One More Thing...

On my last post, I completely forgot to tell you what happened when we arrived home from our Thanksgiving vacation to Telluride! So, we walk into the house & the girls run to their playroom... THEN, Bob & I hear loud screaming & a lot of "Why? Why? Why me?" Caroline's gerbil was dead. Now, if you have been following my blog from the beginning, then you know our very complicated & very EXPENSIVE relationship with gerbils. For the third time in 6 months, it appeared that Blackie II (Angelina's gerbil) had murdered Caroline's gerbil. First, Blondie II, then Chocolate - now Cutie!! Caroline looked at me with her big, brown eyes & said, "Why do MY gerbils always die when we go on vacation?" To this, I responded, "Because Angelina's gerbil is a psychopath who continually murders". Then in a very calm & cold manner, Baby Chippie asked for a Ziploc bag, bagged Cutie's body & dumped it in the trash dumpster in the garage. Poor Caroline....

People, I have had one hell of a past couple of months! I am going to bullet point some of the bizarre crap I have experienced since I last posted.

Angelina Joined A Cult: Angelina is now a "Daisy", which is the lowest level Girl Scout. FYI: Girls Scouts rearranged their hierarchy, so you can't become a Brownie until the 2nd grade. And let's be clear, it was NOT my idea for Angelina to become a Daisy - I think I lasted all of 3 months in Brownies. But, Angelina had to become a Daisy because she loves adhering to a code of ethics, and for some strange reason, she thinks she gets to make & bake the Girl Scout Cookies. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I got roped into escorting Angelina & her troop to the the ballet! The point of this field trip was for the girls to earn their "Theatre" badge. Here's some pertinent info.: Before you enter the theatre there is a big-ass sign that reads, "NO FOOD OR DRINK IN THEATRE". Duh! Anyway, midway thru the ballet performance, I hear a crinkling sound in the row behind us, I turn around & one of the little girls from our troop is eating chips out of a Doritos bag.... WITH her mother sitting right next to her. No wait, it gets better! About 10 minutes later, the mother sitting next to me, leans down, opens her purse - AND I shit you not - pulls out a 6-inch sub with all the fixins' & hands it to her kid. WTF?!?! This kid starts chowing down on a freakin' hoagie in the middle of the ballet. Hell, if I would have known we would be breaking out Doritos & Subway sandwiches, I would have brought a flask! Below is a photo of Angelina & I before the ballet... Look at me, I have no idea what is about to happen...

I Received the "Mother of the Year 2009 Award": Don't get too excited, I am being sarcastic. Okay, around November 6th, Caroline tripped & hit her head on the frame of the girls' bathroom door while the girls were brushing their teeth (that's what you get for practicing oral hygeine). She got a "goose egg" on her forehead, right by her hairline. We gave her some Motrin, put an ice-pack on her head for an hour & repeatedly checked her pupils. Everything seemed fine, but a week later, my Mother noticed that Caroline had a small dent on her forehead where the "goose egg" had originally formed. There was no visible bruising & Caroline said her forehead felt totally fine. About 3 weeks later, while rubbing Caroline's forehead at bedtime, I detected a hard bump on the top of her eyebrow, on the same side where she hit her head. Bob & I figured that she had an infected eyebrow hair, so I took her to the pediatrician. I explained that Caroline had fallen & hit her head about a month earlier. After hearing my story & examining the dent, the doctor advised that the hard bump was NOT an impacted eyebrow hair. According to the pediatrician, when Caroline hit her head, the blood drained internally down her forehead, hit her brow-bone, congealed & formed a calcified blood clot. Nice... real nice. Boy, did I feel like a SuperStar Mom! You know, you try not to panic & rush your child to the emergency room like a crazy, paranoid mother, AND as a result, something like this happens! The doctor said the calcification should go away in a few months... God, I hope so, I feel awful about the whole thing! Of course, on the way home from the Dr.'s appointment, Caroline asked, "Mommy, you know why I have an ouchie on my head?" I gave my answer & she responded with, "No... It's because I farted so hard, it blew out my head!"

Christmas 2009: Merry Christmas, Everyone! For the past five years, the girls & I have been on antibitoics at Christmas - and this year was no exception. About 5 days before Christmas, we all came down with Strep Throat. Oh the joy of the season! Tuey & Pappa came over on Christmas Eve & I cooked a big Christmas Eve dinner. Angelina & Caroline opened all of their presents & thoroughly enjoyed themselves. Below is a photo of me cooking the turkey!

Dear God, I'm Exhausted

Yes, it has been an extremely LONG time since I last posted. Halloween has come & gone and Thanksgiving is right around the corner. What's my excuse for being so behind in posting? I am exhausted, people. I know you're not going to believe this, BUT raising two little girls is turning out to be quite the time-consuming project. Here's what's happened since I last posted:

*** I have a NEW 2010 Toyota Sienna Mini-Van! That's right, I can no longer be confused with a neighborhood maid. I think I have now risen to the level of possible nanny!
*** I am on my 3rd round of Valtrex for my Shingles. BUT, I think I am finally on my way to a full recovery!
*** Angelina is taking ballet & Caroline is taking Tap & Jazz. Do you have any idea how much jazz shoes cost? WAY TOO MUCH!
*** We spent this past weekend taking the Polar Express to the North Pole to visit Santa. If you don't know what the Polar Express is, it is a children's book about a train that takes some kids to the North Pole. Anyway, the whole experience was extremely cheesy, but the kids had a fabulous time & Bob and I had two bottles of wine.
*** The kids got their H1N1 vaccines & receive their boosters this Friday. AND, no, the kids haven't exploded or anything... YET!

Get Comfortable, This Is A Long One! But A Good One....

I've said it before & I'll say it again, never ever tempt the universe by complaining, "things can't possibly get worse", because things can always get worse. So, about three weeks ago I woke up with a nasty patch of, well for lack of a better term, "CRAP" on my face. At first, I just figured I was experiencing an allergic reaction to something. So, I popped some benadryl. After that didn't work, I went to the doctor. Like always, the doctor was on vacation, so I had to see the nurse practitioner, who told me that I had a staph infection on my face. She prescribed a topical antibiotic cream. I used the cream religiously for about a week with absolutely no improvement. So, the day before we left for DisneyLand, the nurse practitioner called in an oral antibiotic. Again, no improvement. Well, the day after we got home from DisneyLand, my spinal cord started tingling & feeling like it was on fire. Then I realized what was going on - I am no stranger to that burning sensation - I had the same feeling when I had shingles back in 2005!!! Quick SideNote: Do you have any idea who gets the shingles? I'll tell you who - The elderly & those who have suffered a trauma. While I would classify my rest-stop incident with Angelina as traumatic (see previous post), I don't exactly think it qualifies as such on an objective scale.

Anyway, when I woke up the next morning, I made an appointment with a different doctor to discuss my shingles. BUT before going to the doctor, I had to pick up my mini-van from the Chrysler dealership, which I had dropped off the day before to have the "tail light situation" examined. I showed up at the dealership about 9:15, found a customer service representative & requested my car. The gentleman took down my name, left for about 5 minutes, came back & said, "Ma'am, you're car is not here". WTF? Really? Clearly, I disagreed with him & suggested that he look harder. After about 15 minutes, the Chrysler man returned & actually asked me the following question: "Are you sure you left your car here?" I may have two kids & I may be a little frazzled at times, but even I can't misplace a freakin' mini-van!!!! Finally, after about 30 minutes, a search team of 10 men located my Town & Country. Needless to say, when the doctor diagnosed me with shingles about an hour later & asked, "What are you so stressed about that you are getting shingles at your age?", I responded, "You have no idea." BUT wait, there's more!!!! The doctor prescribed me the anti-viral medication Valtrex to help speed up my recovery. You know, the cool drug that is always being advertised on TV to aid those horny folks suffering from genital herpes, who don't want to infect their partners. FYI - All of this chaos occurred on the same day as Angelina's school's "Fall Festival" - an event where I had to volunteer. When I dropped off my prescription at Walgreens & the lady asked when I needed the Valtrex, I told her that I needed it IMMEDIATELY because I had to get to a Fall Festival. I don't even want to know what type of booth she thought I was working....

I've Met Karma ... AND, It's True, She's A Bitch!

Okay, I am the first to admit that I have done some "not-so-nice" things to people in the past - hell, probably, within the last hour, BUT does karma always have to strike while I am on vacation?!?!?! As many of you know, we left for DisneyLand last Sunday. And because I am a responsible traveler, I took the mini-van in for an oil change & overall inspection the week before. Everything checked out fine. However, 5 minutes after leaving the house for Anaheim on Sunday morning, the freakin' tail lights went out. We had to turn-around & go home, with both kids screaming "this isn't the way to DisneyLand". We had to unload all of our crap from the mini-van & repack it in Bob's car. Let me tell you all the things wrong with traveling in Bob's car... First & most importantly, it is a car. You can't imagine how cramped it is traveling in a car with two little girls, who insist on packing two suitcases just for their American Girl dolls! AND, unlike my mini-van, Bob's car does not have a DVD player. Due to the lack of entertainment, Angelina & Caroline spent the entire 6 hour trip taunting each other, hitting each other, etc.

Fortunately, the actual time we spent at DisneyLand was fun. Sure it rained, but we're desert dwellers, so precipitation is always exciting for us. What wasn't fun, however, was the trip back home. Once again, the lack of a DVD player really screwed things up. While Caroline slept, Angelina stared & stared out the window until she became horribly car sick. After multiple complaints that she was going to throw-up, Bob pulled over at a rest-stop. I took Angelina into the restroom. But before we could get into a stall, Angelina puked all over the floor ... AND, all over my foot. Not a good day for wearing flip-flops, people!!! I had Angelina's breakfast all in-between my toes - No wait, it gets better - In preparation for round 2, Angelina ran into a stall & clutched the toilet seat with her bare hands. If you know me, then you know my kids touching a public toilet seat is my worst nightmare!!! While Angelina took a break from being sick, I decided to wash off my foot. Of course, two women had to walk in during my bath. There I stood, washing my foot in a public sink standing next to a large pile of vomit on the floor. Angelina was silent, behind closed doors, so it appeared that I was all alone. In all my 33 years, I don't think I have ever received such disapproving glares. All I could retaliate with was, "I'm a lawyer". I had to say something & that's all I could come up with... Uggghhh... There is absolutely no dignity to be found with this "mother gig".

But enuf about my traveling woes, below are some photos of us during happier times!!! And, yes, I am holding a glass of wine at DisneyLand!

I'm Back!

I know it's been quite some time since I last posted. Reason? I broke-up with my courage, aka Pinot Noir, about 3 weeks ago in an effort to drop some pounds for our upcoming DisneyLand trip. I have found that without my dear companion, I don't blog as much! AND no, I am not trying to lose weight to look good for Mickey Mouse - I am, however, trying to avoid a heat rash on my inner thighs - if you have walked around D'Land in the California heat, then you know what I am talking about. Luckily, the weight is gone & I have reunited with my precious Pinot Noir. AND speaking of break-ups, Caroline broke-up with Cade. Why? Unfortunately, I don't have any details - All Caroline will reveal is that Cade is "too much of a bad boy." Caroline informed me that the "wedding" with Tanner is back-on! Hope none of you returned that wedding gift you bought....

Onto more Mann Family news... As some of you may have seen on my FaceBook page, we put the girls in soccer - NOT GOOD. Bob & I never learn. For the past 3 years, every Fall, the girls beg to do soccer AND each time they hate it! They love buying the soccer shoes, soccer shorts, shin guards... What they don't love, however, is running around a field kicking a ball. Thank God we only have two more Mondays of soccer left & the whole fiasco will be over! We also only have two more gymnastics classes left - the girls have decided that they want to return to dance. Actually they decided they were tired of gymnastics the day after I paid over $300 to enroll them in the Fall Session. Mean Old Me is making them stick-it-out until the very end. Damn you, Dance Fever!!! You have no idea how much I am dreading the whole dance thing. I am sure you remember my insane experiences during last year's "dance season". Dear God, I need a glass of wine just thinking about it. Hold on, I am going to get one....

Now, I must address some heartbreaking news... As most of you know, Angelina started refusing to wear pants when she was 2 . For the past 4 years she has worn only dresses & skirts. Then, out of the blue last Monday before school, Angelina declared that she will no longer wear dresses. WTF?!?! First & foremost, I have a small fortune invested in dresses, size 6X. Secondly, who said what at school that made my innocent little dress wearing Angel self-conscious about wearing dresses? All you women out there know exactly what I am talking about. Some little girl said something bitchy to Angelina. Like any good Mother, I told Angelina that she looks beautiful in dresses & that some people have mommies who don't care what they wear or what they look like. THEN, I put Angelina in a skirt, dropped her off at school & made a mad-dash to the mall to stock up on skirts. Do I think you should buckle under peer pressure? Hell no, but I also remember what it is like to be a kid & I don't want my little girl to be unhappy. Luckily, Angelina & I struck the following deal: Angelina must wear a dress 2 days a week until she outgrows them!!! Believe me, if I could shove my butt into one of those Gymboree dresses, I would... Do you have any idea how much those freakin' dresses cost?!?! Well, I can tell you who doesn't know how much a Gymboree dress costs ... BOB. Poor man... Every time he starts talking about retiring at 65, I just laugh. Quick background info.: Bob is one of 4 boys. He has absolutely no idea what he is in for being the father of 2 girls: Prom dresses, wedding dresses, etc. Hell, the bra & tampon budget alone could have Bob working until he is 100!

Speaking of Bob, Caroline decided on Wednesday that she wanted her hair cut in a "bob". So, I took Caroline to the salon & had her hair whacked off. Below are some photos... Yes, I am still pulling her hair back & topping it off with a bow!!!

Where to Begin?

I think the title says it all - So much has happened since the last time I posted that I'm not sure where to start, but here goes:
Let me begin with some shocking new developments with respect to Caroline's love life. You may need to sit down for this one - Caroline broke up with Tanner. I think y'all remember the love affair that blossomed between these two cutie-pies during last year's preschool class. Did Caroline call Tanner or e-mail him to break the news? No, she just tells everyone that she "dumped" him... the poor guy doesn't even know. Why the break-up? Caroline has a new man in her life - Cade. Cade is a little blonde man in her current Pre-K class. AND, for all of you Texas Longhorns out there, his parents are both UT graduates. I know, I know, she has good taste. But back to the details.... Apparently, Caroline & Cade met during lunch. I know this because I overheard the following conversation between my children:

Caroline: Angelina, I have a new boyfriend & his name is Cade.

Angelina: How did you two meet?

Caroline: We met at lunch. He told a joke, I laughed... We made out a little bit and then, you know, we are boyfriend & girlfriend. (FYI- it was after the "made-out" part that I spit out my coffee & rushed
into the playroom).

Angelina: So, you aren't going to marry Tanner?

Caroline: You know that's right.... I broke up with him.

"WTF" is right!!!! Caroline is 4 not 24!!!! "Made out"????? Yes, I did ask Caroline what she meant by "made out". She got mad & said, "Oh Mom ....". I didn't press the issue because as soon as I make a big deal out of something, she talks about it non-stop. The last thing I need is for Caroline to be telling everyone that she is making out with another 4-year old!!! Brace yourself, it gets better. Quick SideNote: On Fridays, Bob or I bring the girls a special lunch, you know, like McDonald's or something. Anyway, last Friday, Bob brought a Happy Meal to Caroline for lunch. When he kneeled down to kiss Caroline good-bye, Cade shouted from across the room, "Hey, I'm her boyfriend". Needless to say, this was Bob's worst nightmare, realized about 13 years early. Poor Bob. I think it would be an understatement to say that he was irritated by the comment. He's not the only person who is frustrated. This morning, every time I tried to fix Caroline's hair she took off running - she kept yelling, "You don't need to fix my hair, Cade loves me just the way I am." Again, where is she coming up with this stuff????

Moving on from Caroline & onto Angelina. Angelina doesn't have a love-life, but she did finish reading "Little Women" this week. She is VERY proud of herself. She went to school & told all of her classmates that she read "Little Women" - AND every child she told just stared at her. Poor baby couldn't figure out why no one knew about "Little Women". You know, I tried to read that book once & stopped mid-way through... Angelina read the damn thing in 2 days. It kills me - she has absolutely no idea how intelligent she is or that she is different from the other kids her age. She is just a happy little girl and I hope to keep it that way!

Why, Baby Chippie, Why?

On Thursday nite, Caroline's school had "Parent Orientation Nite". It's basically a meeting where the teacher tells all of the parents the classroon rules & expectations for the year. Well, after stuffing my big a$$ into a teeny-tiny preschooler chair, and finding myself bored out of my mind, I began to look around the classroom for something interesting. Here's another case of "be careful what you wish for", because I definitely found something interesting - a wall covered in drawings that each child had made of his/her family. Underneath each drawing was a child's name. I immediately started panning the wall, trying to find Caroline's name, so I could see her portrait of our family. During my examination of the wall, I encountered some great artwork - you know, stick figure moms, dad, brothers, sisters. THEN, I discovered Caroline's masterpiece - NO mom, No dad, No sister - just a large drawing of a monkey with big, red lips & "My Family" written underneath it. WHY?!?!?!?!? I mean seriously, what in God's name possessed her to do that? As always when it comes to Caroline, after I got over my initial shock of her deed, I laughed. I wonder what the 3rd week of school will bring?

Baby Chippie, Please, Please Be Good!

The girls have been in school for exactly 9 days & already we have had to schedule a meeting with Baby Chippie's teacher. Why you ask? I'm really not sure how to phrase this, but Caroline enjoys "hiding" her smarts when in the company of teachers. It all started last year in preschool when her teacher was trying to assess her knowledge of the alphabet. The child has known the alphabet backwards & forwards for years, so Bob & I were stunned when her "1st Semester Report Card" stated that Caroline could only identify the letter "C". WTF? Confused beyond belief, we scheduled a parent/teacher conference. FYI: The teaching method used in the preschool class is something called "Zoo Phonics". Basically, each letter is paired with an animal whose name begins with that letter - Aly the Alligator, Bubba the Bear, Catarina the Cat, etc. Well, according to Caroline's teacher, when she showed Caroline the letter "A" & asked her to make its sound, she made an alligator noise... With "B", Caroline growled like a bear & with "C" she meowed like a cat. The teacher explained that Caroline found the whole thing quite amusing. When we got home from the meeting, Bob & I sat Caroline down & gave her the "You're A Big Girl Now" speech. AND, before school started this year, I reminded Caroline that while school is a fun place, it also a place where learning is taken seriously. Like any good child, Caroline shook her head up & down & promised to cooperate with her teachers. Like any gullible mother, I looked into her big brown eyes & believed her.

So on Monday after school, as I was emptying Caroline's back-pack, I discovered a piece of paper from class where she had practiced writing her name. There was a big stamp across the top of the paper that read "Super Job". "Super Job" - I don't think so! The writing on the page was the worst rendition of Caroline's name I have ever seen. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Damn, Emily, the child is only 4 years old... GET A GRIP." I know she is only 4, but I also know that she can write her name very clearly. So, I asked Caroline to sit down & write her name for me. She did. Please, check out the comparison photos below... You see what I am talking about?

The next morning when we dropped Caroline off at school, I advised the teacher that Caroline can, in fact, write her name. That's when the teacher revealed this little gem. Apparently, the day before, the teacher advised Caroline that altho her letter "N" looked like an "N", she was not drawing it in the proper way. Caroline responded, "Well, this is the way I draw my "N's". When the teacher told Caroline that she needed to draw her "N's" in the correct way, Caroline became very irritated & snapped, "Well then, I guess I need to find a new school."

FABULOUS! Needless to say, I scheduled a parent/teacher conference, so that we could clear up the handwriting situation. Because I have a tendency to go apeshit when it comes to these types of things, Bob went alone & met with Caroline's teacher. Bob reported that she was quite surprised to see Caroline's real handwriting. What are we going to do with Baby Chippie? Love her.

EXHIBIT 1

EXHIBIT 2

The Last 24 Hours....

Yesterday afternoon, as I was backing out of the garage, I ran into the side of the garage. As a result, the back-end of my mini-van now has a big-ass dent in it. When I alerted Bob to the situation, he shook his head & laughed out loud. He tried to make me feel better by pointing out that the back of the mini-van now matches the front of the mini-van (See previous blog posts - I have also had my fair share of front-end "incidents") That poor car - having me as a driver has not been a good experience for it. What's worse is that I now look like a freakin' maid. I know it's terrible to say (AND I know this because Bob told me it was horrible to say), but every time I see a beat-up mini-van parked around here, the occupants are servicing someone's home. You know, the last year Angelina was at El Dorado, I overheard the teacher walking her to our car at the end of the day say, "Oh look, your nanny came to pick you up this afternoon." Real nice... Anyway, things didn't get much better when nite time rolled around. Sending Angelina off to "Sleepy Town" was a piece-of-cake... Unfortunately, getting Caroline to bed proved to be quite the ordeal. To avoid telling you a really long story, I will condense it ~ Caroline over-dosed on spaghetti, fruit chews & chocolate milk, so when it was time to go to bed, instead of peacefully closing her eyes & drifting off to sleep, she puked ALL over the place. So at 9pm last nite, I found myself washing sheets, washing Caroline's hair, etc. Luckily, everyone got a good nite's sleep & went on to have a great day at school. Needless to say, I am ready for bed & it's only 6:30!

Blast From The Past!

Not that I pride myself on being 100% up-to-date on current events around the world, but Angelina is about 69 years off the mark when it comes to current events. About a month ago, she became fascinated with a series of books about a little girl during WWII. Apparently, this little girl collects bottle caps to help the Allies. Well since reading these books, one thing has become very apparent about our little "Genius" - she has absolutely no concept of time. Why do I say this? Because Angelina is currently collecting bottle caps to help the Allies. That's right folks, Angelina is bound & determined to defeat Hitler. You can't begin to imagine how many bottle caps this child has collected. Bob & I don't have the heart to tell her that the Axis Powers have already been taken care of ... It's only a matter of time before she spear-heads a bottle cap collection drive at school. I can see it now - People will just assume that she is trying to garner support for our troops in the Middle East & the bottle caps will pour in by the hundreds. Then one day, someone will ask "the" question & Angelina's answer will reveal that she is, in fact, trying to stop the Nazis, not Al-Qaeda. This whole thing makes me long for the days when she was convinced she was Cinderella... Aaahhh, things were so simple then.

Back To School!

So, Monday was the 1st day of school for both Angelina & Caroline! I swear that first day back is better than Christmas. New dresses, backpacks & lunch boxes for the girls - a clean house & some much needed down-time for me. Now for the details! Because the girls' schools start & end at the same time, I was extremely anxious about getting everyone where they needed to be AND on time. Thank God we live so close to both schools because the parking situation was an absolute nightmare. Not that walking to school in 100 degree heat is enjoyable, but it clearly beats trying to find a parking space while watching the minutes tick, tick away until the final bell rings!!! With respect to Caroline's drop-off, we could have abandoned her in the school parking lot & left. The child would have wondered into school, settled into a 3rd grade class & never thought twice about the entire thing. In fact, on Tuesday, she begged & pleaded with Bob & I NOT to walk her into the school gates- she kept yelling "Halt ... I don't need you, I know where to go". To her extreme disappointment, school policy mandates that I sign her in at the classroom, AND besides, who the hell doesn't walk their 4-year old into school!?! Now onto Angelina's drop-off. Well for as much as Caroline is indifferent, Angelina is sensitive. While she didn't need to hold my hand, she did need me to blow kisses at her as she disappeared into the school building.

Now, onto the pick-up. Luckily, my parents volunteered to pick Caroline up from school, so I could figure out the "car pick-up" situation at Grayhawk. This is the deal: Last year at kindergarten pick-up, Angelina's teacher physically placed her in our car. BUT this year, at the "big kid" pick-up, all of the children in grades 1-6 gather in one big loading zone & hop into their cars. Anyway, I arrived at the loading zone early & took great pride in being the 3rd car in line. Well, when 3 o'clock rolled around, Angelina was nowhere to be found. In fact, no parent in the pick-up car line waiting for a 1st grader could find their child. After about 5 minutes, I got out of my car, approached the principal who was overseeing the pick-up process & reported that Angelina was MIA. Talk about freaking out... I knew Angelina was somewhere, but the thought of her panicking & thinking I had forgotten to pick her up was enuf to make me throw-up! Turns out that the 1st grade teachers decided to hold-back all of their students until the older kids were gone, so that the little ones wouldn't feel intimidated. Unfortunately, none of the 1st grade moms received that memo!!!

So by the time Angelina & I arrived home I was feeling guilty for being late for Caroline's big arrival home. As soon as we walked in the door, I asked Caroline how her first day of school went. Caroline responded with, "You don't need to know that". WTF? I tried to bribe her with fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies, BUT she still refused to tell me anything - she just kept saying, "You don't need to know". Well despite Caroline's refusal to divulge any details, I did manage to uncover one tidbit: Neither kid peed at school (BTW, my Mother is cringing right now b/c I didn't use the word "tinkle"). Can you imagine going from 9 until 3 without peeing? Well enuf talk... Below are some photos from the 1st day of school... Are my girls beautiful or what?

Surprise!

Wow! My life since Friday has been full of surprises. So, my weekend started off with a party. Sounds like a fun way to begin, right? Think again. I arrived at the party on time, however, the individual hosting the shindig showed up nearly 40 minutes late - almost 40 minutes late for her own freakin' party. The reason for the extreme tardiness? I have no idea because no reason or apology was given. But wait, it gets better. While I stood around waiting with the other guests, the owner of the venue approached me & asked for the total head count with respect to the guest list. WTF??? How the hell was I supposed to know... And that's basically the answer I gave. THEN, she complained that she left a message for the host regarding the final guest list & never received a call-back. Neat. That's right "Neat". That's really all I have to say about the situation because I cannot find the words to adequately express just how offended I am by the whole thing. How is it that I am continually shocked & surprised by people's complete lack of manners, respect, etc?

Okay, now for some more interesting surprises. On Saturday evening, while preparing dinner for a family BBQ, I whacked off the top of my pinky finger while peeling potatoes. I have never seen so much blood in my entire life. Holy Crappers, it was incredible. My Dad & I drove to Walgreens to purchase gauze & heavy duty band-aids. On the way home, I bled thru my jumbo paper towel wrap all over the interior of my parents' car. My poor Dad spent the next 20 minutes in our driveway trying to remove the blood stains because, as he explained, he didn't want to become the main suspect on a 48 Hours Mystery if I died (clearly someone is watching way too much of the Investigation Discovery Channel). My Mother tried to convince me to go in for stitches, but I refused. I have found in my 33 years that there are few things in life that excessive amounts of Motrin & Pinot Noir can't fix. After about 6 hours, the bleeding finally stopped. Hopefully, the top of my finger will grow back. For those of you who know, I barely have hands, so every little bit makes a huge difference. BUT, one more thing ... While I was waiting for my blood to clot, I was wondering around the house doing "Mom" things, when I happened to walk by the playroom, where I witnessed Caroline vigourously shaking the gerbil cage & yelling, "EARTHQUAKE, EARTHQUAKE ". You know, looking back, I seriously suspect that "Chocolate" the gerbil committed suicide.

I will now end this post with something completely random - A video of Caroline at Tuey & Pappa's house, entitled "A Rat Came Into The House".

Hey Babies, Where Did You Go?!?

Do you realize that school starts on August 17th? Where the hell did the summer go? But more importantly, where did my babies go? Over past 2 1/2 months my "babies" have morphed into "kids". Case in point - I have spent several hours a week over the past 4 years sitting in hallways, waiting for one or both of my children to emerge from lessons. Why did I stay? Well, what if someone got hurt OR even worse - what if Angelina or Caroline had to pee & neglected to put down the toilet seat safeguard, sanitary sheet?!?! Oh the horror! But times are a changin' for me. I am happy (and maybe even a little sad) to report that last Tuesday, I dropped the girls off at gymnastics, ran to the grocery store, went home to unload & then returned to pick them up. What's even more shocking is that it wasn't my idea. Angelina overheard me complaining to Bob about having to grocery shop so late in the afternoon after gymnastics, so she suggested I go to the store while she & Caroline were in class. To Caroline's disappointment, I escorted them into the building & waited for them to enter class before leaving. Caroline actually requested that I drop them off at the curb! WTF?!?!

Thank God that amidst all of the change I have witnessed this summer, one thing has remained the same - both Angelina & Caroline continue to shock me with the things that come out of their mouths. Below are few recent quotes from the Princess.

* So, we were all in the pool yesterday when a bee came flying by Caroline. When Caroline started to panic & flail around, Angelina yelled, "Caroline ignore it, you know like we do Mommy & it will go away"! I know they don't listen to me all of the time, but I certainly didn't know that it was part of a "strategy"....

* Before bed last nite, I asked Angelina which boys from her kindergarten class she was hoping to see in her 1st grade class this year. Angelina answered, "Evan". She went onto explain, "Evan chased me a lot at recess. And when the boys didn't chase me, I would tell them to." When Angelina encountered a blank stare & awkward silence from me, she advised, "Well, you know, only because it's good exercise."
* A couple of weeks ago, while we were waiting to be seated at a restaurant, Angelina leaned over & told me, "Mom, Mom, I don't think I can hold it." A little irritated, I told her to calm down & pointed to the ladies room sign. That's when she snapped, "No, no, not that... I'm feeling the urge to turn into a cheetah & I don't think I can fight it."
* As you can tell from the photos I post, Angelina & I look nothing alike. Sometimes I think it bothers her that Caroline looks a lot like me. So the other day, as I was staring at Angelina, I noticed that she might actually have my nose. Thinking that such a similiarity would make her happy, I said, "Hey, Angelina, I think you might have Mommy's nose". Unfortunately, her response was, "Great, I am going to have a huge nose".

Crap On A Stick!

Okay, this story involves neither crap nor a stick, but is nevertheless interesting. So the gerbil drama did not end with the freezing of Blondie's body. BTW, it was rather interesting to return from our trip & find Blondie nestled between a frozen pizza & a bag of spinach. Good thing we didn't die on the trip back home, someone would have looked in my freezer & thought I was too cheap to buy hamburger! Anyway, remember awhile back when Blackie & Blondie escaped from their cage during the nite & Blackie was batted to death by the cats & Blondie lost her tail? Well, after Blondie recovered from her tail injury, we purchased Blackie Part II, so Blondie wouldn't be lonely. So after Caroline performed the ceremonial tossing of Blondie's body into the garbage bin (see photo), the girls & I traveled to PetSmart in search of a new companion for Blackie. Caroline & Angelina picked out a little brown cutie & named her "Chocolate". When we got home, we put Chocolate in the cage with Blackie. Unlike our previous experience with integrating gerbils, they didn't fight or chase each other. Well, two hours later, when I went into the playroom to check on the gerbils, I was stunned to discover that Chocolate was MIA. Initially Bob made fun of me, since Blackie was still in the cage & all of the doors & latches on the cage were locked. BUT, after sticking his hand in the cage & performing a thorough examination of the gerbil premises, Bob agreed that Chocolate had somehow managed to escape. We locked the cats in our room & began searching the house. After about 30 minutes & a glass of wine (who am I kidding? 2 glasses of wine... EACH), Bob decided to rummage thru the cage one more time. That's when Bob dug up Chocolate's very bloody body. That's right, Blackie ate Chocolate. OOOOOhhhh the drama... Angelina howled & howled - Caroline, on the otherhand, shrugged her shoulders & exhibited extreme irritation with Angelina's expression of grief. In fact, Caroline was so irritated that she tried to slap the hysteria out of Angelina. To everyone's disappointment, the slap just made Angelina scream louder & resulted in Caroline being put in time-out. Anyway, the next morning, the girls & I returned to PetSmart with our receipt, which guaranteed us a brand new, breathing gerbil, if the originally purchased gerbil kicked it. I presented the first teenage, acne-stricken, sales associate I encountered with our receipt & requested a new gerbil. That's when Miss High School Reject 2009 advised me that she needed to see Chocolate's body in order honor my request. WTF?!?! It's a freakin' gerbil, not Michael Jackson! Of course, I asked to speak with the manager - I informed Mr. Manager there was no way in hell I was going to dig for the body of a dead gerbil, which sat overnite in an outdoor garbage bin, in 100 degree heat. It didn't hurt that Caroline looked up at the man, and with her big, brown eyes, muttered, "Mister, my gerbie is dead". To make an incredibly long story a little less long - we bought a new gerbil named "Cutie". Blackie Part II seems to like her - and by "seems to like her", I mean that Blackie Part II has yet to eat her.

Hello Again!

Has it been a long time or what??? So, we left for the mountains last Wednesday to escape the horrific heat - we were supposed to be back in Scottsdale today... BUT, as we were driving home this morning, we passed a cheesy, western ranch/resort. Angelina saw a sign advertising horse rides for little kids, so we pulled over. I think all of you know that Angelina has a bizarre obsession with horses. Anyway, for $16.00 the girls got to ride two little ponies around in a circle for about 5 minutes. While Bob was gone investigating the resort, the girls & I took a tour of the horse stables. When the tour guide stopped to show us the ranch's prized stallion, Caroline pointed at the horse's private parts & made some loud, inappropriate comments. Thank you, Baby Chippie. After the tour, the girls begged to have lunch at the "Wild Women Saloon" - Fitting name, right? And because Bob & I are push-overs & scared to death of the 115 degree temperatures in the valley, we got a room at the ranch for the nite.

BUT NOW, some very sad news.... According to our next-door-neighbor's son - the one taking care of our zoo while we are away - Blondie the Gerbil has left us for the big running wheel in the sky! So sad... We haven't told the girls yet. We instructed Nicholas to place Blondie in a ziploc bag & toss him in the freezer... The kids will definitely want to say "good-bye" & look at him one last time!

4th of July Flashback!

I remember it like it was yesterday, the week leading up to July 4th, 2005. I made an appointment to have the girls' portrait taken. I loaded up the girls & my parents and headed off to the mall. Angelina had a total melt-down & refused to sit for the photographer. We tried to calm her down by buying her a huge cup of chocolate ice-cream, which she then proceeded to drip all over her dress. By the time Angelina was ready to have her picture taken, her dress (which matched Caroline's dress) was filthy. Because the girls had to match, I ran into the closest store, which happened to be Old Navy, to buy two NEW dresses. To my horror, the only similiar looking dresses I could find were these over-the-top 4th of July outfits. AND of course, when we returned to the photo studio they couldn't squeeze us in. By the time we found a photo studio that had time for us, we had been at the mall for 6 freakin' hours. I remember my Dad asking how many times a year I planned on having the kids picture taken!!! I also remember Bob's reaction when he first looked at the 8 x 10 - "All you're missing is a photo of George Bush in the background." ANYWAY, on Thursday, the kids & I found ourselves near a photo studio, so we ran in & had a 4-Year Anniversary photo taken to commemorate that day back in 2005!

The Girls of Summer

Okay, living in the desert during the summer does have its benefits. For instance, the girls swim all day & all evening. My laundry load is at an all-time low & I don't have to bathe them every nite. Right or wrong, I am that mother who believes that chlorine kills almost everything.

PMS!!!!

I am using this blog to warn the public that I am suffering from a SEVERE case of PMS. Believe me, the heat-wave we are experiencing in the Valley is not helping my situation. OH, and the fact that I am trying to lose 10lbs. is not helping either. Oh the fun.... BTW, below is Bob's take on the situation:

Me: I have a horrible case of PMS.
BOB: You've had a bad case of PMS since 1972.
Me: What are you talking about? I wasn't born until 1976.
BOB: I know.

What the hell does that mean? He is a VERY brave man.

The Diet Begins....

Hello All! I am announcing to the world that I need to lose about 10lbs. Why? Because my bikini- bod is starting to resemble Kim Kardashian's & I don't have ass implants. Why am I telling you this? Because if I don't say it, I will never do it. I figure if I don't do it now, I will never do it & probably pack on 10 more. I need to knock off the carbs, including my precious Pinot Noir (who I will miss dearly). Weight loss is such a slippery-slope for me. Check-out the photos below: I am either way over-weight or way under-weight. But this time, I hope to get it right... At least that's what I'm aiming for - we will see.

We Have Reached A Milestone!

As I mentioned yesterday, we had a our new, SPOTLESS, carpet installed this morning... It is a breathtaking sight. So if you don't have kids, then what I am about to announce will not mean much to you... BUT, if you do have kids, especially a filthy, little juice-spilling 2-year old, who occasionally can't control the urge to pee or vomit on your carpet, then you will definitely appreciate this... Drum roll, please - Bob & I have reclaimed our master bedroom & bathroom. With the exception of napping, our room is now an "Adult-Only" zone. That's right, no more bath toys next to my razor, no more Barbie dolls hidden in my bed sheets - NADA! And while I hate to admit it, there is one more thing that has been banned from the room - Wine. I spilled A LOT of wine on the prior carpet (see horrific photo in the prior post).

Oh, and not to change the subject, but I just realized that I didn't post anything for Father's Day! So, I will now take a minute to pay tribute to my wonderful husband & the father of my two beautiful babies. When I asked Bob what has changed about his life since the arrival of our two little wild women, he responded as follows, "My life is better & happier and I don't want to die & miss seeing what these two are going to do." There you have it. I truly do hope that Angelina & Caroline come to realize how lucky they are - they have a loving daddy who works from home just so he can experience every single minute of their lives. He is there when they wake-up, he is there when they go to sleep & he is there for everything in-between. He lives to be a daddy & he is my best friend. He is the one who insisted we pick a female pediatrician, so the girls would know that doctors are women. He is the one who told Angelina that Stanford was where she belonged when she came to him & said she couldn't wait to go to Arizona State. AND, he is the man who talks about selling our house in 15 years, so we can follow the girls around when they are grown & on their own. Bob truly is one of a kind. Below are some photos of Bob & his babies from the early years...
Bob & Baby Angelina


Bob & Baby Caroline


Horsie By Day, Lawyer By Nite

Hello Again!!!!

Well folks, it's been awhile - I must say that I am shocked & surprised by how busy my days have become since these nutjob kids got out for summer vacation. It turns out that when they are both home all day, they actually expect me to get off my ass & do a whole bunch of stuff with them. I kid, I kid ... Anway, below are some Mann Family highlites from the past week.

Gymnastics: With the final dance recital behind us, I enrolled the girls in gymnastics. They are loving it. In fact, they love it so much that they are seriously considering hanging up their dancin' shoes. Unfortunately for Angelina, this past week, her enthusiasm for gingerly propelling herself into a backward roll resulted in a black eye & bruised cheek-bone. She flipped herself back with so much momentum that her knee flew right into her face. You should have heard the screaming & the moaning! When the child dances, she has the grace of an angel... When it comes to gymnastics, however, her limbs kind of fly around & if she's lucky, she moves her head just in time. Surely her coordination will improve with time... right? Between me & you, I am keeping those ballet shoes in a nice, safe place. AND, yes, the girls are sportin' hot pants.

The Grayhawk ShitHead: Before I get into the latest saga in my life, let me share with you a little background information. We live in a great North Scottsdale community called Grayhawk. We purposely moved here because of the great schools, great people, etc. BUT in recent months, our particular subdivision has been experiencing some vandalism (toilet papering, eggs, "shit bombs"). In fact, our poor neighbors had so many toilet paper rolls thrown into their pool that it broke the pool pump. Well, this past Friday nite, about 10:30, our door bell rang. When Bob & I went outside, our house was covered in toilet paper, silly string AND the icing on the cake - someone peed on my front door. To make an incredibly LONG story shorter, the toilet papering, shit-bomb throwing, front-door peer has been identified & is currently the subject of a Scottdale PD investigation. AND, yes, he is the child of one of our dear neighbors (and by "dear neighbors", I mean inconsiderate, irresponsible, jack-asses who choose not to supervise their child). If it were up to me, I would just go pee on their door.... Don't worry, Bob has repeatedly explained to me that we cannot resolve this matter in that way.

The Remodel: On a much happier note, my crappy master bedroom will not be crappy much longer. We started gutting & remodeling the house about 2 years ago & the only two things that remain are my master bedroom and bath. Check out the photos of my carpet... I'm not exactly sure what those stains are, but here are some possibilities: wine, throw-up, some form of food and/or pee. It truly is tragic. The painters were here on Monday & the new carpet is being installed tomorrow. THANK GOD!

Altho my life was quite busy this past week with the girls' lessons, the remodel, etc., I still managed to find time to make a complete ass out of myself. Here goes: About once a week, I make a trip to SuperWalmart to buy those household items that I refuse to pay almost double for at my regular grocery store. About 1/2 the time, I get the same lady at the check-out stand - let's call her "Jane". Now, over the past 7 months I have watched Jane's stomach steadily expand. Not in a fat,rolly way, but in a taunt, pregnant way. I've never said anything to her about it, but as I stood in line this past Friday, I noticed that her pants were unzipped. I thought about saying, "Hey, your zipper's down", but then I thought, "times are hard, maybe she is trying to make her regular pants last as long as possible & can't afford to buy maternity pants." So, when it was my turn & as Jane was scanning my jumbo pack of toilet paper, I asked, "When are you due"? Jane put down the toilet paper, looked me right in the eyes & said, "I'm NOT pregnant." Talk about being speechless... WTF? Did I insult her? Yes. Did I pray that the ground would open up & swallow me? Yes. Do I think this woman is going to end up as the star of TLC's "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"? Absolutely. Look, I know when I see a pregnant person...

I'm Not Dead...

I can't believe I haven't posted in so long... Things have been a little crazy around here lately, but I promise to post within the next couple of days!

A Star Is Born!

June 13th will forever be a magical day in the Mann family - today, Caroline made her first stage debut! And altho Bob was supposed to be in North Carolina until Tuesday, he caught a 6am flight back to Phoenix & made it just in time to see his baby shake & shimmy her little heart out. In fact, baby Caroline put on such a passionate performance that she brought Tuey to tears. We couldn't have been more proud. Thank God, my fears regarding the studio's ability to follow-thru with the recital were wrong!

Out Of Sight, BUT Definitely NOT Out Of Mind!

On Wednesday morning, Bob left the girls & I once more for North Carolina ... The airport scene was so sad. Angelina howled & cried - Caroline, on the otherhand, got really irritated with Angelina's non-stop sobbing & kept asking if Angelina was going to do "this" all night. Once Angelina finally stopped crying, Caroline started singing the following little ditty: "Someone's Daddy left for North Carolina and he's not coming baaaaccckkk." Of course, this triggered additional moaning & crying from Angelina & when I told Caroline to knock it off, she informed me that she was singing a song about some other kid's dad & the whole thing was just a mere "coincidence". Anyway, given the drama surrounding Bob's last trip to North Carolina, I made the wise decision to bring in some help this go-around - That's right, TUEY is staying at our house. The lady successfully entertains the girls for hours & hours AND they like her a hell of a lot more than they like me! My Mother is definitely one-of-a-kind. For the girls' birthdays this year, Tuey & Pappa bought them American Girl dolls ... AND, to ensure a totally fun experience, Pappa ordered Tuey her own American doll. So, all three of them sit in the playroom together, playing with their dolls. But since arriving at our house, the fun has not been limited to playing with dolls. Tuey has shown the girls how to apply mascara & curl their eyelashes with one of those mid-evil torture devices. But neither dolls nor mascara have been her greatest contribution - Tuey brought the girls the movie, "Kit Kittredge". In case you have never seen this movie (and somehow I doubt you have), it is about a little girl growing up during the Great Depression. She writes newspaper articles about her town's day-to-day struggles & eventually ends up with a published article about her own family's tragedies & triumphs. Well, when Caroline & I arrived home from today's dance rehearsal, we found Angelina going door-to-door handing out copies of her newspaper. That's right, for about two hours this afternoon, Little Angelina was Kitt Kittredge. Below is a copy of Angelina's newspaper. AND because we have such wonderful neighbors, they called & left messages for Angelina, telling her how touched they were by her article.

Love Makes Everything Better...

For the past three years, Caroline has had to endure being the tag-a-long kid. Since she popped out in March 2005, the poor child has been forced to suffer thru Angelina's many dance lessons, technical rehearsals, dress rehearsals, recital photo shoots, and recitals lasting in excess of 2 hours. And thru it all, Caroline has been a real trooper. In 2008, she persevered through the Mommy & Me ballet/tap class that was not chosen to perform at the recital. BUT 2009 was slated to be Caroline's year to shine. She has attended every dance class since August - she has rehearsed "Hip Hop Teddy Bear" (the tap number) & "Fairy Ballerina" (the ballet number) so many times that she can do the routines in her sleep. The big performance is next Saturday & sadly, this past Tuesday, Caroline's beloved dance teacher quit. The owner of the studio took over the class, but Caroline was understandably disappointed. Altho no one will disclose the details surrouding the teacher's sudden departure, I have a gnawing suspicion that the studio is not making payroll. Needles to say, I am a little worried (to put it mildly) that next Saturday's performance will not happen. I am trying to be optimistic & keeping my fingers crossed, but the down-economy, especially the failing real-estate market, is killing everything in Scottsdale. I definitely have empathy for the dance studio's owners - keeping a business afloat that depends upon families' expendable income is damn near impossible to do around here. Anyway, today was Caroline's group photo-shoot for the recital. Caroline was so excited because today was finally her chance to have HER photo taken. For once, she wasn't just tagging along, she was the ONE who had something to do. I did her hair & make-up, packed up her costumes & even arrived at the studio early to snag a good spot in the dressing room. Well, only one other child from the class showed up - as a result, there was no "group" photo. AND it's not hard to understand why so many people opted not to participe in the shoot - the photography studio set outrageous prices for the portraits. Anyway, please say a little prayer tonite that Caroline gets to make her big stage debut next Saturday!

Luckily, Baby Chippie's day had a happy ending. Caroline's boyfriend, Little Tanner, had his 4th Birthday Bash this afternoon. I can honestly say that I have never seen Caroline so excited. She picked out her swimsuit, her hair-bows, etc... As you can see from the photos below, Caroline shared a very special afternoon with the love of her life!

So Far, So Good....

As many of you know, my feelings regarding summer vacation were a mix of joy & fear. Keep in mind that summer in Scottsdale is like winter in the Midwest. Unless you're swimming, you are pretty much stuck in the house with the kids due to the unbearable heat until September. But I must admit, the girls & I have had a fabulous time so far. I mean we can't rule out the possibility that I will be committed to a mental health facility by early July, but Angelina & Caroline are finally at great ages - they don't run from me in stores, they behave like civilized human beings at the movies, etc... AND they're not embarrassed to be seen with me - yet - so I don't have to drag them places. Altho the ride has been shockingly smooth thus far, there have been some interesting encounters along the way:

Thursday: Bright & early at 7:30 am, Caroline received an e-mail from her boyfriend, Tanner. The e-mail read as follows:

Caroline,
I love you very much because uhhh I love you

and you are so gorgeous and gentle. I miss you.
Love, Tanner

Okay, Caroline is 4 years old. I didn't receive an e-mail like that until I was 24. WTF?!?! Oh well, I guess when you got "it", you got "it". And "gentle"? She attacks Angelina like a WWF wrestler on a daily basis! Anyway, Caroline was pretty much speechless when Angelina read the e-mail to her. She is attending Tanner's 4th birthday party on Saturday - the whole birthday party thing is probably just a ruse to lure Caroline to Tanner's house for surf & turf by candle lite.

Friday: Let me start by saying that I have NEVER bought my children "play" make-up. Seriously, I don't know any sane person with carpet and/or furniture who would buy red lipstick & blue eyeshadow for their 4 & 6 year olds. Wait a minute - I do know someone that would do something so outrageous - MY MOTHER!!!! Until this past Friday, I had successfully managed to hide the "Tuey Make-Up Supply" from the girls. But with nowhere to be & time on their hands, Angelina & Caroline snooped their way into my secret hiding place. Below is a photo of their make-up artistry. Pretty classy stuff, huh? After painting their faces, they dressed up in costumes. When I asked if I could play, Caroline responded that she was the princess, & Angelina was the Queen - then she graciously offered me the role of "NutJob". As enticing as being a "NutJob" sounds, I turned down the role & cleaned the bathrooms instead.

Saturday: Okay, I have not had a girls nite out on the town in almost 3 years. So when a good friend invited me to join her & some girlfriends for drinks at a new Scottsdale nightclub, I jumped at the chance to go. With nothing to wear, I took a trip to the mall in search of an outfit - with the kiddos in tow. After locating a dress to try on, the girls & I entered dressing room area & claimed the only vacant room. So, I put on the dress & asked "How does Mommy look"? I think you know where this is going. Caroline made the following comment: "Oooohh, Mommy, that dress makes your boobies look fat... You are one hot, red-blooded Mama"! While this comment left me speechless & bug-eyed, it successfully engendered loud laughter from the other ladies in the dressing room. Needless to say, after receiving such a rave review from Caroline, I bought the dress. Now, onto my actual nite out. First let me start by saying that only one thing has changed about the club/bar scene - ME - I am old. AND responsible - I left twice to call home & check on everyone. Oh, and during one of my many trips to the bathroom (after having two kids, my bladder isn't what it used to be), I actually ran into the neighborhood "porn star" & this time she formally introduced herself with a handshake. Given the rumors around here, it was like shaking hands with Big Foot. I have mentioned her on my blog before, but just to recap, we have a real live, walking/talking porn star living in our little Grayhawk community. Anyway, the wine was good & I really enjoyed spending time with some fabulous friends. BUT, I didn't get home until 1am & I am almost always asleep by 10. AND, of course, Caroline was up at 6:45! It has taken me 3 days to recover from the fatigue. From now on, I think I will stick to drinking wine at home with the family between the hours of 5 & 9... Oh, who am I kidding - between the hours of 3 & 9.

Pomp & Circumstance

Attention Everyone: Angelina is officially a 1st Grader! Yesterday morning at 8:55 a.m., I dropped my Kindergartner off at school & at 12:15, I picked up a 1st Grader. I must say that the school year went by really fast. So fast that Angelina isn't ready for it to be over. In fact, when I told her she didn't have school again until August, she stuck out her bottom lip, folded her arms and huffed & puffed "That's so unfair". Oh to be young again! Below is a photo of our little graduate ... Yeah, I have no idea why these two are dressed like this ...

Oops!

Before I convey to you today's sad, sad story, I must provide you with one key piece of information. When I awoke this morning, I threw on a one-piece, strapless dress - you know, the kind you can just pull up & on ... Okay, proceed - with caution!

I am ashamed to report that today, Angelina's imperfect mother tarnished her perfect attendance record. The poor child, who prides herself on being perfect 100% of the time, who has exactly 1/2 a day of school left, was ... okay, brace yourself ... TARDY!!! To be exact, she was 1 minute late for school. Not a big deal in my book, but like an entire chapter in Angelina's book. Not to pass the buck, but we left for school at the same time we do everyday - we just couldn't find any parking for some unknown reason. Now, onto the real tragedy. When I eventually found a parking space, I knew we were running late... my pulse was racing... All I could think about was the look on poor, little Angelina's face when she had to ask the front office for a late slip. I jumped out of the car, grabbed Angelina's backpack, lunch box & purse - There I stood in the school parking lot, surrounded by mothers & children making their way into school... There I stood, griping at the girls to hurry up & get out of the car... In fact, I was so busy hurrying everyone up that I didn't realize I was standing in the school parking lot with my dress, down around my waist. Don't worry - I had a bra on! I must say, I found it very touching the way neither Angelina nor Caroline alerted me to the fact that my dress had fallen down. So many questions come to mind as I recall this incident. First & foremost - how is it that I didn't notice that I no longer had a top on?!?! I mean really, has it come to that point? Anyway, because I was holding so much stuff, I couldn't free my hands up to pull my dress back up. I had to get back into the car, put down all of Angelina's stuff & then pull up my top. Needless to say, Starbucks didn't exactly have the beverage that I needed this morning at 9am... Good nite!

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

This past week was a hectic one! Bob's workload was out-of-control, and as a result, I was forced to play lawyer. Between actually helping Bob and complaining about having to help Bob, I didn't get a chance to post. Needless to say, I am very happy that this weekend is a long one. I am also very happy that Angelina is out for summer vacation on Wednesday - rushing around in the mornings AND trying to keep Caroline entertained (her school ended last week) is getting to be a tadbit old. So in preparation (and out of fear) for the next two months, Bob & I spent the day installing a mini-fridge & a computer in the girls' playroom. I should probably be concerned that Angelina & Caroline have been in the playroom, playing on the internet for the past two hours - with the door locked - but I am enjoying the peace & quiet way too much. They actually took it upon themselves to stock the mini-fridge with applesauce, juice-boxes & popsicles. Bob said it's the dorm room he always wanted. OKAY, I just now got off the phone with my Mother, who explained why Angelina stocked her mini-fridge with applesauce. Apparently, Angelina advised my Mother that she is "cutting down" on her daily dose of pasta & replacing it with applesauce because she is constipated. Who knew!

Anyway, before I go, I would like to share with you a quote from the constipated Princess. Last nite, Angelina requested that Bob tell her a bedtime story. Bob, being a man, spared Angelina the "Once upon a time" princess story... Instead, he shared a hunting story from his youth. After the story was over, Angelina advised Bob as follows: "You know, Daddy, you should always hunt a nocturnal animal during the day because it is much easier to shoot an animal when it is sleeping." Mental Note: Do not get on Angelina's bad side. And speaking of getting on someone's bad side, Baby Chippie will eventually kill me for posting this photo. BUT, I had to do it. There is only one time in a woman's life when a chubby booty with little dimples is the most adorable thing in the world!

 

It's Officially Summer

I know, it's not technically "summer", but when you live in Scottsdale & the weatherman tells you the 100s are here to stay & your overnite low is 90, it is definitely summer! Oddly enuf, I don't have anything crazy to report - I am just as shocked as you are. But don't worry, Caroline's school ended last week & Angelina's school is out next week ... Me at home with the girls for the next 10 weeks cannot possibly yield boring results. Just typing that sentence instills fear in me! Well, since nothing exciting is going on, I decided to post some weekend photos of the girls flying thru the air & into the pool. Yes, I realize that Caroline is naked, but you're only little once!

Thank you, Grandma!

To the right is a photo of Baby Chippie dressed as a Fuzzy Bear. This is the costume she will be wearing for her "tap" routine in the June recital. She is very excited - mainly because the Princess will NOT be dancing in the recital (the studio ultimately decided not to do a recital dance for Angelina's ballet class b/c of the February ballet production). Nothing fills Caroline's heart with joy like really sticking it to Angelina. Aaaahhh, the joy of having two girls, two years apart. I shudder to think of my life in 8 years, when one is prancing around in skinny jeans & the other is sporting full hips... When one is shopping for C-Cup bras & the other is applying "Miracle Grow" boob cream & praying for divine intervention. It's not a pretty forecast, not pretty at all.

 

On an entirely different note, I would like to share with you a very touching Mother's Day story about my Grandma. Apparently every year, she invites her dear children over for a Mother's Day lunch. Who cooks the lunch every year? You guessed it - Grandma. Anyway, this past Sunday, when lunch rolled around, my Grandma found herself sitting all alone with a roast. Like any good woman from my family, she proceeded to grab a bottle & drink away her irritation. By the time one of her tardy children called to wish her a "Happy Mother's Day", Grandma was feeling pretty good. AND, when her adult child advised her that everyone thought they were coming for dinner, my dear Grandma responded as follows: "Well, if you Fuc#$ers had any class, you would have called ahead of time & asked if you could bring anything... THEN you would have known what time to come!" Thank you, Grandma, I couldn't have said it better myself!

Happy Mother's Day!

Yes, it is that time of year when all of us women who have birthed children and, as a consequence, have said "Adios" to our once perky boobies & butts, receive thoughtful gifts that only a mother could love. To commemorate the occasion, I have compiled a list of things that have, over the years, made me realize that I am a Mom:

(1) I had shingles at the age of 28 ... Having 2 kids under the age of 3 will do that

(2) I voluntarily drive a mini-van

(3) I am a lawyer by way of hard work & a dairy manufacturer by sheer miracle

(4) I never ever bathe or pee by myself

(5) I touch poop & vomit without gagging

(6) I have seen the Wiggles LIVE twice

(7) I celebrate Jewish holidays, eventho I am not Jewish

(8) I drink large quantities of cheap wine

(9) I have gained 85lbs. in 9 months TWICE!

(10) When I travel, I always bring a set of grandparents along... It's like packing an extra pair of undies

And as any mother will tell you, being a mother is an exhausting, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, gig that comes with absolutely NO pay or holidays. Perfect Example: My Mother started her career as a stay-at-home mom in July 1965 (Notice there is no end date... that's because I am still following her around). AND according to the Social Security Administration, my Mother's lifetime earnings total $6.75. Go ahead, laugh ... It's okay.

Anyone Out There In Need of a SUPERnanny?

You might recall from my earlier posts that I have been in contact with a reality show casting producer from LA. Well guess what.... She is currently casting for ABC's SUPERNANNY! I would totally take advantage of this opportunity, but given my family's recent experiences, I think a visit from a priest or aura healer would be more productive. BUT for the rest of you, check out the press release below - Just think... You could be a star!

The casting team of ABC’s popular parenting series SUPERNANNY is launching springtime casting for the new season of the show AND we are casting now for the premiere episode of SUPER-MANNY, featuring child behaviorist Mike Ruggles. Producers of both shows are searching the country for families who are lacking structure in their households; parents who have ordinary and extraordinary circumstances; blended families where both sides are seeking help; and specifically fathers who are overwhelmed with parenting and are ready for the opportunity of a lifetime—a visit from America’s number one nanny, Jo Frost or the world’s first Super-Manny, Mike Ruggles! Interested moms and dads in need of help with their out of control kids should e-mail us at supernanny@shedmediaus.com to apply NOW. The deadline for submissions is Tuesday, May 5th. Please include a recent photo of your family and daytime phone number. You can also call 877/MANNY -TIME (1-877-626-6984) for more information.

Move Over Griswalds, Here Come the Manns

So last Thursday, we decided to take a weekend trip up north to the mountains to enjoy some cooler weather & catch some fish with the kids. Well, what started out as a "quick" getaway unexpectedly turned into a lengthy, disease-ridden odyssey, which I thought would never end. But before I go on to tell you my story of woe, let me offer you one piece of advice ---NEVER, EVER, say, "Things can't possibly get worse". Believe me, I speak from experience --- when you make such a stupid statement, the universe has a funny way of really socking it to ya. Okay, moving on ... I have experienced so much random crap over the past 5 days that I am going to have to use a timeline to explain it all:

Saturday: After arriving at the house & unloading all of our crap, we jumped into the mini-van & headed off to the lake to go fishing. We had just snagged our special fishing spot, when Bob realized that he left the night crawlers back at the house. So we wouldn't lose our spot, Bob decided to drive back to the house alone & retrieve the bait. Well, less than 5 minutes after he left, Bob showed back up at the lake --- empty-handed. In my best "nagging wife" voice, I whined, "You forgot the worms AGAIIIINNN..." Apparently, Bob never made it back to the house because the steering went out on the mini-van. By the grace of God, Bob managed to veer off the road & safely stop the car in the middle of a forest, without hitting a tree. Now picture me calling AAA. When the customer service rep. asked me for our location, I said, "We're in the woods". I mean really --- our nearest major intersection was somewhere between a big ass elk & an evergreen!!! Luckily, the tow truck eventually found us & towed the van to some podunk mechanic shop, which of course, did not operate on weekends. Thank God we invited Bob's parents to join us on the trip because they acted as our chauffeur to & from the mechanic's shop.

Sunday: The Bible does not lie, folks - God does take a break on Sundays! He graciously allowed us one day to recuperate before drowning us with a huge wave of craptabulous luck.

Monday: Angelina awoke with what I deemed to be a scrape on her face & forearm. Bob thought it was something more & took Angelina to the local quack-shack for an official diagnosis. I thought he was crazy & paranoid, UNTIL the doctor concluded that the two "'scrapes" were actually staph infections. Ooops, looks like I missed that one. Go Bob! When I went to pick-up Angelina's prescription at the only major pharmacy in town, the salesclerk yelled back to the pharmacist, "Hey, the mother of that staph kid is here..." Damn, can you imagine having Herpes in this town?!? Okay, now onto the mini-van... According to Mr. Podunk Mechanic, the last guy who worked on our car forgot to put all the parts back. Apparently, we have been a traveling time bomb for the past 3 weeks! Anyway, Mr. Podunk advised us that he would have the missing part overnited from Phoenix. He assured us that the car would be as good as new on Tuesday & that we could return home that afternoon.

Tuesday: Excuse my language, but "Fu$% you, Chrysler" --- The dealership overnited the WRONG part to Mr. Podunk!!! Quick Sidenote: Before getting on the phone with Mr. Podunk, I put Caroline in the bathtub. Well, after hanging up the phone, I returned to the bathroom to check on Caroline. To my surprise, the lower region of Caroline's face was covered in blood. Yes, my darling child decided to shave off her mustache. Unfortunately, in the process, she nicked her upper lip, which proceeded to bleed profusely. Hopefully, her peach fuzz will grow back as peachfuzz ... If not, she will be the only preschooler at El Dorado Private School sporting a 5 o'clock shadow.

Wednesday: Caroline & I awoke to full-blown illness. It was now our turn to visit the town clinic. Keep in mind, by this time, news of the "swine flu" was all over the TV. When we arrived at the clinic there was only one person ahead of us. This person just happened to be Mario Gomez from Mexico, who was suffering from severe congestion, nausea & a mild fever. The only thing this guy wasn't doing was oinking, eating slop from a trough & rolling around in mud. After using the same pen as Mr. Gomez to sign in, I asked the receptionist for some hand sanitizer. Brace yourself --- they didn't have any hand-sanitizer. WTF?!?!? Final result: Caroline & I had a sinus infection and an ear infection. Really? I am 33 years old, I haven't had a freakin' ear infection since 1979!!!

Like any good story, there is a happy ending. The right part for the mini-van finally arrived & we rolled into Scottsdale at 6 o'clock last nite. Today is my birthday & although I am so congested that I can't even taste my birthday cake, I have never been happier ... to be home & alive. AND, I learned a very valuable lesson from this trip: Never Leave Home Without Your XANAX (I had to rely on Benadryl as a cheap substitute)! Below are some photos from the trip... Enjoy!

I'm Not Dead...

I'm just stuck on the vacation from hell... Don't worry, I will be blogging about the latest "Mann Family Adventure" as soon as we return to Scottsdale - If we make it. You have no idea what we have been through!!!!

Drum Roll, Please... And The Winning School Is....

Since I last posted about Alberta's school dilemma, we have done a ton of investigative reporting. Bob played "bad cop", I played "good cop" & together we successfully annoyed countless numbers of administrators & educators in the district. First, we found out why the district thinks that our current school's "Gifted & Talented" program may not be suitable for Alberta. Apparently, Alberta is "Profoundly Gifted". Sounds a tadbit "hoity toity" don't you think? Basically, she is a level above a "gifted student". Second, we visited the other school, which has a "Profoundly Gifted" class. The class has 1st & 2nd graders in it, with the 1st graders learning a 3rd grade curriculum & the 2nd graders learning a 4th grade curriculum. Important SideNote: If Angelina stays at her current school next year, she will still have time to mix & mingle with all the other 1st graders (aka, "her friends"), but at the other school, she will not have an opportunity to meet kids outside of the "profoundly gifted" class. Okay, so when Bob & I stepped into the "profound" classroom, we were shocked by the lack of diversity among the students. Out of 15 kids, there were only 2 girls & everyone was Indian except for one kid. Picture Angelina - talk about sticking out like a sore thumb! More shocking than the students, was the teacher's candor when we spoke to her about the students. She advised us that these kids have meltdowns continually thruout the day because they can't handle getting wrong answers. THEN, she told us that a few of the students are "scary smart" & completely lack social skills. While I definitely appreciated her honesty, it pretty much scared the crap out of me. Before I go any further with this, let me explain something about Angelina. Before we had our little comedian, Caroline, Angelina had no sense of humor. She took everything so seriously. It wasn't until Caroline came along & showed her how to laugh, that Angelina finally began to loosen up a little. Also, when Angelina receives a gift, she doesn't take the toy out of the box for months. Have you ever been on EBAY & seen people selling items from 1975, still new & in their box? Well, Angelina will be a hit on EBAY someday. Anyway, I make a concerted effort every day to encourage Angelina to live a little! Needless to say, I don't find the idea of Angelina sitting in a class, 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, with a bunch of kids crying over their shortcomings very enticing! I'm sorry, 1st grade should NOT involve meltdowns.

Today, we met with the "Gifted & Talented" 1st grade teacher at our school. Our meeting went well, & altho Bob & I are definitely going to need to supplement Angelina's school curriculum with additional work at home, we are pretty confident that she needs to stay at Grayhawk. Quite honestly, this entire process has been quite stressful. Why? Because I know Angelina ... If we make the wrong decision about this, she will blame me!!!!! You know, I have a great Aunt who will turn 103 in May. You know why she has lived this long? Because she never had kids. Take Home Message: Kids Kill!!!!

If It Looks Like A Duck & Walks Like A Duck...

So, yesterday at church, I had an interesting "Jewish" experience. Let me set the scene for you: the 9:15 service is over & everyone is exiting the church & moving outside onto the patio area to mix & mingle & drink coffee... Bob & I are trying to navigate our way thru the crowd, so we can reach the Sunday school building & pick up the girls. Well, somewhere between the coffee table & the cookie table, a very old man points directly at me & exclaims, "Hey there, yeah you, what nationality are you?" I walk closer to the little, old man & explain that I am a mix of Italian & Cherokee Indian. In response, he yells, "No you're not, you're Jewish." Although being called Jewish is not a rare occurrence for me, I will admit that this is the first time I have been called Jewish while attending a church service at my own Lutheran Church. Okay, so I tell the man that I'm not Jewish. To my surprise, he whips out a Star of David necklace from underneath his shirt & says, "Look I'm Jewish and believe me, I know a Jew when I see one . . . you ARE Jewish." Interesting, very interesting. This whole conversation left me with so many unanswered questions. For example, if we are both Jews, then why the hell are we hanging out at a Lutheran church on a Sunday morning? And secondly, this guy seemed to be an experienced Jew-Detector, so have my parents been lying to me all this time? Anyway, on the way home from church, Caroline overheard Bob & I discussing "the incident" & said, "Don't worry Mom, there's nothing wrong with being Jewish, I'm Jewish." Oh, we are all so confused....