My IUD Horror Story

Well, I guess the title pretty much says it all. At some point during the next five years (the lifespan of my IUD), I have got to come up with some other form of birth control. Before I go on, please keep in mind that this post is not for persons with penises - why? Because there is no way that a person with a penis could appreciate the horrendous pain & anguish suffered by my girly parts during my recent IUD replacement. Seriously, my cervix & my uterus may need to seek counseling. That being said, here goes.... As many of you know, I received my 5-year IUD about 6 weeks after giving birth to Caroline. Not to be graphic, but when I went in, the Dr. basically tossed the damn thing in - I mean I had just had a baby, so there was no need to stretch anything - I think you get the picture. The experience was so easy, breezy that I had no fears about going in for my replacement. I had felt absolutely nothing the first time, so why would it be different this time? Oh Dear God, I am so stupid! When I walked into the examination room, I encountered my first clue that things were not going to go smoothly - On the "equipment table" sat a 6 INCH needle & syringe. Talk about panic setting in. When my Dr. came into the room, I said, "Hey, what 's that needle for"? She responded, "Well, you could do without it, but I wouldn't recommend it." FABULOUS. All I can say is "Sorry" to all of those poor women who were waiting to be seen that day - when that needle went in, I screamed. I'm not talking about a dainty yell, I am talking about an extremely loud, "OMG what the hell are you doing down there" scream. To fast forward, the Dr. removed my old IUD & put in the new one & instructed me to sit up. I sat up and then immediately passed out. That's right, folks I fell right over. The next thing I knew, the Dr. was shoving some foul smelling cotton stick up my nose. Before I go on, I must warn you that things only go down hill from this point. Anyway, after I sat up and drank some water, a nurse came in & said that she was instructed to help me get dressed. Talk about picking the wrong day not to wear underwear. Uggghhh. You know, when I got dressed that morning, I thought "Why wear underwear, I'm just going to have to take them off". So, the nurse hands me my bra, she hands me my dress & then she asks, "Ummmm.... where are your underwear"? I had to go into a long, awkward explanation as to why I wasn't wearing underwear. Hadn't I suffered enuf?!?!? Well, the answer to that question is "No." After getting into my car and driving off, I became incredibly sick - that's right I started vomiting in the car. Good thing, I always keep a plastic grocery bag in the front passenger seat. I had to pull over into a nearby hospital parking lot & call Bob to come and get me. Seriously ladies, this entire experience was worse than childbirth! My advice - get your husbands snipped!

Happy Mother's Day!

Because it's Mother's Day, I am going to take a break from posting about my own adventures in parenting & reflect on a few of my Mother's sayings & doings, which I have had the privilege of witnessing first-hand over the years. Happy Mother's Day, Mom!!!

* In search of the perfume Anais Anais for my sister's birthday, my Mother approaches the perfume counter at Dillard's & tells the saleswoman, "My daughter just loves the smell of Anus Anus."

* Again, shopping with my Mother... She finds a shawl that she wants to put on hold. She tells the saleswoman, "I am going to one last store, but I want to put this on hold ... I'll be back in a few minutes." The saleswoman takes the shawl, gets a piece of paper and a pen & asks, "Who am I holding this for"? My Mother responds, "For me, Silly!"

* Sitting down at the dinner table, my Mother poses this poignant question to one of our guests, "Exactly how do you say 'Juan' in Spanish?"

* When asked her opinion of the theory that the world will end in 2012, my Mother responds, "I'm good with the world ending in 2012, as long as it doesn't involve me walking long distances."

* In response to my comment that Angelina didn't like the puppet show that performed for her class at school, my Mother says, "Oh, was it one of those sex puppet shows? Ugghh". WTF?!?!?!

Is my Mother hilarious or what? She is going to kill me... He He he He He he he.....