously thought Angelina was going to pee her pants since I am constantly telling her that if she doesn't sit in her car seat correctly, the police will arrest me & throw me in jail. Needless to say, when Bob pulled the car over & the officer approached our window, Angelina thought Mommy was going to the pokey. To make a really long story short, we didn't get a ticket & the officer gave us a pamphlet about changing lanes when another car is being pulled over. Personally, I think he had to pass out so many pamphlets & he was trying really hard to meet his quota for the day!!!

Dear God, It's Already October!

I just realized that I haven't posted in a very long time... I am sure with the economy in the gutter & everything, the fact that I haven't posted in about a week is what you are truly concerned with! My kids are still crazy, my husband is still reaaallllly mellow & we are leaving for DisneyLand next Wednesday. FYI- We lost Caroline the last time we went. We didn't lose her for a long period of time, but we did lose her. For some reason, Caroline is really excited about getting lost this time. It may be a "small world", but when you lose a 3yr. old at DisneyLand, the world is freakin' gigantic. So, if you see us on the news, you will know it wasn't our fault.... The kid planned it!!!! By the way, the photo at the right is a photo of Caroline & the woman who found her.

What Will This Week Bring?

Hmmmm.... Nothing too exciting has happened recently, but I do have some interesting tidbits to share:

(1) This past Friday, Angelina's school had a "Heroes Luncheon" for police officers, firemen & soldiers. As many of you know, if my dear Angelina can make it thru the week without complaining in the mornings before school, I bring her a "special" lunch & eat with her on Fridays. So, there I am this past Friday sitting at a table full of kindergartners during the Heroes Luncheon... All of a sudden, the little girl seated next to me points at a man dressed in army gear standing across the room & yells repeatedly, "Look, it's Forest Gump, it's Forest Gump"!!! I almost choked on my drink! The poor man goes to Iraq, survives, comes home, attends a Heroes Luncheon & gets called "Forest Gump".... Sad, just sad...

(2) Now onto embarrassing behavior exhibited by my own children. Here goes.... Okay, there is a family in our neighborhood with a child who appears to be paralyzed from the neck down. On Saturday night, while we were swimming, we noticed that this family was at the park (Our house backs the neighborhood park, so we see everything). The parents attached a special swing to the swingset equipment, which looked like a large, red lounge chair, so their child could swing. A little later, Angelina & Caroline saw their friends at the park & asked to go the park. While I was getting Caroline dressed to go, she said, "Mommy, I'm so excited, I can't wait to ride the new big, red swing"!!! Well, you know what my first thought was, "Oh Shit". So, I explained to Caroline that the swing was not for her, that it was a special swing designed for handicapped children. I then tried to reiterate my point by telling her, "You are not a handicapped girl". I have no idea why I thought this explanation would resolve the issue, but I did. Then Caroline started yelling, "I am Candycapped, I really am." Okay, first point of confusion. "Candycapped"???? After explaining she was neither "candycapped" nor "handicapped", I threw Angelina & Caroline over the fence. Yes, I am the lazy Mom who sits in the spa & watches the kids at the park, instead of actually going to the park. Well, as I was sitting in the spa trying to relax, I witnessed (to my horror) Caroline go up to the father of the paralyzed child & say, "Can I ride in your swing...." From that point on, everything happened in slow motion. I started yelling, "Caarrrooollliinnne coooommee baaaaaaaccckkk"... (That was my attempt at illustrating my slow-mo yell). Of course, the man told her "No". She came back to the fence & I told her she had to come home if she tried to ride the swing or told anyone else that she was "Candycapped".

Reunited & It Feels So Good!

A Woman & Her Wine... AND her really BIG hair-do...

Okay, so awhile back Bob & I decided to stop drinking our beloved wine for the month of September in an effort to drop 5lbs. Well, last nite was Family Movie Nite at the park... Picture it (I sound like Sofia Petrillo on the Golden Girls): Tons & tons of children running around a large grassy field with "Horton Hears a Who" on the big screen- Can you possibly imagine an occasion where alcohol is needed more? Yeah, I know, so we threw a bottle of Pinot Noir into the little red wagon & headed off to the park... Sometimes you need a wagon in order to fall off the wagon!

Mystery Solved!

So, we finally found out who Caroline's older, taller boyfriend is... AND it's not the school janitor as my dear Mother suspected. Okay, get ready to take notes, this gets a little complicated. Okay, last year there was a little boy named Tyler in Angelina's Pre-K class at El Dorado. He used to tell her that the bows she wore in her hair were beautiful... I suspect he had a crush on her. This year Tyler is attending Grayhawk Elementary with Angelina, but they are not in the same kindergarten class. Tyler has a younger sister, Julia, who is in the same preschool class as Caroline at El Dorado this year. Caroline goes to school in the afternoon, but she comes with me to drop off Angelina at Grayhawk in the mornings & plays on the playground with the older kids until the bell rings. As I mentioned in an earlier post, each day the preschoolers come home with either a "Good Choice Note" or a "Poor Choice Note". Above is the note that Caroline came home with today- Check out the teacher's message!

Things are about to get very interesting because next weekend is Julia's birthday party. Even though Angelina doesn't know Julia, she was invited to the party because Tyler wants Angelina at the party. I foresee heartache & crying in my future- I think Caroline's "boyfriend" is smitten with Angelina... I should start writing for "The Young & the Playful".

I Have No Explanation

In my capacity as Mommy, I have witnessed several "odd" things this week, which I consider of worthy of reporting:

(1) Caroline has recently made a habit of bringing things into the house from the garage. Even though the child has two bedrooms FULL of toys, for some unknown reason, she finds "garage crap" to be more exciting. So, on Tuesday nite, as I was exiting the laundry room, I looked into the master bedroom to check on the children. BIG mistake on my part. This is what I saw: Angelina sticking the nozzle of our soccer ball air pump valve into Caroline's belly button. This is what I overheard: "Angelina, hurry, pump up my telly button." AND no, that is not a typo- Caroline calls her belly button her "telly button". Surprised? Yes.... Shocked? Not really.

(2) While grocery shopping on Thursday, a wave of Festive Fall Emotion came over me & I bought a sack of gourds. When I came home, I created a beautiful centerpiece with the gourds & dried indian corn on my dining room table. THEN, the kids came home from school. A short time later, I realized that a gourd was missing from the centerpiece. For some unknown reason (have you noticed I use that introductory phrase a lot), Caroline removed a gourd from the table & then proceeded to nurture it for hours. The child to doll ratio in our house is like 1:10, so I have no clue why she feels the need to carry around a gourd as her baby. To the right is a photo of Caroline rocking the gourd to sleep. Interesting? No.... Crazy? Oh yeah.

(3) Caroline is involved in a love triangle. I know, I know, she is only 3 1/2. Keep in mind that we are talking about the Mother of a gourd! As some of you know, there is a little boy in Caroline's preschool class by the name of Tanner Tate & they really like each other. He follows Caroline around & she loves it. But on Tuesday afternoon, when Caroline came home from school, she was thrilled about her "new" boyfriend. This is what I know about the new boyfriend. First, when Caroline rode by him on her tricycle, he gave her a thumbs up. Second, he is a little bit taller than she is. And finally, he is older than her. Caroline told Bob that she really hopes he asks her to the movies. And on Thursday before going to school, she made everyone promise NOT to tell Tanner about the "new" boyfriend. Of course, when I relayed this bizarre information to my Mother, she responded with "Older? Taller? God, I hope her new boyfriend isn't the school janitor or something". Thank you, Mother, thank you.

She Is As Sweet As She Looks!

Well, I thought I would never say that & I will probably take it back by tomorrow morning, but tonite Baby Chippie truly surprised me. We were sitting in the tub when Caroline said, "Mommy, when I was a baby, I was in your tummy". THEN, she asked, "You know where else I was"? I was fully expecting a "poop joke" punchline to be the next thing out of her mouth (she is really into poop humor), but instead she said, "I was also in your heart". Good nite.

Since I'm Not Drinking ....

AND I have all this free sober time, I thought I would add a new feature to my blog. If you get a chance, take a peek (that reminds me of a funny story) at the right-side column of the page, underneath my photo & bio & let me know if you've been here...

 

Funny Story: During Caroline's 18 month well-check, the Dr. opened Caroline's diapers to make sure everything was A-okay down under... After he refastened her diapers, Angelina asked, "Hey, Doctor, ya wanna take a peek inside my pants?" Talk about awkward laughter....

 

Wanna Sneak Me a Bottle?

Let's see, what has happened in the Mann Family Universe since I last posted. Well, first & foremost, Bob & I have stopped drinking for the entire month of September. It is our annual "Let's Take 5 lbs. Off" Jamboree! My Mother has already informed me that since giving up my precious Pinot Noir, I have become "unfunny" & for some unknown reason, lost my hearing. So, until October 1st, I will be a deaf bore. So, I had my last glass of wine on Friday afternoon. My good friend, Kirsten, asked the girls & I over to go swimming after school. Like any good Mother, I threw the kids, some swimsuits & a bottle of Pinot Noir into the minivan & went (Yes, I drive a mini-van). While the girls were swimming, Kirsten revealed an interesting fact about Angelina that I did not know. At some point during the week, Kirsten had asked her daughter, Aly, if she had played with Angelina at recess. Aly explained that she had not played with Angelina at recess because Angelina was "too busy building a boy trap." A "boy trap"? Okay, I must admit that I have constructed a "boy trap" a time or two in my youth, but I was definitely older than 18! Needless to say, I could hardly wait to interrogate Angelina about her playground activities. FYI- Getting Angelina to disclose information about her life away from home is like trying to pull a glass of wine out of my hand- almost impossible. So, I was really surprised when Angelina openly discussed her trap building escapades with me when I asked. So, this is how my daughter traps herself a boy: First, Angelina & her friends dig a hole in the sand. After choosing their victim, they ask the little boy to stand in the hole & close his eyes for 10 seconds. While his eyes are closed, the girls quickly bury his feet with sand. Apparently, after the 10 seconds is up, the boy can't runaway & is trapped. I actually saw a sparkle in Angelina's eyes as she relayed the incident. Who knew? To the right is a photo of my little "Boy Trapper"... The fancy outfit is courtesy of our generous neighbor, Cassidy, who cleaned out her closet over Labor Day Weekend & gave Angelina & Caroline bags of costumes & toys!

To Post or Not To Post...

So, last Friday I wrote a blog entry, posted it & then removed it at the urging of my shocked (horrified, really) Mother. Maybe some of you had excellent timing & read it before it disappeared. The entry was directed at the "Mothers-To-Be" who I know. It was a pretty graphic & revealing memoir of my experiences as a 1st time mom - you know the birth & bringing baby home. My intention wasn't to scare the pregnant ones- I just wanted to get across the important message, that when it comes to birthing babies, bringing children into your home, etc. - expect the unexpected. And after much deliberation, I think I have the perfect Baby Chippie story to illustrate this point.

Caroline has been potty-trained for well-over a year - BUT (and there's always a "but" when it comes to potty training), she was still relying on me to wipe her booty when it came to going poo-poo. I know you're probably wishing for the birthing story now. So, about 3 weeks before preschool started, I made Caroline sit thru my "here's how to effectively wipe your booty" seminar. For weeks she practiced her wiping skills & she was ready for school. Then one day, Baby Chippie went poo & forgot to flush the toilet. I happened to come across the unflushed poo & to my horror there was NO toilet paper in the toilet (By the way, there was also a pair of princess panties on the floor). With visions of poop stains on my carpet, furniture, etc., racing through my mind, I frantically searched the house for Baby Chippie. When I found her, I asked, "Caroline, did you go poo poo"? Affirmative. THEN, I asked her the BIG question, "Caroline, why didn't you wipe?" Caroline explained that she didn't need to wipe. Of course, I had to ask how she knew she didn't need to wipe. To my surprise, Baby Chippie had developed her very own test for determining whether she needed to use toilet paper. Lucky for me, Caroline was gracious enough to give me a demonstration. With a "See, Mommy, this is what I do...," Caroline bent over and wiped her booty with her index finger. She then proceeded to closely examine her finger. With a satisfied grin on her face, Caroline held up her finger & said, "See, no poop"! Only God knows how long Caroline had been using the "Index Finger Test" before I put a stop to it. Needless to say, I gave Baby Chippie a refresher course on wiping. Now that I think about it, I guess this post is more about the hazards of holding a child's hand...

Give the Kid some Hay!

As many of you know, Angelina is obsessed with horses. She wears dresses with horses on them, she wears panties with horses on them, her backpack & lunch box have horses on them... She really probably needs meds for this, but I think I can handle it. So as I was putting Angelina to bed last nite, I experienced one of those very special moments, where as a mother, you take a long look at your child & realize how beautiful he/she truly is. Moved by overwhelming emotion, I told Angelina that she was the most beautiful 5yr. old I knew, both inside & out. Angelina gazed into my eyes & responded in a very serious voice, "Mommy, I am not a beautiful person on the inside.... I am a horse on the inside." Fabulous!

Amazing!

Well, miracle of all miracles, Angelina managed to get ready for school yesterday WITHOUT one complaint. I even managed to receive a Green conduct circle for making "good choices". Yes, somehow I am now trying to earn good conduct marks from my 5yr. old.

Seriously?

Okay, school started for both kids on August 11th. Angelina loves kindergarten, the teacher, the social scene, the whole thing... Believe me, I'm thankful that I'm not "That Guy" whose kid clings to his leg every morning when the kids are led from the playground into the school. It really is a horrific scene to witness- they actually have to pry his daughter off of his leg & drag her kicking & screaming into school. If that were my daughter, I think I would skip the trip to Starbucks after morning drop-off & go straight to the liquor cabinet. Anyway, I do have my own problem... WITH Angelina. Every morning she wakes up in a great mood. She eats breakfast, watches her cartoons, etc. THEN, about 15 minutes before we load into the car & drive to school, she turns into the 5 yr. old from hell. She yells at me, complains about her clothes- I think you get the picture. She moans & groans all the way to school, BUT as soon as we get there, she stops complaining, plays with her friends & goes into school with a big smile on her face. Before I continue with my own ranting & raving, let me give you some background facts that will become pertinent in a moment: (1) When Angelina was in preschool, at the end of each day she would either receive a "I Made Good Choices Today Note" or a "I Made Bad Choices Today Note" from her teacher; (2) In kindergarten, at the end of each day she either receives a Green (Excellent), Yellow (Okay) or Red (BAD) circle on her conduct calendar; and FINALLY (3) Every Friday, I bring Angelina a special lunch & eat with her at school.

So after a particularly difficult morning with Angelina today, I decided to give her an ultimatum after school. Unfortunately, it did not go as planned. I picked her up from school, gave her a snack, then sat her down & asked why she acted like a crazy woman every morning before school. Angelina responded as follows, "Mommy, I would be nice if you didn't make so many bad choices in the morning." What the hell? As you can imagine, this really irritated me, so I threatened back with "If your behavior doesn't change, I am not going to bring you lunch on Fridays... It's your choice." I was really proud of myself for putting my foot down. I felt really in-charge... I was definitely wielding the parent power!!! I am the boss, right?

Well following this lovely exchange, Angelina went into the playroom, got out a piece of paper, drew a calendar for the month of August, wrote "Emily" at the top of it & gave me a RED circle for today. THEN, she informed me that my behavior needed to change or she would call my parents. She went onto say that as punishment, I would have to stay in my room with the door shut & I could only come out to cook.

By the way, Angelina's class made sun visors today & she turned hers into a CROWN... See the photo to the right!

Ummm... More Coffee, Please

Okay, I can already feel the Monday creeping on.... As some of you already know, I am addicted to Starbucks. Every morning, I drag my sleepy ass out of bed & into the car. Seriously, I get into the car in my pajamas & slippers,bedhead included, & drive to my Starbucks drive-thru for my morning coffee. They know me by name, all I have to do is say "Hi" & immediately they recognize my annoying voice... I don't even have to order. I consider the Starbucks employees my personal friends and/or dealers, however you want to look at it. Seriously, I have seen these women every day for the past year. Anyways, this morning, as I was getting my coffee, I experienced an "Elaine on Seinfeld" moment. I pulled up to the drive-thru window & waited for my coffee. As I was waiting, some guy inside the store approached the counter & ordered "A Big Passion", I guess he meant the Passion-Flavored iced-tea. Well, the woman working the drive-thru ( I won't mention her name) said, "Emily, did you hear that? That guy just said he wanted some Passion".... So, there she was laughing about his guy's order .... THEN, for some unknown reason, I said, "Yeah, it's like when the person in front of you at Subway says they need a 6-Inch Spicy Italian". Unfortunately, my early morning penis joke was met with complete silence & a blank stare. I laughed awkwardly & drove off. Uggghhhh.... How does stuff like this happen to me???

Someone Pass the Wine!

Okay, so it was one of those days. I dropped Angelina off at school at 9am, went to Starbucks & got Caroline to ballet/tap at 9:30. After dance, I came home, fed Caroline lunch & got her to school at 12:15. Then, I went grocery shopping, came home, unloaded the groceries & picked up Angelina and Caroline from school. After getting everyone home, I fed Caroline dinner, gave Angelina a snack & took Angelina to ballet. Ballet was a complete cluster f&*$ (excuse my language). First, the class was beyond full. The director of the dance studio tried to calm down the mass of angry mothers by promising that the class would be divided into 2 classes. THEN, all of the mothers of the children in the competitive dance company raised their pitchforks in defiance & started yelling that their lives revolved around their children’s dance schedule & that THEY would not be changing classes. The angry villagers then went on to publicly announce that it was obvious some of the children in the class had never danced before & did not belong in the advanced class. Oh the joy of extracurricular activities. I didn’t say a word- NOT because I didn’t care, but because Caroline kept blowing on my arm & yelling, “Mommy, quit tooting.” That’s all I needed- for a bunch of bitchy women to think I was farting in public. After surviving Angelina’s dance class, we got home about 7:15. I threw the kids in the tub & then helped Angelina finish her homework. At about 8pm, Caroline climbed up on my lap & asked me to bring in the rocking chair from the garage & rock her to sleep. That glider has sat in our garage for the past year, waiting to be donated to GoodWill. Ordinarily, I would have said, “No”, but after today, I thought why should I deprive a 3yr. old of being rocked to sleep? So, I went into the garage & dragged the damn thing into our bedroom. I rocked Caroline to sleep & then Bob rocked Angelina to sleep… Now, if I could just get my Mom to come over & rock me to sleep….

No More Boob Talk

I know what you're thinking- "This woman is obsessed with boobs". I assure you that this is not a "Boob Blog"... I promise. So, on to an entirely different subject- my daughter, Baby Chippie. When she came home from school today, I asked her what she had for snack at school. In response to my question, Baby Chippie responded, "Poop". When I asked her who her best friend was at school, she responded, "The twins, Poop & Pee". So, I said, "Poo & Pee"?... Baby Chippie then clarified her response with "Yessarooni, Positooni". After this morning's "shoe fiasco," perhaps a 2nd glass of wine is warranted. By the way, to the right is a photo of Baby Chippie before riding her tricycle to school this afternoon. She wears those sunglasses every time she goes outside. She even wears them during recess... One more thing, in case you're wondering, I did not take Angelina shoe shopping after school. When I went to pick her up, I witnessed her walking normally for a pretty a long distance. Obviously, she is walking like a cripple in the mornings to drive me insane.

Thank God for Starbucks

Well, it is definitely a Monday. How can I be so irritated & it's only 10:40 AM?!?!?! Where to begin... I better bullet point this entry- So much unrelated crap...
(1) Angelina is shoe challenged. The child cannot walk in shoes other than flip-flops & ballet shoes. AND just my luck, you can't wear flip-flops to school. You should see the child walking to school in the morning, she looks like she is recovering from orthopedic surgery. It drives me CRAZY. She reminds Bob of the male maid from BirdCage. Before school started, we spent 3 HOURS at the mall looking for shoes... NOTHING felt right to her, so we ended up buying the best of the worst. I'm taking her back to the mall after school today... I have got to fix this!!!
(2) Children of porn stars should not be allowed to attend school with the rest of us. I know this sounds mean, but seriously.... I don't want to see the world's biggest pair of boobs at 8:45 in the morning when I drop my kid off at school. AND I am not exaggerating. We have a real live porn star & her videographer husband living in our neighborhood & they have 2 kids who attend Angelina's school. They aren't in kindergarten, Thank God! It was bad enuf when I had to give these people candy on Halloween... By the way, I thought this woman's boobs were part of her costume, until my neighbor explained that they were not costume pieces!
UPDATE: So, it turns out that it is NOT the neighborhood porn star who I have been seeing at morning drop-off, it is actually just ANOTHER woman with gignormous boobs... Apparently she uses them for recreation & not work.

Use The Formula!

If you are a mother who breastfed her children, then you know very well what breastfeeding does to your boobs. It's horrible, right? I remember the glory days when my boobs were these beautiful, size D assets, then I had kids & breastfed. My crowning jewels shrunk to a size B & then sagged. Of course, I was able to overcome this incredible physical downfall because my pediatrician & that crazy lady who conducted the breastfeeding seminar promised me that if I breastfed, my children would have indestructible immune systems. You do know that if you don't breastfeed, your children will die of TB, malaria, or some other crazy disease! Well, I breastfed the "oomf" right out of my bodacious tattas & now, on the 2nd, freakin' day of school, both Angelina & Caroline are sick!!!!!!!! For the past 5 years, we have spent a majority of our holidays on antibiotics. The stretch between Thanksgiving & Christmas of last year was the worst. As some of you may remember, we started out with Strep, proceeded onto the throw-up flu & then onto some unknown upper respiratory infection that lasted until New Year's Eve. So, if you are a Mother-To-Be & reading this, save your boobies & formula-feed your babies!!!

Can You Hear Me Giggling?

Okay, I am almost speechless, almost... BOTH of my children are going to school tomorrow! Angelina is starting kindergarten & Caroline is starting preschool. I remember when Angelina was about 8 months old & I dropped her off at the church daycare for an afternoon- As I drove away, a wave of sadness came over me. I felt like she was all grownup & I wanted another baby PRONTO. But after 3 years of living with these two monkeys, like any good zookeeper, I am ready to release them into the wild. I mean seriously, get a load of the photo at the right... I almost feel sorry for their teachers, almost. He he he he.

WHY??????

Okay, so I went in for the MRI on my breasts this past Monday morning. You will never believe what these people did to me... Brace yourself, ladies, for what I am about to tell you. First, the radiologist asked me where my lump was located. After I showed her, she taped an almond to my boob to mark the spot. Then, I had to take off my top & lay facedown on a table that had 2 holes cut out for my boobs to hang out!!! This thing could double as a midevil torture device. Mid-Way thru the MRI, I was shot back out of the tube... The radiologist entered the room & yanked on my boobs as they hung out the holes (Thank God, I'm not a gerbil). Keep in my mind that all this mayhem took place at 6:30 AM & I couldn't drink or eat anything 2 hours prior to the MRI... So, I had to endure all this freaky stuff WITHOUT a cocktail or coffee. When the MRI was over & I was left alone in my dressing room to get dressed, I took the tape off & ate the almond. Don't judge... I was starving! Of course, then I called my Mom on the way home & asked if it was okay that I just ate a radioactive nut. Luckily, my MRI results came back fine.... Now, onto the next family crisis....

Are You Kidding Me?

So, I have to go in for an MRI on my chest tomorrow morning & the Dr.'s office told me NOT to wear deodorant?!?! What the hell? It is 115 degrees here... Well, at least when I smell something, I won't have to guess who it is! Speaking of my boobs, I am reminded of a great story, which Bob will be horrified to discover I am sharing, but that makes it all the better. So, awhile back one of the cats threw-up on the living room carpet. As usual, I was late for something & was not fully dressed. On this particular day, I was missing my top, bra included. I was on my knees, hunched over the stain, feverishly scrubbing with all my might. WARNING: This visual may be highly disturbing. Anyway, Angelina came into the room & kneeled down beside me & said with deep sadness in her big, green eyes, "Oh, Mommy, your boobies have NO bones." Nothing like having a preschooler tell you that your boobs look like something out of a National Geographic spread. FABULOUS!

Who Is Bob?

It just occurred to me that most of the people reading this blog have never met my husband… Some are probably wondering, “Who is this man who was brave enuf to marry Emily?” I just asked him to pick up some Play-Doh that Caroline left on our new carpet & he responded by saying, “I don’t feel like picking this up, I gotta be candid with you.” Okay, so here is the run down on Bob:

1) He is probably the smartest person I know.

2) He is really funny… When I have been drinking.

3) He finds most things that come out of my mouth to be highly “inappropriate”. In fact, his coping mechanism is to stare out the nearest window when I start talking. My sister finds witnessing this practice to be hilarious.

4) My Mom calls Bob the “Toddler Whisperer” because the girls listen to what he says & actually do the things he is asking them to do… Most of the time.

5) He wouldn’t yell if he was on fire.

6) He is really confused & quite irritated by the fact that the children & I constantly run around the house is some state of undress. I think this irritation comes from the fact that the girls & I have become a neighborhood joke.

7) He is a really picky eater. So, I have to keep him out of the kitchen when I cook. He eats a TON of stuff that he claims to “NOT like”… He has no idea what I am putting in his food.

8) He puts up with my neurosis about death. We just signed the lease for our new law office & I made the Landlord insert a clause in the contract, which states that if Bob dies, I am released from the lease. OR maybe he puts up with the fact that I am cheap. Either way, he is very tolerant!

9) He doesn’t mind the fact that I talk to my Mom on the phone approximately 10 times a day.

10) He hates when I call myself “Fat”… GOTTA love that!

Lesson Learned

Beware Small Animal Owners! This child may look nice & sweet, but in reality, she is a “Tail Yanker”! As some of you know, we bought the girls two pet gerbils, Blondie & Blackie, because two cats & three fish just weren’t enuf. Are you aware that if you pull on a gerbil’s tail, it will fall off, just like a lizard's tail? We were not aware of this fact until Angelina ran out of the playroom holding Blackie’s tail WITHOUT Blackie!!!! It was so disgusting, there was blood, there were tears… AND there were lies. Angelina told us that Blondie had bitten off Blackie’s tail. Uh huh, sure. We called over 5 vet offices until we finally found one that took small animals. Of course, I had to drive almost 30 minutes to get there. To make a long story short, we had to pay $150 to have a $10 gerbil’s remaining tail bone amputated. THEN we had to give the damn thing painkillers & antibiotics for 2 weeks!!!! Angelina finally confessed to the crime. Apparently, the gerbil was running away, so she grabbed Blackie by her tail & VOILA!, the tail came off! I think the take-home message here is "Don't buy your children an animal that you can't flush"!

We're Baaacccckkk!

We just got back from Pinetop, Arizona. We had to get the hell out of Hell (the highs in Scottsdale have been 110)! So, we decided to go up North & let the Princess & Baby Chippie roam free through the woods with other little animals. I love the cooler weather, Bob loves to fish, Angelina loves to go on walks & Baby Chippie LOVES to pee in the woods. After peeing, she always does a dance & sings this catchy little diddy, "I peed in the woods, OH YEAH, I peed in the woods, OH YEAH"! Oh, the simple pleasures in life....

Hello Heaven!

So, a couple of weeks ago we went to Iowa for Bob's parents' 50th wedding anniversary. On our last day there, Bob thought it would be a good idea to go visit his grandmother. Keep in mind that this particular grandmother has been living at a Missouri cemetery since the 1960s. I'm all for family togetherness, so we went. We are there for all of 5 minutes when in the distance I hear Angelina ask Bob if everyone dies. SIDENOTE: Bob & I differ in our parenting styles. When the kids want to go to McDonald's for lunch & Bob doesn't want to, he tells them "No" & just copes with the incestant complaining & whining about how he is soooo mean. I, on the otherhand, LIE. A couple of weeks ago, I actually told the girls that a tornadao had struck McDonald's and it was closed for the day. Bob finds my behavior appalling- I find it effective. Okay, back to the cemetary- Bob tells Angelina that everyone dies eventually. I highly question the whole idea of "honesty is the best policy"... Angelina started moaning & groaning about Bob & I dying (she seemed to think it would be within the next few hours). So, I told her that people don't actually die, they go on to live in Heaven. Then I told her that Heaven has everything you could ever want. Angelina asked me if she could have Bratz dolls in Heaven (I don't allow Bratz dolls in the house- I find baby dolls wearing heavy eyeliner & thong panties really creepy). I told her "Yes". Big mistake on my part... Angelina got really excited about dying. Then, she began to spread the good news about how much "fun" dying is. 2 weeks have now passed & Angelina is still talking about all the fun things that death brings!!!! Luckily, Caroline never asked about people dying, but she was surprised to see that Batman, who she watches every night on Boomerang, was actually Dead!