So Far, So Good....

As many of you know, my feelings regarding summer vacation were a mix of joy & fear. Keep in mind that summer in Scottsdale is like winter in the Midwest. Unless you're swimming, you are pretty much stuck in the house with the kids due to the unbearable heat until September. But I must admit, the girls & I have had a fabulous time so far. I mean we can't rule out the possibility that I will be committed to a mental health facility by early July, but Angelina & Caroline are finally at great ages - they don't run from me in stores, they behave like civilized human beings at the movies, etc... AND they're not embarrassed to be seen with me - yet - so I don't have to drag them places. Altho the ride has been shockingly smooth thus far, there have been some interesting encounters along the way:

Thursday: Bright & early at 7:30 am, Caroline received an e-mail from her boyfriend, Tanner. The e-mail read as follows:

Caroline,
I love you very much because uhhh I love you

and you are so gorgeous and gentle. I miss you.
Love, Tanner

Okay, Caroline is 4 years old. I didn't receive an e-mail like that until I was 24. WTF?!?! Oh well, I guess when you got "it", you got "it". And "gentle"? She attacks Angelina like a WWF wrestler on a daily basis! Anyway, Caroline was pretty much speechless when Angelina read the e-mail to her. She is attending Tanner's 4th birthday party on Saturday - the whole birthday party thing is probably just a ruse to lure Caroline to Tanner's house for surf & turf by candle lite.

Friday: Let me start by saying that I have NEVER bought my children "play" make-up. Seriously, I don't know any sane person with carpet and/or furniture who would buy red lipstick & blue eyeshadow for their 4 & 6 year olds. Wait a minute - I do know someone that would do something so outrageous - MY MOTHER!!!! Until this past Friday, I had successfully managed to hide the "Tuey Make-Up Supply" from the girls. But with nowhere to be & time on their hands, Angelina & Caroline snooped their way into my secret hiding place. Below is a photo of their make-up artistry. Pretty classy stuff, huh? After painting their faces, they dressed up in costumes. When I asked if I could play, Caroline responded that she was the princess, & Angelina was the Queen - then she graciously offered me the role of "NutJob". As enticing as being a "NutJob" sounds, I turned down the role & cleaned the bathrooms instead.

Saturday: Okay, I have not had a girls nite out on the town in almost 3 years. So when a good friend invited me to join her & some girlfriends for drinks at a new Scottsdale nightclub, I jumped at the chance to go. With nothing to wear, I took a trip to the mall in search of an outfit - with the kiddos in tow. After locating a dress to try on, the girls & I entered dressing room area & claimed the only vacant room. So, I put on the dress & asked "How does Mommy look"? I think you know where this is going. Caroline made the following comment: "Oooohh, Mommy, that dress makes your boobies look fat... You are one hot, red-blooded Mama"! While this comment left me speechless & bug-eyed, it successfully engendered loud laughter from the other ladies in the dressing room. Needless to say, after receiving such a rave review from Caroline, I bought the dress. Now, onto my actual nite out. First let me start by saying that only one thing has changed about the club/bar scene - ME - I am old. AND responsible - I left twice to call home & check on everyone. Oh, and during one of my many trips to the bathroom (after having two kids, my bladder isn't what it used to be), I actually ran into the neighborhood "porn star" & this time she formally introduced herself with a handshake. Given the rumors around here, it was like shaking hands with Big Foot. I have mentioned her on my blog before, but just to recap, we have a real live, walking/talking porn star living in our little Grayhawk community. Anyway, the wine was good & I really enjoyed spending time with some fabulous friends. BUT, I didn't get home until 1am & I am almost always asleep by 10. AND, of course, Caroline was up at 6:45! It has taken me 3 days to recover from the fatigue. From now on, I think I will stick to drinking wine at home with the family between the hours of 5 & 9... Oh, who am I kidding - between the hours of 3 & 9.

Pomp & Circumstance

Attention Everyone: Angelina is officially a 1st Grader! Yesterday morning at 8:55 a.m., I dropped my Kindergartner off at school & at 12:15, I picked up a 1st Grader. I must say that the school year went by really fast. So fast that Angelina isn't ready for it to be over. In fact, when I told her she didn't have school again until August, she stuck out her bottom lip, folded her arms and huffed & puffed "That's so unfair". Oh to be young again! Below is a photo of our little graduate ... Yeah, I have no idea why these two are dressed like this ...

Oops!

Before I convey to you today's sad, sad story, I must provide you with one key piece of information. When I awoke this morning, I threw on a one-piece, strapless dress - you know, the kind you can just pull up & on ... Okay, proceed - with caution!

I am ashamed to report that today, Angelina's imperfect mother tarnished her perfect attendance record. The poor child, who prides herself on being perfect 100% of the time, who has exactly 1/2 a day of school left, was ... okay, brace yourself ... TARDY!!! To be exact, she was 1 minute late for school. Not a big deal in my book, but like an entire chapter in Angelina's book. Not to pass the buck, but we left for school at the same time we do everyday - we just couldn't find any parking for some unknown reason. Now, onto the real tragedy. When I eventually found a parking space, I knew we were running late... my pulse was racing... All I could think about was the look on poor, little Angelina's face when she had to ask the front office for a late slip. I jumped out of the car, grabbed Angelina's backpack, lunch box & purse - There I stood in the school parking lot, surrounded by mothers & children making their way into school... There I stood, griping at the girls to hurry up & get out of the car... In fact, I was so busy hurrying everyone up that I didn't realize I was standing in the school parking lot with my dress, down around my waist. Don't worry - I had a bra on! I must say, I found it very touching the way neither Angelina nor Caroline alerted me to the fact that my dress had fallen down. So many questions come to mind as I recall this incident. First & foremost - how is it that I didn't notice that I no longer had a top on?!?! I mean really, has it come to that point? Anyway, because I was holding so much stuff, I couldn't free my hands up to pull my dress back up. I had to get back into the car, put down all of Angelina's stuff & then pull up my top. Needless to say, Starbucks didn't exactly have the beverage that I needed this morning at 9am... Good nite!

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

This past week was a hectic one! Bob's workload was out-of-control, and as a result, I was forced to play lawyer. Between actually helping Bob and complaining about having to help Bob, I didn't get a chance to post. Needless to say, I am very happy that this weekend is a long one. I am also very happy that Angelina is out for summer vacation on Wednesday - rushing around in the mornings AND trying to keep Caroline entertained (her school ended last week) is getting to be a tadbit old. So in preparation (and out of fear) for the next two months, Bob & I spent the day installing a mini-fridge & a computer in the girls' playroom. I should probably be concerned that Angelina & Caroline have been in the playroom, playing on the internet for the past two hours - with the door locked - but I am enjoying the peace & quiet way too much. They actually took it upon themselves to stock the mini-fridge with applesauce, juice-boxes & popsicles. Bob said it's the dorm room he always wanted. OKAY, I just now got off the phone with my Mother, who explained why Angelina stocked her mini-fridge with applesauce. Apparently, Angelina advised my Mother that she is "cutting down" on her daily dose of pasta & replacing it with applesauce because she is constipated. Who knew!

Anyway, before I go, I would like to share with you a quote from the constipated Princess. Last nite, Angelina requested that Bob tell her a bedtime story. Bob, being a man, spared Angelina the "Once upon a time" princess story... Instead, he shared a hunting story from his youth. After the story was over, Angelina advised Bob as follows: "You know, Daddy, you should always hunt a nocturnal animal during the day because it is much easier to shoot an animal when it is sleeping." Mental Note: Do not get on Angelina's bad side. And speaking of getting on someone's bad side, Baby Chippie will eventually kill me for posting this photo. BUT, I had to do it. There is only one time in a woman's life when a chubby booty with little dimples is the most adorable thing in the world!

 

It's Officially Summer

I know, it's not technically "summer", but when you live in Scottsdale & the weatherman tells you the 100s are here to stay & your overnite low is 90, it is definitely summer! Oddly enuf, I don't have anything crazy to report - I am just as shocked as you are. But don't worry, Caroline's school ended last week & Angelina's school is out next week ... Me at home with the girls for the next 10 weeks cannot possibly yield boring results. Just typing that sentence instills fear in me! Well, since nothing exciting is going on, I decided to post some weekend photos of the girls flying thru the air & into the pool. Yes, I realize that Caroline is naked, but you're only little once!

Thank you, Grandma!

To the right is a photo of Baby Chippie dressed as a Fuzzy Bear. This is the costume she will be wearing for her "tap" routine in the June recital. She is very excited - mainly because the Princess will NOT be dancing in the recital (the studio ultimately decided not to do a recital dance for Angelina's ballet class b/c of the February ballet production). Nothing fills Caroline's heart with joy like really sticking it to Angelina. Aaaahhh, the joy of having two girls, two years apart. I shudder to think of my life in 8 years, when one is prancing around in skinny jeans & the other is sporting full hips... When one is shopping for C-Cup bras & the other is applying "Miracle Grow" boob cream & praying for divine intervention. It's not a pretty forecast, not pretty at all.

 

On an entirely different note, I would like to share with you a very touching Mother's Day story about my Grandma. Apparently every year, she invites her dear children over for a Mother's Day lunch. Who cooks the lunch every year? You guessed it - Grandma. Anyway, this past Sunday, when lunch rolled around, my Grandma found herself sitting all alone with a roast. Like any good woman from my family, she proceeded to grab a bottle & drink away her irritation. By the time one of her tardy children called to wish her a "Happy Mother's Day", Grandma was feeling pretty good. AND, when her adult child advised her that everyone thought they were coming for dinner, my dear Grandma responded as follows: "Well, if you Fuc#$ers had any class, you would have called ahead of time & asked if you could bring anything... THEN you would have known what time to come!" Thank you, Grandma, I couldn't have said it better myself!

Happy Mother's Day!

Yes, it is that time of year when all of us women who have birthed children and, as a consequence, have said "Adios" to our once perky boobies & butts, receive thoughtful gifts that only a mother could love. To commemorate the occasion, I have compiled a list of things that have, over the years, made me realize that I am a Mom:

(1) I had shingles at the age of 28 ... Having 2 kids under the age of 3 will do that

(2) I voluntarily drive a mini-van

(3) I am a lawyer by way of hard work & a dairy manufacturer by sheer miracle

(4) I never ever bathe or pee by myself

(5) I touch poop & vomit without gagging

(6) I have seen the Wiggles LIVE twice

(7) I celebrate Jewish holidays, eventho I am not Jewish

(8) I drink large quantities of cheap wine

(9) I have gained 85lbs. in 9 months TWICE!

(10) When I travel, I always bring a set of grandparents along... It's like packing an extra pair of undies

And as any mother will tell you, being a mother is an exhausting, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, gig that comes with absolutely NO pay or holidays. Perfect Example: My Mother started her career as a stay-at-home mom in July 1965 (Notice there is no end date... that's because I am still following her around). AND according to the Social Security Administration, my Mother's lifetime earnings total $6.75. Go ahead, laugh ... It's okay.

Anyone Out There In Need of a SUPERnanny?

You might recall from my earlier posts that I have been in contact with a reality show casting producer from LA. Well guess what.... She is currently casting for ABC's SUPERNANNY! I would totally take advantage of this opportunity, but given my family's recent experiences, I think a visit from a priest or aura healer would be more productive. BUT for the rest of you, check out the press release below - Just think... You could be a star!

The casting team of ABC’s popular parenting series SUPERNANNY is launching springtime casting for the new season of the show AND we are casting now for the premiere episode of SUPER-MANNY, featuring child behaviorist Mike Ruggles. Producers of both shows are searching the country for families who are lacking structure in their households; parents who have ordinary and extraordinary circumstances; blended families where both sides are seeking help; and specifically fathers who are overwhelmed with parenting and are ready for the opportunity of a lifetime—a visit from America’s number one nanny, Jo Frost or the world’s first Super-Manny, Mike Ruggles! Interested moms and dads in need of help with their out of control kids should e-mail us at supernanny@shedmediaus.com to apply NOW. The deadline for submissions is Tuesday, May 5th. Please include a recent photo of your family and daytime phone number. You can also call 877/MANNY -TIME (1-877-626-6984) for more information.