Beware Small Animal Owners! This child may look nice & sweet, but in reality, she is a “Tail Yanker”! As some of you know, we bought the girls two pet gerbils, Blondie & Blackie, because two cats & three fish just weren’t enuf. Are you aware that if you pull on a gerbil’s tail, it will fall off, just like a lizard's tail? We were not aware of this fact until Angelina ran out of the playroom holding Blackie’s tail WITHOUT Blackie!!!! It was so disgusting, there was blood, there were tears… AND there were lies. Angelina told us that Blondie had bitten off Blackie’s tail. Uh huh, sure. We called over 5 vet offices until we finally found one that took small animals. Of course, I had to drive almost 30 minutes to get there. To make a long story short, we had to pay $150 to have a $10 gerbil’s remaining tail bone amputated. THEN we had to give the damn thing painkillers & antibiotics for 2 weeks!!!! Angelina finally confessed to the crime. Apparently, the gerbil was running away, so she grabbed Blackie by her tail & VOILA!, the tail came off! I think the take-home message here is "Don't buy your children an animal that you can't flush"!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Lesson Learned
Beware Small Animal Owners! This child may look nice & sweet, but in reality, she is a “Tail Yanker”! As some of you know, we bought the girls two pet gerbils, Blondie & Blackie, because two cats & three fish just weren’t enuf. Are you aware that if you pull on a gerbil’s tail, it will fall off, just like a lizard's tail? We were not aware of this fact until Angelina ran out of the playroom holding Blackie’s tail WITHOUT Blackie!!!! It was so disgusting, there was blood, there were tears… AND there were lies. Angelina told us that Blondie had bitten off Blackie’s tail. Uh huh, sure. We called over 5 vet offices until we finally found one that took small animals. Of course, I had to drive almost 30 minutes to get there. To make a long story short, we had to pay $150 to have a $10 gerbil’s remaining tail bone amputated. THEN we had to give the damn thing painkillers & antibiotics for 2 weeks!!!! Angelina finally confessed to the crime. Apparently, the gerbil was running away, so she grabbed Blackie by her tail & VOILA!, the tail came off! I think the take-home message here is "Don't buy your children an animal that you can't flush"!
We're Baaacccckkk!
We just got back from Pinetop, Arizona. We had to get the hell out of Hell (the highs in Scottsdale have been 110)! So, we decided to go up North & let the Princess & Baby Chippie roam free through the woods with other little animals. I love the cooler weather, Bob loves to fish, Angelina loves to go on walks & Baby Chippie LOVES to pee in the woods. After peeing, she always does a dance & sings this catchy little diddy, "I peed in the woods, OH YEAH, I peed in the woods, OH YEAH"! Oh, the simple pleasures in life....
Monday, July 28, 2008
Hello Heaven!
So, a couple of weeks ago we went to Iowa for Bob's parents' 50th wedding anniversary. On our last day there, Bob thought it would be a good idea to go visit his grandmother. Keep in mind that this particular grandmother has been living at a Missouri cemetery since the 1960s. I'm all for family togetherness, so we went. We are there for all of 5 minutes when in the distance I hear Angelina ask Bob if everyone dies. SIDENOTE: Bob & I differ in our parenting styles. When the kids want to go to McDonald's for lunch & Bob doesn't want to, he tells them "No" & just copes with the incestant complaining & whining about how he is soooo mean. I, on the otherhand, LIE. A couple of weeks ago, I actually told the girls that a tornadao had struck McDonald's and it was closed for the day. Bob finds my behavior appalling- I find it effective. Okay, back to the cemetary- Bob tells Angelina that everyone dies eventually. I highly question the whole idea of "honesty is the best policy"... Angelina started moaning & groaning about Bob & I dying (she seemed to think it would be within the next few hours). So, I told her that people don't actually die, they go on to live in Heaven. Then I told her that Heaven has everything you could ever want. Angelina asked me if she could have Bratz dolls in Heaven (I don't allow Bratz dolls in the house- I find baby dolls wearing heavy eyeliner & thong panties really creepy). I told her "Yes". Big mistake on my part... Angelina got really excited about dying. Then, she began to spread the good news about how much "fun" dying is. 2 weeks have now passed & Angelina is still talking about all the fun things that death brings!!!! Luckily, Caroline never asked about people dying, but she was surprised to see that Batman, who she watches every night on Boomerang, was actually Dead!
Monday, July 21, 2008
Going to the Dr.
UPDATE: Went to the Dr. & the lumpy bumpy appears to be a cyst... I go in for an ultrasound & a mammogram next week to make sure. AND a very special "thank you" to my neighbors, Kim & Cathy, for liquoring me up the night before my appointment!
So, I found a lump in my left breast (I hate the word "breast", it makes me think of KFC- I am definitely a "Boob" woman)... I discovered it at my Mom's house this past Friday. I made my Mom feel it- Well, she felt it & then gave a me $20 bill & told me to go to the grocery store & buy her some bourbon. My Mother isn't exactly an expert in crisis management. Anyways, I am going to the Dr. on Tuesday to have it checked out. I am 100% minus .1% that everything is fine. I went thru this whole thing 2 weeks after I had Baby Chippie. I remember it like it was yesterday- cue the music. Everyone thought I had cancer. I was consumed with the fear that if I died, Bob would put black patent leather shoes on the girls at Easter time, instead of the proper white ones. Seriously, I made my Mom promise to put white shoes on the girls. Life seemed so precious- When Caroline woke up every 2 hours to be breastfed, I didn't drag my sleepy ass out of bed... No, I gingerly popped up & fed her because my time on Earth was limited. When Angelina screamed & cried because we hadn't left Caroline at the hospital, I didn't lose my cool, not once. AND at no time did I concern myself with the fact I weighed 200lbs.
After my biopsy, when we got the call that everything was fine, I started to cry. I was rocking Caroline in her nursery, with Bob & my Mom looking on. Bob said he thought it was touching that I was so happy, I was crying. I choked back my tears & told him that I was crying because I was going to live!!!!! For the first time, I realized that Caroline wasn't a good sleeper & that Angelina was really pissed off at me for ruining her life with a sibling. AND, for the first time, I realized that I would have to once again lose 85 freakin' pounds. ; )
So, I found a lump in my left breast (I hate the word "breast", it makes me think of KFC- I am definitely a "Boob" woman)... I discovered it at my Mom's house this past Friday. I made my Mom feel it- Well, she felt it & then gave a me $20 bill & told me to go to the grocery store & buy her some bourbon. My Mother isn't exactly an expert in crisis management. Anyways, I am going to the Dr. on Tuesday to have it checked out. I am 100% minus .1% that everything is fine. I went thru this whole thing 2 weeks after I had Baby Chippie. I remember it like it was yesterday- cue the music. Everyone thought I had cancer. I was consumed with the fear that if I died, Bob would put black patent leather shoes on the girls at Easter time, instead of the proper white ones. Seriously, I made my Mom promise to put white shoes on the girls. Life seemed so precious- When Caroline woke up every 2 hours to be breastfed, I didn't drag my sleepy ass out of bed... No, I gingerly popped up & fed her because my time on Earth was limited. When Angelina screamed & cried because we hadn't left Caroline at the hospital, I didn't lose my cool, not once. AND at no time did I concern myself with the fact I weighed 200lbs.
After my biopsy, when we got the call that everything was fine, I started to cry. I was rocking Caroline in her nursery, with Bob & my Mom looking on. Bob said he thought it was touching that I was so happy, I was crying. I choked back my tears & told him that I was crying because I was going to live!!!!! For the first time, I realized that Caroline wasn't a good sleeper & that Angelina was really pissed off at me for ruining her life with a sibling. AND, for the first time, I realized that I would have to once again lose 85 freakin' pounds. ; )
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Caroline, the Schmoozer
What can I say about my clone, Caroline? Well, she has BIG beautiful brown eyes, a chubby little booty, ... AND well, she is a schmoozer. Caroline will be that woman who climbs the corporate ladder with her very BROWN nose shining in the sun. This child will tell the woman behind us in the grocery store line that she "loves her necklace" or that the woman "looks great in the color red".
And Then There Were Four!
We had gotten married, had a baby, quit our jobs at the "Big Firm" & moved into a new house... Hmmm... Sit back and relax? Who needs to relax when you can have ANOTHER baby, right? Clearly, Bob & I were drinking! No, seriously, we planned this chaos : ) So, on March 1, 2005, we gave Angelina what every dictator needs, a subject! Poor Baby Caroline... Oh, and by the way, I gained 85lbs. AGAIN!
We were going to call her "Angel"... Somehow, it didn't fit!
So, when we named Angelina after my Great Grandmother, we had visions of calling our little girl, "Angel". Okay, if you know this child personally, you are laughing right now. Angelina is a beautiful child, with the personality of a dictator. Oh & by the way, to all of you people out there who say, "Oh, your daughter is stunning... You two look nothing alike"- STOP IT! I get it.
February 13, 2003
I know, you're thinking "What baby, who is that lady with the gigantic face"? You should be thinking "Poor Bob"... 11 months earlier, he married a 115 pound woman. Who the hell knew I would gain 85 pounds? Who knew that for the 3 months after giving birth, my nursing bra would be a size "F/G"?
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