My Funny Valentine

For the past two weeks I have slowly been crafting my "Comeback" blog post, however, given today's events, I have decided to postpone that entry in favor of this one. After reading this little gem, I am sure you will understand why I have had neither the time nor the energy to keep this blog current. Here goes...

Like all parents with children on Valentine's Day, I spent my morning making sure that Angelina & Caroline each had their bags of valentines packed & ready for their class parties. And because Angelina's birthday happened to fall on Sunday, I also had to go by Krispy Kreme to make sure my order for 25 heart shaped donuts would be ready by 1 p.m., so Angelina could celebrate her birthday with her class. THEN, because Caroline chose Monday as the day for me to bring her lunch this week, I also had to swing by Subway & grab her a sandwich. And it was during the sandwich drop-off at noon that my Valentine's Day went all crazy.

First of all, I have come to learn that good news is rarely revealed when a teacher pulls me aside and asks,"Did you get the e-mail I sent you this morning about Caroline?". The response I always want to give is, "Who's Caroline? Never heard of her." Anyway, I hadn't seen the teacher's e-mail b/c I had been so busy running around town. If I had had the time to sip my coffee and read my e-mails I would have discovered that at some point Caroline went into our home office, used Bob's office chair to climb onto the credenza, reached into my special hiding spot, and grabbed a $100.00 bill - which she then took to school this morning & gave to a little boy named Tyler as a Valentine's Day present. Apparently, the BIG V-Day present was quite the topic of gossip amongst the kindergartners at Grayhawk Elementary. Caroline's teacher explained to the me that when the first tattle tale advised her that Caroline had given Tyler $100.00, she just assumed it was Monopoly money. BUT after hearing the "rumor" from multiple kids, she decided to investigate further. After searching Tyler's backpack, she found the $100.00 bill. I tried to explain that Caroline must have taken the bill from the box of $100 bills that I keep in the home office. The more I tried to explain my secret "cash stash," the more I started to feel like she thought I might be a drug dealer. The whole thing was just soooo "Caroline", and as always, AWKWARD. Check out her mugshot below - this is the look she gave me when I confronted her about her sticky fingers. That kid is lucky that she is cute. She's even luckier that her parents are lawyers! 

The Goddess of Love & Beauty

If you're on FaceBook, then you have probably already seen this photo. Yes, this is a photo of my 2nd grader, aka Aphrodite, modeling her outfit for the 2nd grade Greek Olympics. Let me ask you, did you look like this when you were in the 2nd grade? I did not ... AND I didn't look this way when I was 21 either. BTW, this little beauty also has a BIG BRAIN! We just received her reading level assessment from school - Aphrodite is 7 years old, but her reading level is that of a student exiting the 6th grade & entering the 7th grade. Go ahead, roll your eyes & complain to whoever is sitting near you that I am an obnoxious mother who shamelessly brags about her children... Go ahead & do it, because I would! Now, I must go write the next post about Caroline's most recent antic! Stay tuned...

Why I Love My Mother

So, we bought a new outdoor grill yesterday. Bob used it for the first time last nite, but he is still getting used to cooking on it. Tonite, as I was talking to my Mother on the phone, Bob came in from grilling our ribeyes & said, "Damn, I just burned the hair off my knuckles." I told my Mother that I needed to go because Bob had just burned the hair off his "knuckles". That's when my Mother said, "Oh no, that's terrible... Bob burned the hair off his nuts". Betty White has NOTHING on my Mom!

Stupid Tooth Fairy!

For the past 2 years, poor little Caroline has had to sit on the sidelines & watch Angelina's teeth fall out one by one. For the past 2 years, she has had to listen to Angelina ponder what the Tooth Fairy would bring next time. Well finally, Caroline lost her first tooth! And it was when Caroline's dream came true, that my nightmare began... Here's the story:

As the Mann girls slept soundly in their beds, the Tooth Fairy tiptoed into their room and carefully placed a KitKat under Caroline's pillow. About 1:15 am, the Tooth Fairy woke up and began to worry that Caroline was expecting money, not candy. Poor, poor Tooth Fairy - there was so much pressure to get things PERFECT. In an abundance of caution, the Tooth Fairy jumped out of bed & proceeded to ransack the house in search of cash. Because the Tooth Fairy only uses her debit card, she could not locate any cash. THEN, the Tooth Fairy remembered seeing a $1 bill stashed in the girls' kitchen in the playroom. So in the dead of nite, the Tooth Fairy crept into the playroom, grabbed the $1 bill & placed it underneath Caroline's pillow. Feeling a little guilty about stealing from children, the Tooth Fairy vowed to replace the $1 bill the very next morning, after the girls left for school. Feeling confident that nothing could go wrong, the Tooth Fairy went back to sleep. About 5 hours later, when Caroline woke-up, she rushed into her parents' bedroom & exclaimed, "The Tooth Fairy brought me candy AND money!"

Sounds like a fairy tale, doesn't it? Sounds like that Tooth Fairy executed a pretty fool-proof plan, right? Just wait....

For a split-second, as I stood in the kitchen making Caroline's breakfast, watching her scarf down the KitKat, all was right with the world. THEN, Caroline put down the KitKat and began to examine the $1 bill. THEN, Caroline turned to me & said, "Well, this is interesting, the Tooth Fairy stole the $1 bill from my kitchen and stuck it under my pillow." WHAT THE FU$#, is right!!! Stunned by the accusation, I started laughing & said, "Caroline, that's terrible, the Tooth Fairy doesn't steal money from children." That's when Caroline upped the ante & suggested we take a trip to the playroom. I swear that walk down the hall was the longest walk of my life. Like something out of a bad Perry Mason movie, Caroline walked over to her kitchen, opened the oven door & said, "See ... the $1 bill is gone". Thinking quick (and like a lying sack of shit) I confessed that I had taken her $1 bill the day before b/c I was out of money & needed it to buy my coffee. That's when Caroline dropped the mother of all bombs on me. Caroline actually said, "Well, that's strange b/c I mark all of my money with an "X""... THEN she flipped the $1 bill over & pointed to a tiny purple "X" next to George Washington's head!!!!

Completely out of rational excuses, I advised Caroline that the $1 bill that I took from her kitchen for my coffee also had a purple "X" on it, right next to George's head. THEN I told her that a lot of people mark their money (you know, like people named Vinnie, who take illegal gambling bets on horse races). And BTW, people, 7 AM is waaaayyy too early to be dealing with crap like this! Just when I thought I had successfully closed the book on this one, Caroline began crying b/c I had given her $1 bill to Dunkin Donuts (I switched from Starbucks). Damn - just when I thought the hole couldn't get any deeper!!! After listening to Caroline wail about her lost money for what seemed like hours- I told another lie. I promised Caroline that Dunkin Donuts kept their money in a big bag until the weekend & that if I asked, the manager would go thru the bag & find her dollar. Then I snuck into the marker box, grabbed a purple marker, told Bob to get the girls ready for school, hopped in the car, drove to Dunkin Donuts, got my coffee, obtained a $1 bill, pulled over in the parking lot to draw an "X" next to George's head, drove back home, gave the $1 bill to Caroline, which "the manager of Dunkin Donuts was so kind to retrieve from his big ole bag of money".... AND FINALLY, dropped a very happy 5-year old off at school.

Everyone Loves A Cookie

If I had a story to tell about Angelina, then you know I have a story about Caroline... Here goes... On August 16, 2010, I sent my 5-year old off to kindergarten as "Caroline Mann" - because that is her name . Well, a few days later, as I was walking Caroline into the kindergarten playground, I heard two little girls standing on top of the jungle gym yell, "Good morning, Cookie". I didn't pay any attention to them because I don't know anyone named "Cookie". I did pay attention, however, when Caroline yelled back, "Good morning." Before I could ask Caroline why those girls were calling her "Cookie", some kid walked by & said, "Hey Cookie, after you put your backpack down, wanna play". Despite my best interrogation tactics, "That's just what the kids call me now," was the only explanation I could get out of Cookie.

So the following week at school, as I am standing on the sidewalk watching Caroline play, I overhear some woman tell her daughter, "It's okay, honey, don't be shy... If you want to play with Cookie, just go over to her... Cookie seems very nice." After her daughter skipped off to play with Caroline, I approached the woman, pointed at Caroline & asked, "Did I just hear you call her "Cookie"?" In response, the woman said, "Yes, I did ... Isn't that a cute name?" I told her that I thought it was cute, but a little strange. THEN the woman got real close to me, looked around to make sure no one could hear & whispered, "I think Cookie is her real name." HOLD UP - that's when it hit me- this woman had absolutely no idea that she was talking to Cookie's Mom. This is also when I realized that there are people who actually think I named my child "Cookie". Feeling a little shocked to be on the receiving end of gossip about my own child, I pulled back from the woman, and said, "What? No - that is NOT her real name"! Then I got the, "Do you know her parents"? Yes, I do know Cookie's parents - I also happen to know that Cookie's Mom picked the wrong time to stop drinking.

The Power Of A Beautiful Girl Should NEVER Be Underestimated!

As you can imagine, my children's return to elementary school has provided me with some entertaining blog material. For the past 4 years, when the girls have come home from school, I have always asked the same question, "Did anything interesting happen at school today"? AND without fail, the answer has always been, "Moooommm, nothing happened, stop asking." Well finally, last Friday, I actually got a REAL answer to my question - from Angelina. And brace yourself, the story involved the opposite sex. As many of you know, Caroline is perpetually involved in boyfriend/girlfriend drama, but to hear Angelina mention a BOY was quite the shock. I was in even more shock when Angelina confessed that the little boy who sits next to her in class promised to buy her a Barbie Jeep and "not the jeep for my Barbie dolls, you know the big, battery powered jeep that Caroline & I can ride in when we go to the park." Following that statement came a lot of giggling, twinkling of the eyes, and "Mommy, I think he likes me... like THAT." Oh Dear God, reallly .... A Jeep?!?! In all my 34 years, no man has ever offered to buy me a car!!! Well, I take that back, Bob did buy me a Mini-Van, but I don't think that counts. Anyway, I wasn't exactly worried UNTIL Angelina came home with this kid's phone number the second week of school. Angelina had promised to call him at 4 o'clock sharp & after much begging & pleading, I gave Angelina the phone. To her great disappointment, no one answered & she had to leave a message. The following day when I saw the little boy, I asked, "Why did you want Angelina to call you?" Without one ounce of hesitation, he responded, "I need to get her address... So I can let Toys R Us know where to deliver the Barbie Jeep." Talk about nervous laughter. When I ran into this child's parents moments later, they asked me if I knew about the Barbie Jeep. They went onto explain that their son had come to them and asked for $350.00. THEN they told me how over the summer, he had called Cox Communications and successfully ordered, AND had installed, Internet service to his bedroom. Needless to say, I am expecting a Barbie Jeep to be delivered to our home any day now! Below is a photo of my beautiful Angelina on the 1st day of school ... You can't blame the poor kid... I mean, who could resist those beautiful green eyes with blue sparkles?

Introducing (Drum Roll, Please).... TASHA!

Because I can't write about my HOO-HA every time, I decided to write about something completely NON-HOO-HA related ... Sooooo, if you've been reading my blog, then you know all about my two daughters, Angelina & Caroline - darling little girls, who bring loads of sunshine to my life. And now, after much consideration & inner reflection, I have decided to finally introduce my third daughter, Tasha, to the world. If you look above, you will see a photo of Tasha. And yes, you are staring at a photo of a little girl who appears to be Caroline looking, well, evil. FYI - When Caroline does bad things, loses her temper, announces that she wants to be adopted by a better family, she turns into someone she refers to as "Tasha". And altho Angelina is hugging Tasha in this particular photo, Angelina usually FEARS her. I have personally witnessed the horrific actions of Tasha, and believe me, Angelina has every reason to be scared. Seriously, I have already started writing a script for a LifeTime movie based on the evil-doings of Tasha.

So this past week, a great friend & fellow lawyer posted a New York Times article, which discussed whether women can really have "it all". As an attorney who runs her own law firm, AND who is in the process of raising two little girls (three, if you count Tasha), I am here to tell you that women CANNOT have it all. Sorry to all of the optimistic women out there, but it's the truth ... AND, here's why. Picture it, a typical weekday morning...

Bob was at a deposition and I was working in the home office when opposing counsel called. Now before I go on, let me tell you about the chaos that had already ensued prior to the phone call. Angelina wanted popcorn for breakfast, I obliged. I threw the bag in the microwave & tossed the finished product into a bowl - VOILA! Breakfast! The whole thing seemed easy enuf, but before I knew it, I heard screaming from the family room. When I came around the corner, Angelina was throwing her popcorn in the trashcan. Of course, I asked why she was throwing away her breakfast. This is the explanation I got: "Tasha took off her panties & put her butt on top of my bowl of popcorn... Now, my popcorn is covered in Tasha's butt germs." Fabulous! I challenge anyone working at a Big Firm to top this story!!! HA, it can't be done!

Anwyay, moving on.... After making another bag of popcorn & banishing the girls to the playroom, the office phone rang. Before answering, I yelled down the hall, "Girls, Mommy is answering the office phone, BE QUIET!" I answered the phone, only to be confronted by gripey opposing counsel. My thoughts of "Not this guy", quickly turned to "Oh SHIT" - as Tasha came marching down the hall playing her freakin' cymbals! I put my hand over the mouthpiece of the phone & snapped "STOP", but Tasha could not hear me over the bashing of the cymbals. As a last resort, I began throwing legal pads into the hallway, all in a an effort to get her attention. Again, no success. Finally, I walked out of the office, and with my hand still over the mouthpiece, I jumped in front of Tasha & mouthed a very angry "STOP IT". Unfortunately, in the process of doing so, the phone cord knocked over my coffee on the office desk & it spilled all over some pleadings. Three hours later when Bob arrived home & asked why his pleadings were covered in dried coffee, I told him not to ask. UGGGHHH!

The Magic Wand!

Aaaahhh, the good old magic wand... You're thinking of princesses, fairies, magicians, aren't you? Well think again, my friend. Sorry, but I am taking this post down below... Now, back to my IUD.

In case you didn't know, six weeks after you get your IUD, you have to come back for an ultrasound, to make sure that everything is in place. Oddly enuf, no one asked me to come back for an ultrasound after my 1st IUD - I guess Bob & I have been living dangerously for the past 5 years. Anyway, it just so happened that my ultrasound appointment fell on the day after Caroline got out for summer vacation. I figured that the ultrasound was going to be the standard, external "let's check on the fetus development" ultrasound, so I brought Caroline with me to the appointment. So, they call my name & I go back & get situated in the very dark ultrasound room. The technician enters the room & says, "Ok, all I need you to do is take your underwear off & put your feet in the stirrups." If I could have screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO", I would have. WTF?!?! That's right, I was completely blindsided by a vaginal ultrasound. Before I could say anything, Caroline informed the ultrasound technician that I was not wearing any underwear - Yes, Strike #2! Although in my defense, this time I was wearing my swimsuit, so there was something covering my Hoo-Ha. Going on.... So I took off my bikini bottoms & positioned myself in "the chair". That's when the technician, held up her instrument & said "Okay, all I am going to do is insert the MAGIC WAND & check to make sure your IUD is in place." Thank you, thank you, technician lady, for calling your vaginal probing device a "Magic Wand." Seriously? WTF, is wrong with you? Caroline put her face right next to mine & whispered in my ear, "Oh Mommy, she is going to put a magic wand in your TeeTee, can I watch?" Luckily, I was able to fight back my visions of CPS calling for an investigation, just long enuf to tell Caroline, "NO."

You know, I have spent the past 7 years of my life trying to be the best mother that I can be... AND then, out of nowhere, come these bizarre situations that I have absolutely no control over. And no, I don't have any photos to share along with this post!

My IUD Horror Story

Well, I guess the title pretty much says it all. At some point during the next five years (the lifespan of my IUD), I have got to come up with some other form of birth control. Before I go on, please keep in mind that this post is not for persons with penises - why? Because there is no way that a person with a penis could appreciate the horrendous pain & anguish suffered by my girly parts during my recent IUD replacement. Seriously, my cervix & my uterus may need to seek counseling. That being said, here goes.... As many of you know, I received my 5-year IUD about 6 weeks after giving birth to Caroline. Not to be graphic, but when I went in, the Dr. basically tossed the damn thing in - I mean I had just had a baby, so there was no need to stretch anything - I think you get the picture. The experience was so easy, breezy that I had no fears about going in for my replacement. I had felt absolutely nothing the first time, so why would it be different this time? Oh Dear God, I am so stupid! When I walked into the examination room, I encountered my first clue that things were not going to go smoothly - On the "equipment table" sat a 6 INCH needle & syringe. Talk about panic setting in. When my Dr. came into the room, I said, "Hey, what 's that needle for"? She responded, "Well, you could do without it, but I wouldn't recommend it." FABULOUS. All I can say is "Sorry" to all of those poor women who were waiting to be seen that day - when that needle went in, I screamed. I'm not talking about a dainty yell, I am talking about an extremely loud, "OMG what the hell are you doing down there" scream. To fast forward, the Dr. removed my old IUD & put in the new one & instructed me to sit up. I sat up and then immediately passed out. That's right, folks I fell right over. The next thing I knew, the Dr. was shoving some foul smelling cotton stick up my nose. Before I go on, I must warn you that things only go down hill from this point. Anyway, after I sat up and drank some water, a nurse came in & said that she was instructed to help me get dressed. Talk about picking the wrong day not to wear underwear. Uggghhh. You know, when I got dressed that morning, I thought "Why wear underwear, I'm just going to have to take them off". So, the nurse hands me my bra, she hands me my dress & then she asks, "Ummmm.... where are your underwear"? I had to go into a long, awkward explanation as to why I wasn't wearing underwear. Hadn't I suffered enuf?!?!? Well, the answer to that question is "No." After getting into my car and driving off, I became incredibly sick - that's right I started vomiting in the car. Good thing, I always keep a plastic grocery bag in the front passenger seat. I had to pull over into a nearby hospital parking lot & call Bob to come and get me. Seriously ladies, this entire experience was worse than childbirth! My advice - get your husbands snipped!

Happy Mother's Day!

Because it's Mother's Day, I am going to take a break from posting about my own adventures in parenting & reflect on a few of my Mother's sayings & doings, which I have had the privilege of witnessing first-hand over the years. Happy Mother's Day, Mom!!!

* In search of the perfume Anais Anais for my sister's birthday, my Mother approaches the perfume counter at Dillard's & tells the saleswoman, "My daughter just loves the smell of Anus Anus."

* Again, shopping with my Mother... She finds a shawl that she wants to put on hold. She tells the saleswoman, "I am going to one last store, but I want to put this on hold ... I'll be back in a few minutes." The saleswoman takes the shawl, gets a piece of paper and a pen & asks, "Who am I holding this for"? My Mother responds, "For me, Silly!"

* Sitting down at the dinner table, my Mother poses this poignant question to one of our guests, "Exactly how do you say 'Juan' in Spanish?"

* When asked her opinion of the theory that the world will end in 2012, my Mother responds, "I'm good with the world ending in 2012, as long as it doesn't involve me walking long distances."

* In response to my comment that Angelina didn't like the puppet show that performed for her class at school, my Mother says, "Oh, was it one of those sex puppet shows? Ugghh". WTF?!?!?!

Is my Mother hilarious or what? She is going to kill me... He He he He He he he.....

The Fall Off The Wagon Hurt!

As some of you know, about 2 weeks ago I hopped on the wagon in an effort to lose 7 pounds & banished my precious Pinot Noir from the house. Although a sad, sad state of affairs, the two weeks didn't kill me b/c I had an end in sight - MY BIRTHDAY! I promised myself that I would reunite with Pinot for my birthday celebration - no woman should be forced to age without a cocktail, right? Now, if you know me, then you know that I drink wine every nite (it's why I'm such a good cook). I'm certainly not an alcoholic (I know, I know, overcoming "denial" is one of the 12 Steps), but I'm also not a light-weight when it comes to wine consumption. So you can imagine how stunned I was when I woke up the morning after my birthday with a full-blown hangover. FYI - I haven't had a hangover since 1994!

How did it happen? Did I go to a bar & get crazy with the shots? No, I'm too old for that crap - I just walked down the street & enjoyed several glasses of wine at my neighbor's house with all of the other wonderful moms in my neighborhood (Check out the photo below)! In fact, I was home by 10:15 - hell, we're moms, we do things efficiently, and that includes drinking. Everything seemed to be going smoothly - I was in bed by 11 - I even slept great. BUT when Caroline woke me up at 6:30 the next morning for some chocolate milk, I seriously thought I was going to die. I haven't felt like that since the "trash can punch incident" my freshman year of college. However, having a hangover when you are 34 and a Wife/Mother is NOT the same as having a hangover when you are 18 and ALONE in a dorm room. OMG, it was just awful ... And here's why:

Vomiting With An Audience: As I clung to the toilet for dear life in the girls' bathroom, Caroline sat on the side of the bathtub, right next to me, & read out loud in a booming voice a book entitled "Don't Touch, It's Hot". The child demonstrated absolutely no sympathy for me. In fact, she acted as though me clinging to a toilet was a part of our everyday routine. At some point, Angelina walked by the bathroom, popped her head in & said, "Are you throwing up? ... That's disgusting". THEN, she just walked off. There was no "Are you okay, Mom"? or "Are you going to die, Mom"?

Bathing With Barbie: At one point, I thought a hot bath would make me feel better, so I crawled into the girls' bathtub. As I sat there praying (FYI - I am quite religious when vomiting is involved), Caroline hopped into the tub with me. THEN she started making her Barbie doll talk to me. That's when I realized that God was punishing me for only praying when I vomit.

The Clueless Husband In Search of Food: Finally feeling better, I crawled into Caroline's bed and fell asleep. About 8am, Bob came into the girls' room & nudged my arm. That's when he notified me that we were out of "Multi-Grain Cheerios". My reply: "Bob, I nearly died earlier, did you not hear me throwing up"? Bob's response, "Oh, I thought the cat was hacking up a hair ball ... I'm so sorry" - Less than a minute later, I hear - "Girls, get dressed we're going to McDonald's for breakfast."

Luckily, I was 100% by 10 am & Bob saved the day by taking me out for a post-birthday dinner. Needless to say, I haven't had a drink since my birthday... It will be awhile...

It's Finally Over!

You have no idea how happy I am that all of the holidays are FINALLY done! First there was Christmas, then the girls' birthday, THEN my wedding anniversary and at last, Easter. Holidays were a lot more fun when I wasn't Santa Claus & the freakin' Easter Bunny - oh, and the Tooth Fairy, I am also the Tooth Fairy. Attorney & Mother by day - Fictional character by nite - the moonlighting is killing me! And by the way, why am I not getting paid for the Mother/Fictional Character thing? All logistics aside, with another year of holidays passing, I am confronted with the reality that my girls are growing up. For example, yesterday I made our FINAL payment to Caroline's preschool. You can't possibly imagine the magnitude of this milestone. For the past 4 years (Angelina & Caroline's preschool combined), we have paid El Dorado Private School the equivalent of 4 years of in-state college tuition. That's right, folks - Bob & I are complete idiots. We paid college tuition, yet neither child walked away with a degree! Sure Caroline can recite her ABC's, and yes, she can count to 20 & say the days of the week in Spanish & French, but where is her Bachelor's Degree???? Where I ask you??? AND even more curious - why the French? We live in Arizona - Who the hell is speaking French around here? I'll tell you "who" -Caroline, that's it - NO ONE else! Oh well, shit happens - and apparently, so does tuition. I'm just happy the whole thing is over!

So before I go on to tell you a wholly unrelated story, I would like to point out that below are some very touching Easter photos of Angelina & Caroline. Now onto the "wholly unrelated" story. As some you might recall, last Easter, I called my Mother only to learn that my dear relative "Ramona's" vagina had fallen out. If you are new to this blog, I encourage you to check out the archive - very interesting story. ANYWAY, nothing near as fascinating happened this year on Easter, but I must share with you my Mother's Easter dream. Now, when I say "dream", I am not referring to some awe-inspiring vision that my Mother holds with respect to the future of our nation's children. No - I am referring to an actual "nighty-nite dream" that my Mother had - while asleep - on Easter. Here goes....

My Mother & Father have been invited to the White House for dinner - during George W. Bush's first term. During dinner, my Mother drops her white, linen napkin under the table & reaches down to pick it up. That's when she discovers that lurking under the table are boxes & boxes of tampons & tons and tons of KY Jelly. When my Mother comes back up from retrieving her napkin, she inquires why there are tampons & tubes of KY underneath the presidential dinner table. That's when President Bush responds, "Oh, those were left over from the Clinton Administration."

If my Mother doesn't kill me for posting the aforementioned, I will write again in a couple of days!

Why Do Dogs Need Muzzles?

WTF is up with muzzles for dogs? I know they can bark & all, but why waste a muzzle on a dog, when you could put it on a child? Seriously, when was the last time your dog barked something to a neighbor - something that you said behind closed doors, with absolutely no intention of it being made public & embarrassing the hell out of you? EXACTLY - Never!!! My children, on the otherhand, froth at the mouth with crap that should NEVER be said! I have had a week full of "will someone please muzzle my child" moments:

Caroline Can Solve The Immigration Crisis: For Christmas my parents bought Caroline the American Girl Doll, Josefina Montoya. As you can discern from the name, the doll is of Mexican descent and comes dressed in traditional Mexican attire. Hell, she even came with a pet goat. Anyway, every Thursday is "Show & Share" in Caroline's class at school. This past Thursday, Caroline decided to "Show & Share" Josefina Montoya - well, kind of. Before school, Caroline rummaged thru her doll clothes chest, disrobed Josefina & dressed her in leggings & a hoodie. THEN, she stuck a big, hot-pink bow in Josefina's hair. When "Show & Share" rolled around later that afternoon, Caroline introduced Josefina Montoya to her class as "Chloe". Caroline further explained that "Chloe" had arrived as a "Mexican", but that she had "fixed her" & transformed her into a real girl. I had another classmate's father jokingly inquire whether Bob & I stowed our white hoods in the trunk of our car or at home... Thank you, Caroline, thank you.


Your Secrets Are NOT Safe With Her: Our neighbor has a daughter in the 4th grade, who Angelina & Caroline absolutely adore. The little girl, who I will call "Jill", stops by the house occasionally & asks if the girls want to come play at her house. Unless we have to be somewhere, we let Angelina & Caroline go over to play. Well last weekend, after a 2 hour stint at Jill's house, Angelina & Caroline revealed that Jill & her friend spent the playdate "prank calling" people. For some bizarre reason, it was not until this very moment that Bob & I realized that our 5 year old daughter should not being hanging out with a 4th grader! Clearly, there is a HUGE difference between the two ages. THEN, after Caroline fell asleep for the nite, Angelina further confessed that Caroline had suggested Jill prank call the police - she didn't. Just fabulous, right? So, the very next day, I explained to Angelina & Caroline that I didn't think it was appropriate for them to be having playdates with Jill given the age difference. I suggested that if they wanted to play with Jill, they could all go to the park behind our house, where I could supervise. Look, I am not naive, I know that 10 year olds prank call people - hell I have personally prank called tons of people, but it's not what a 7 & 5 year should be doing in their spare time. So later that same week, when I drove to pick up Angelina from school, she asked if she could walk home with Jill. Because the school is one street over from our house & because I was tailing them in my car, I said, "Yes." When the girls passed Jill's house, Jill's mother came out to greet them. I pulled into our driveway & waited for Angelina to walk the rest of the way home. That's when Angelina yelled, "Mommy, come down here, Jill's Mom wants to talk to you." Immediately I knew that something was wrong ... my stomach dropped & my face felt like it was on fire. I reluctantly walked down to Jill's house. That's when Jill's mother explained that when Jill asked Angelina if she could come over to play, Angelina had explained that I was forbidding the girls from playing with Jill ever again - Because Jill was a bad influence. Talk about a deer caught in the headlites. Foolishly thinking that Angelina would back me up, I responded that in actuality, I had explained to the girls that Jill was interested in doing 4th grade things - things that they were not quite interested in yet. That's when Angelina said, "Mommy, that is NOT what you said... YOU SAID, that Jill was doing bad things & that you didn't want us playing with her anymore". Wow. The kid totally turned on me. It was awful. I went onto try & talk my way out of the situation, but Jill's mother clearly was not buying my explanation & I clearly wanted to run... AND I NEVER RUN!

Did You Miss Me?

Hello, All!!! Have you missed my complaining over the past few months? Why the long time off?Because my life has been absolutely insane since Christmas. Between the girls' schedules & Bob's work schedule, I haven't had time to do anything but bathe & drink wine. Well wait a minute, that's not entirely true. I have been brushing my teeth on a daily basis, but if I am going to be completely honest, I must admit that I don't always floss. ANYWAY, it's been so freakin' long that I don't know where to begin ... So, in order to be concise & to not to bore you with all of the sordid details, I am going to list some of my most memorable "WTF Moments" from the past few months:

1. Don't Shoot The Messenger: Quick Refresher - Back in November, we took the girls to the "Polar Express" for a weekend in Northern Arizona. Angelina & Caroline got to ride a train in their pajamas to the North Pole to visit Santa Claus - just like the book & movie "The Polar Express". Keep in mind that this is a trip that EVERYONE with children in Scottsdale takes. Now onto the story - While at a birthday party for one of Caroline's classmates in January, another mother informed me that while volunteering in the classroom in December, Caroline stood up & told the class that she had an important announcement to make. According to the mother, Caroline told the class that the Polar Express was a fraud. She proceeded to explain to all of her innocent, non-jaded 4-year old classmates that a trip to the North Pole had to last longer than 20 minutes. Caroline concluded her announcement with the following: "Please don't tell my parents what I have told you, they spent a lot of money on the trip & they think they actually went to the North Pole." Thank you, Caroline, for being so considerate of our feelings. Check out the photo to the right... Who the hell knew she was thinking, "Move it along, Old Man... You're a Fake".

2. My IUD Replacement: Speaking of being "Woo'd", as many of you know, I had a 5-year IUD put in after I had Caroline. Well, Caroline just turned 5, so I'm sure you can guess where this is going.... Mama needs a replacement! Anyway, we just switched to a "Health Savings Account". I don't know how many of you are familiar with HSAs, but basically you upfront all of your healthcare costs until to you meet your deductible & there are additional tax benefits. So, approaching my IUD replacement date, I called my OB/GYN's office to inquire how much my IUD would cost with the new insurance plan. That's when I was told that my IUD would cost "870.00." Yes, that's cheaper than having another baby, but WTF?!?!? As you can imagine, I was unable to contain my horror at the cost of my birth control. That's when the billing lady said, "Well, you can save $135 if you forgo the local anesthesia". Again, WTF?!?!?! Look, I may be cheap, but when it comes to my "Hoo-Ha", I am really not looking to cut costs. Brace yourself - the billing lady then says, "You know, you're being charged $35 for the bowl the doctor uses to hold your current IUD after its removal." Nice... I can only surmise that she was hinting I cut $35 off of my bill by bringing some old, used piece of Tupperware for the doctor to use. AGAIN, not where I am looking to cut costs!

3. Happy Birthday, Babies!: Luckily, there is no horror involved in this story... Angelina turned 7 on February 13th & Caroline turned 5 on March 1st. I can't believe my babies are so old! But of course, no matter how old they get, they will always be my babies.

One More Thing...

On my last post, I completely forgot to tell you what happened when we arrived home from our Thanksgiving vacation to Telluride! So, we walk into the house & the girls run to their playroom... THEN, Bob & I hear loud screaming & a lot of "Why? Why? Why me?" Caroline's gerbil was dead. Now, if you have been following my blog from the beginning, then you know our very complicated & very EXPENSIVE relationship with gerbils. For the third time in 6 months, it appeared that Blackie II (Angelina's gerbil) had murdered Caroline's gerbil. First, Blondie II, then Chocolate - now Cutie!! Caroline looked at me with her big, brown eyes & said, "Why do MY gerbils always die when we go on vacation?" To this, I responded, "Because Angelina's gerbil is a psychopath who continually murders". Then in a very calm & cold manner, Baby Chippie asked for a Ziploc bag, bagged Cutie's body & dumped it in the trash dumpster in the garage. Poor Caroline....

People, I have had one hell of a past couple of months! I am going to bullet point some of the bizarre crap I have experienced since I last posted.

Angelina Joined A Cult: Angelina is now a "Daisy", which is the lowest level Girl Scout. FYI: Girls Scouts rearranged their hierarchy, so you can't become a Brownie until the 2nd grade. And let's be clear, it was NOT my idea for Angelina to become a Daisy - I think I lasted all of 3 months in Brownies. But, Angelina had to become a Daisy because she loves adhering to a code of ethics, and for some strange reason, she thinks she gets to make & bake the Girl Scout Cookies. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I got roped into escorting Angelina & her troop to the the ballet! The point of this field trip was for the girls to earn their "Theatre" badge. Here's some pertinent info.: Before you enter the theatre there is a big-ass sign that reads, "NO FOOD OR DRINK IN THEATRE". Duh! Anyway, midway thru the ballet performance, I hear a crinkling sound in the row behind us, I turn around & one of the little girls from our troop is eating chips out of a Doritos bag.... WITH her mother sitting right next to her. No wait, it gets better! About 10 minutes later, the mother sitting next to me, leans down, opens her purse - AND I shit you not - pulls out a 6-inch sub with all the fixins' & hands it to her kid. WTF?!?! This kid starts chowing down on a freakin' hoagie in the middle of the ballet. Hell, if I would have known we would be breaking out Doritos & Subway sandwiches, I would have brought a flask! Below is a photo of Angelina & I before the ballet... Look at me, I have no idea what is about to happen...

I Received the "Mother of the Year 2009 Award": Don't get too excited, I am being sarcastic. Okay, around November 6th, Caroline tripped & hit her head on the frame of the girls' bathroom door while the girls were brushing their teeth (that's what you get for practicing oral hygeine). She got a "goose egg" on her forehead, right by her hairline. We gave her some Motrin, put an ice-pack on her head for an hour & repeatedly checked her pupils. Everything seemed fine, but a week later, my Mother noticed that Caroline had a small dent on her forehead where the "goose egg" had originally formed. There was no visible bruising & Caroline said her forehead felt totally fine. About 3 weeks later, while rubbing Caroline's forehead at bedtime, I detected a hard bump on the top of her eyebrow, on the same side where she hit her head. Bob & I figured that she had an infected eyebrow hair, so I took her to the pediatrician. I explained that Caroline had fallen & hit her head about a month earlier. After hearing my story & examining the dent, the doctor advised that the hard bump was NOT an impacted eyebrow hair. According to the pediatrician, when Caroline hit her head, the blood drained internally down her forehead, hit her brow-bone, congealed & formed a calcified blood clot. Nice... real nice. Boy, did I feel like a SuperStar Mom! You know, you try not to panic & rush your child to the emergency room like a crazy, paranoid mother, AND as a result, something like this happens! The doctor said the calcification should go away in a few months... God, I hope so, I feel awful about the whole thing! Of course, on the way home from the Dr.'s appointment, Caroline asked, "Mommy, you know why I have an ouchie on my head?" I gave my answer & she responded with, "No... It's because I farted so hard, it blew out my head!"

Christmas 2009: Merry Christmas, Everyone! For the past five years, the girls & I have been on antibitoics at Christmas - and this year was no exception. About 5 days before Christmas, we all came down with Strep Throat. Oh the joy of the season! Tuey & Pappa came over on Christmas Eve & I cooked a big Christmas Eve dinner. Angelina & Caroline opened all of their presents & thoroughly enjoyed themselves. Below is a photo of me cooking the turkey!

Dear God, I'm Exhausted

Yes, it has been an extremely LONG time since I last posted. Halloween has come & gone and Thanksgiving is right around the corner. What's my excuse for being so behind in posting? I am exhausted, people. I know you're not going to believe this, BUT raising two little girls is turning out to be quite the time-consuming project. Here's what's happened since I last posted:

*** I have a NEW 2010 Toyota Sienna Mini-Van! That's right, I can no longer be confused with a neighborhood maid. I think I have now risen to the level of possible nanny!
*** I am on my 3rd round of Valtrex for my Shingles. BUT, I think I am finally on my way to a full recovery!
*** Angelina is taking ballet & Caroline is taking Tap & Jazz. Do you have any idea how much jazz shoes cost? WAY TOO MUCH!
*** We spent this past weekend taking the Polar Express to the North Pole to visit Santa. If you don't know what the Polar Express is, it is a children's book about a train that takes some kids to the North Pole. Anyway, the whole experience was extremely cheesy, but the kids had a fabulous time & Bob and I had two bottles of wine.
*** The kids got their H1N1 vaccines & receive their boosters this Friday. AND, no, the kids haven't exploded or anything... YET!

Get Comfortable, This Is A Long One! But A Good One....

I've said it before & I'll say it again, never ever tempt the universe by complaining, "things can't possibly get worse", because things can always get worse. So, about three weeks ago I woke up with a nasty patch of, well for lack of a better term, "CRAP" on my face. At first, I just figured I was experiencing an allergic reaction to something. So, I popped some benadryl. After that didn't work, I went to the doctor. Like always, the doctor was on vacation, so I had to see the nurse practitioner, who told me that I had a staph infection on my face. She prescribed a topical antibiotic cream. I used the cream religiously for about a week with absolutely no improvement. So, the day before we left for DisneyLand, the nurse practitioner called in an oral antibiotic. Again, no improvement. Well, the day after we got home from DisneyLand, my spinal cord started tingling & feeling like it was on fire. Then I realized what was going on - I am no stranger to that burning sensation - I had the same feeling when I had shingles back in 2005!!! Quick SideNote: Do you have any idea who gets the shingles? I'll tell you who - The elderly & those who have suffered a trauma. While I would classify my rest-stop incident with Angelina as traumatic (see previous post), I don't exactly think it qualifies as such on an objective scale.

Anyway, when I woke up the next morning, I made an appointment with a different doctor to discuss my shingles. BUT before going to the doctor, I had to pick up my mini-van from the Chrysler dealership, which I had dropped off the day before to have the "tail light situation" examined. I showed up at the dealership about 9:15, found a customer service representative & requested my car. The gentleman took down my name, left for about 5 minutes, came back & said, "Ma'am, you're car is not here". WTF? Really? Clearly, I disagreed with him & suggested that he look harder. After about 15 minutes, the Chrysler man returned & actually asked me the following question: "Are you sure you left your car here?" I may have two kids & I may be a little frazzled at times, but even I can't misplace a freakin' mini-van!!!! Finally, after about 30 minutes, a search team of 10 men located my Town & Country. Needless to say, when the doctor diagnosed me with shingles about an hour later & asked, "What are you so stressed about that you are getting shingles at your age?", I responded, "You have no idea." BUT wait, there's more!!!! The doctor prescribed me the anti-viral medication Valtrex to help speed up my recovery. You know, the cool drug that is always being advertised on TV to aid those horny folks suffering from genital herpes, who don't want to infect their partners. FYI - All of this chaos occurred on the same day as Angelina's school's "Fall Festival" - an event where I had to volunteer. When I dropped off my prescription at Walgreens & the lady asked when I needed the Valtrex, I told her that I needed it IMMEDIATELY because I had to get to a Fall Festival. I don't even want to know what type of booth she thought I was working....

I've Met Karma ... AND, It's True, She's A Bitch!

Okay, I am the first to admit that I have done some "not-so-nice" things to people in the past - hell, probably, within the last hour, BUT does karma always have to strike while I am on vacation?!?!?! As many of you know, we left for DisneyLand last Sunday. And because I am a responsible traveler, I took the mini-van in for an oil change & overall inspection the week before. Everything checked out fine. However, 5 minutes after leaving the house for Anaheim on Sunday morning, the freakin' tail lights went out. We had to turn-around & go home, with both kids screaming "this isn't the way to DisneyLand". We had to unload all of our crap from the mini-van & repack it in Bob's car. Let me tell you all the things wrong with traveling in Bob's car... First & most importantly, it is a car. You can't imagine how cramped it is traveling in a car with two little girls, who insist on packing two suitcases just for their American Girl dolls! AND, unlike my mini-van, Bob's car does not have a DVD player. Due to the lack of entertainment, Angelina & Caroline spent the entire 6 hour trip taunting each other, hitting each other, etc.

Fortunately, the actual time we spent at DisneyLand was fun. Sure it rained, but we're desert dwellers, so precipitation is always exciting for us. What wasn't fun, however, was the trip back home. Once again, the lack of a DVD player really screwed things up. While Caroline slept, Angelina stared & stared out the window until she became horribly car sick. After multiple complaints that she was going to throw-up, Bob pulled over at a rest-stop. I took Angelina into the restroom. But before we could get into a stall, Angelina puked all over the floor ... AND, all over my foot. Not a good day for wearing flip-flops, people!!! I had Angelina's breakfast all in-between my toes - No wait, it gets better - In preparation for round 2, Angelina ran into a stall & clutched the toilet seat with her bare hands. If you know me, then you know my kids touching a public toilet seat is my worst nightmare!!! While Angelina took a break from being sick, I decided to wash off my foot. Of course, two women had to walk in during my bath. There I stood, washing my foot in a public sink standing next to a large pile of vomit on the floor. Angelina was silent, behind closed doors, so it appeared that I was all alone. In all my 33 years, I don't think I have ever received such disapproving glares. All I could retaliate with was, "I'm a lawyer". I had to say something & that's all I could come up with... Uggghhh... There is absolutely no dignity to be found with this "mother gig".

But enuf about my traveling woes, below are some photos of us during happier times!!! And, yes, I am holding a glass of wine at DisneyLand!

I'm Back!

I know it's been quite some time since I last posted. Reason? I broke-up with my courage, aka Pinot Noir, about 3 weeks ago in an effort to drop some pounds for our upcoming DisneyLand trip. I have found that without my dear companion, I don't blog as much! AND no, I am not trying to lose weight to look good for Mickey Mouse - I am, however, trying to avoid a heat rash on my inner thighs - if you have walked around D'Land in the California heat, then you know what I am talking about. Luckily, the weight is gone & I have reunited with my precious Pinot Noir. AND speaking of break-ups, Caroline broke-up with Cade. Why? Unfortunately, I don't have any details - All Caroline will reveal is that Cade is "too much of a bad boy." Caroline informed me that the "wedding" with Tanner is back-on! Hope none of you returned that wedding gift you bought....

Onto more Mann Family news... As some of you may have seen on my FaceBook page, we put the girls in soccer - NOT GOOD. Bob & I never learn. For the past 3 years, every Fall, the girls beg to do soccer AND each time they hate it! They love buying the soccer shoes, soccer shorts, shin guards... What they don't love, however, is running around a field kicking a ball. Thank God we only have two more Mondays of soccer left & the whole fiasco will be over! We also only have two more gymnastics classes left - the girls have decided that they want to return to dance. Actually they decided they were tired of gymnastics the day after I paid over $300 to enroll them in the Fall Session. Mean Old Me is making them stick-it-out until the very end. Damn you, Dance Fever!!! You have no idea how much I am dreading the whole dance thing. I am sure you remember my insane experiences during last year's "dance season". Dear God, I need a glass of wine just thinking about it. Hold on, I am going to get one....

Now, I must address some heartbreaking news... As most of you know, Angelina started refusing to wear pants when she was 2 . For the past 4 years she has worn only dresses & skirts. Then, out of the blue last Monday before school, Angelina declared that she will no longer wear dresses. WTF?!?! First & foremost, I have a small fortune invested in dresses, size 6X. Secondly, who said what at school that made my innocent little dress wearing Angel self-conscious about wearing dresses? All you women out there know exactly what I am talking about. Some little girl said something bitchy to Angelina. Like any good Mother, I told Angelina that she looks beautiful in dresses & that some people have mommies who don't care what they wear or what they look like. THEN, I put Angelina in a skirt, dropped her off at school & made a mad-dash to the mall to stock up on skirts. Do I think you should buckle under peer pressure? Hell no, but I also remember what it is like to be a kid & I don't want my little girl to be unhappy. Luckily, Angelina & I struck the following deal: Angelina must wear a dress 2 days a week until she outgrows them!!! Believe me, if I could shove my butt into one of those Gymboree dresses, I would... Do you have any idea how much those freakin' dresses cost?!?! Well, I can tell you who doesn't know how much a Gymboree dress costs ... BOB. Poor man... Every time he starts talking about retiring at 65, I just laugh. Quick background info.: Bob is one of 4 boys. He has absolutely no idea what he is in for being the father of 2 girls: Prom dresses, wedding dresses, etc. Hell, the bra & tampon budget alone could have Bob working until he is 100!

Speaking of Bob, Caroline decided on Wednesday that she wanted her hair cut in a "bob". So, I took Caroline to the salon & had her hair whacked off. Below are some photos... Yes, I am still pulling her hair back & topping it off with a bow!!!

Where to Begin?

I think the title says it all - So much has happened since the last time I posted that I'm not sure where to start, but here goes:
Let me begin with some shocking new developments with respect to Caroline's love life. You may need to sit down for this one - Caroline broke up with Tanner. I think y'all remember the love affair that blossomed between these two cutie-pies during last year's preschool class. Did Caroline call Tanner or e-mail him to break the news? No, she just tells everyone that she "dumped" him... the poor guy doesn't even know. Why the break-up? Caroline has a new man in her life - Cade. Cade is a little blonde man in her current Pre-K class. AND, for all of you Texas Longhorns out there, his parents are both UT graduates. I know, I know, she has good taste. But back to the details.... Apparently, Caroline & Cade met during lunch. I know this because I overheard the following conversation between my children:

Caroline: Angelina, I have a new boyfriend & his name is Cade.

Angelina: How did you two meet?

Caroline: We met at lunch. He told a joke, I laughed... We made out a little bit and then, you know, we are boyfriend & girlfriend. (FYI- it was after the "made-out" part that I spit out my coffee & rushed
into the playroom).

Angelina: So, you aren't going to marry Tanner?

Caroline: You know that's right.... I broke up with him.

"WTF" is right!!!! Caroline is 4 not 24!!!! "Made out"????? Yes, I did ask Caroline what she meant by "made out". She got mad & said, "Oh Mom ....". I didn't press the issue because as soon as I make a big deal out of something, she talks about it non-stop. The last thing I need is for Caroline to be telling everyone that she is making out with another 4-year old!!! Brace yourself, it gets better. Quick SideNote: On Fridays, Bob or I bring the girls a special lunch, you know, like McDonald's or something. Anyway, last Friday, Bob brought a Happy Meal to Caroline for lunch. When he kneeled down to kiss Caroline good-bye, Cade shouted from across the room, "Hey, I'm her boyfriend". Needless to say, this was Bob's worst nightmare, realized about 13 years early. Poor Bob. I think it would be an understatement to say that he was irritated by the comment. He's not the only person who is frustrated. This morning, every time I tried to fix Caroline's hair she took off running - she kept yelling, "You don't need to fix my hair, Cade loves me just the way I am." Again, where is she coming up with this stuff????

Moving on from Caroline & onto Angelina. Angelina doesn't have a love-life, but she did finish reading "Little Women" this week. She is VERY proud of herself. She went to school & told all of her classmates that she read "Little Women" - AND every child she told just stared at her. Poor baby couldn't figure out why no one knew about "Little Women". You know, I tried to read that book once & stopped mid-way through... Angelina read the damn thing in 2 days. It kills me - she has absolutely no idea how intelligent she is or that she is different from the other kids her age. She is just a happy little girl and I hope to keep it that way!

Why, Baby Chippie, Why?

On Thursday nite, Caroline's school had "Parent Orientation Nite". It's basically a meeting where the teacher tells all of the parents the classroon rules & expectations for the year. Well, after stuffing my big a$$ into a teeny-tiny preschooler chair, and finding myself bored out of my mind, I began to look around the classroom for something interesting. Here's another case of "be careful what you wish for", because I definitely found something interesting - a wall covered in drawings that each child had made of his/her family. Underneath each drawing was a child's name. I immediately started panning the wall, trying to find Caroline's name, so I could see her portrait of our family. During my examination of the wall, I encountered some great artwork - you know, stick figure moms, dad, brothers, sisters. THEN, I discovered Caroline's masterpiece - NO mom, No dad, No sister - just a large drawing of a monkey with big, red lips & "My Family" written underneath it. WHY?!?!?!?!? I mean seriously, what in God's name possessed her to do that? As always when it comes to Caroline, after I got over my initial shock of her deed, I laughed. I wonder what the 3rd week of school will bring?

Baby Chippie, Please, Please Be Good!

The girls have been in school for exactly 9 days & already we have had to schedule a meeting with Baby Chippie's teacher. Why you ask? I'm really not sure how to phrase this, but Caroline enjoys "hiding" her smarts when in the company of teachers. It all started last year in preschool when her teacher was trying to assess her knowledge of the alphabet. The child has known the alphabet backwards & forwards for years, so Bob & I were stunned when her "1st Semester Report Card" stated that Caroline could only identify the letter "C". WTF? Confused beyond belief, we scheduled a parent/teacher conference. FYI: The teaching method used in the preschool class is something called "Zoo Phonics". Basically, each letter is paired with an animal whose name begins with that letter - Aly the Alligator, Bubba the Bear, Catarina the Cat, etc. Well, according to Caroline's teacher, when she showed Caroline the letter "A" & asked her to make its sound, she made an alligator noise... With "B", Caroline growled like a bear & with "C" she meowed like a cat. The teacher explained that Caroline found the whole thing quite amusing. When we got home from the meeting, Bob & I sat Caroline down & gave her the "You're A Big Girl Now" speech. AND, before school started this year, I reminded Caroline that while school is a fun place, it also a place where learning is taken seriously. Like any good child, Caroline shook her head up & down & promised to cooperate with her teachers. Like any gullible mother, I looked into her big brown eyes & believed her.

So on Monday after school, as I was emptying Caroline's back-pack, I discovered a piece of paper from class where she had practiced writing her name. There was a big stamp across the top of the paper that read "Super Job". "Super Job" - I don't think so! The writing on the page was the worst rendition of Caroline's name I have ever seen. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Damn, Emily, the child is only 4 years old... GET A GRIP." I know she is only 4, but I also know that she can write her name very clearly. So, I asked Caroline to sit down & write her name for me. She did. Please, check out the comparison photos below... You see what I am talking about?

The next morning when we dropped Caroline off at school, I advised the teacher that Caroline can, in fact, write her name. That's when the teacher revealed this little gem. Apparently, the day before, the teacher advised Caroline that altho her letter "N" looked like an "N", she was not drawing it in the proper way. Caroline responded, "Well, this is the way I draw my "N's". When the teacher told Caroline that she needed to draw her "N's" in the correct way, Caroline became very irritated & snapped, "Well then, I guess I need to find a new school."

FABULOUS! Needless to say, I scheduled a parent/teacher conference, so that we could clear up the handwriting situation. Because I have a tendency to go apeshit when it comes to these types of things, Bob went alone & met with Caroline's teacher. Bob reported that she was quite surprised to see Caroline's real handwriting. What are we going to do with Baby Chippie? Love her.

EXHIBIT 1

EXHIBIT 2

The Last 24 Hours....

Yesterday afternoon, as I was backing out of the garage, I ran into the side of the garage. As a result, the back-end of my mini-van now has a big-ass dent in it. When I alerted Bob to the situation, he shook his head & laughed out loud. He tried to make me feel better by pointing out that the back of the mini-van now matches the front of the mini-van (See previous blog posts - I have also had my fair share of front-end "incidents") That poor car - having me as a driver has not been a good experience for it. What's worse is that I now look like a freakin' maid. I know it's terrible to say (AND I know this because Bob told me it was horrible to say), but every time I see a beat-up mini-van parked around here, the occupants are servicing someone's home. You know, the last year Angelina was at El Dorado, I overheard the teacher walking her to our car at the end of the day say, "Oh look, your nanny came to pick you up this afternoon." Real nice... Anyway, things didn't get much better when nite time rolled around. Sending Angelina off to "Sleepy Town" was a piece-of-cake... Unfortunately, getting Caroline to bed proved to be quite the ordeal. To avoid telling you a really long story, I will condense it ~ Caroline over-dosed on spaghetti, fruit chews & chocolate milk, so when it was time to go to bed, instead of peacefully closing her eyes & drifting off to sleep, she puked ALL over the place. So at 9pm last nite, I found myself washing sheets, washing Caroline's hair, etc. Luckily, everyone got a good nite's sleep & went on to have a great day at school. Needless to say, I am ready for bed & it's only 6:30!

Blast From The Past!

Not that I pride myself on being 100% up-to-date on current events around the world, but Angelina is about 69 years off the mark when it comes to current events. About a month ago, she became fascinated with a series of books about a little girl during WWII. Apparently, this little girl collects bottle caps to help the Allies. Well since reading these books, one thing has become very apparent about our little "Genius" - she has absolutely no concept of time. Why do I say this? Because Angelina is currently collecting bottle caps to help the Allies. That's right folks, Angelina is bound & determined to defeat Hitler. You can't begin to imagine how many bottle caps this child has collected. Bob & I don't have the heart to tell her that the Axis Powers have already been taken care of ... It's only a matter of time before she spear-heads a bottle cap collection drive at school. I can see it now - People will just assume that she is trying to garner support for our troops in the Middle East & the bottle caps will pour in by the hundreds. Then one day, someone will ask "the" question & Angelina's answer will reveal that she is, in fact, trying to stop the Nazis, not Al-Qaeda. This whole thing makes me long for the days when she was convinced she was Cinderella... Aaahhh, things were so simple then.

Back To School!

So, Monday was the 1st day of school for both Angelina & Caroline! I swear that first day back is better than Christmas. New dresses, backpacks & lunch boxes for the girls - a clean house & some much needed down-time for me. Now for the details! Because the girls' schools start & end at the same time, I was extremely anxious about getting everyone where they needed to be AND on time. Thank God we live so close to both schools because the parking situation was an absolute nightmare. Not that walking to school in 100 degree heat is enjoyable, but it clearly beats trying to find a parking space while watching the minutes tick, tick away until the final bell rings!!! With respect to Caroline's drop-off, we could have abandoned her in the school parking lot & left. The child would have wondered into school, settled into a 3rd grade class & never thought twice about the entire thing. In fact, on Tuesday, she begged & pleaded with Bob & I NOT to walk her into the school gates- she kept yelling "Halt ... I don't need you, I know where to go". To her extreme disappointment, school policy mandates that I sign her in at the classroom, AND besides, who the hell doesn't walk their 4-year old into school!?! Now onto Angelina's drop-off. Well for as much as Caroline is indifferent, Angelina is sensitive. While she didn't need to hold my hand, she did need me to blow kisses at her as she disappeared into the school building.

Now, onto the pick-up. Luckily, my parents volunteered to pick Caroline up from school, so I could figure out the "car pick-up" situation at Grayhawk. This is the deal: Last year at kindergarten pick-up, Angelina's teacher physically placed her in our car. BUT this year, at the "big kid" pick-up, all of the children in grades 1-6 gather in one big loading zone & hop into their cars. Anyway, I arrived at the loading zone early & took great pride in being the 3rd car in line. Well, when 3 o'clock rolled around, Angelina was nowhere to be found. In fact, no parent in the pick-up car line waiting for a 1st grader could find their child. After about 5 minutes, I got out of my car, approached the principal who was overseeing the pick-up process & reported that Angelina was MIA. Talk about freaking out... I knew Angelina was somewhere, but the thought of her panicking & thinking I had forgotten to pick her up was enuf to make me throw-up! Turns out that the 1st grade teachers decided to hold-back all of their students until the older kids were gone, so that the little ones wouldn't feel intimidated. Unfortunately, none of the 1st grade moms received that memo!!!

So by the time Angelina & I arrived home I was feeling guilty for being late for Caroline's big arrival home. As soon as we walked in the door, I asked Caroline how her first day of school went. Caroline responded with, "You don't need to know that". WTF? I tried to bribe her with fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies, BUT she still refused to tell me anything - she just kept saying, "You don't need to know". Well despite Caroline's refusal to divulge any details, I did manage to uncover one tidbit: Neither kid peed at school (BTW, my Mother is cringing right now b/c I didn't use the word "tinkle"). Can you imagine going from 9 until 3 without peeing? Well enuf talk... Below are some photos from the 1st day of school... Are my girls beautiful or what?

Surprise!

Wow! My life since Friday has been full of surprises. So, my weekend started off with a party. Sounds like a fun way to begin, right? Think again. I arrived at the party on time, however, the individual hosting the shindig showed up nearly 40 minutes late - almost 40 minutes late for her own freakin' party. The reason for the extreme tardiness? I have no idea because no reason or apology was given. But wait, it gets better. While I stood around waiting with the other guests, the owner of the venue approached me & asked for the total head count with respect to the guest list. WTF??? How the hell was I supposed to know... And that's basically the answer I gave. THEN, she complained that she left a message for the host regarding the final guest list & never received a call-back. Neat. That's right "Neat". That's really all I have to say about the situation because I cannot find the words to adequately express just how offended I am by the whole thing. How is it that I am continually shocked & surprised by people's complete lack of manners, respect, etc?

Okay, now for some more interesting surprises. On Saturday evening, while preparing dinner for a family BBQ, I whacked off the top of my pinky finger while peeling potatoes. I have never seen so much blood in my entire life. Holy Crappers, it was incredible. My Dad & I drove to Walgreens to purchase gauze & heavy duty band-aids. On the way home, I bled thru my jumbo paper towel wrap all over the interior of my parents' car. My poor Dad spent the next 20 minutes in our driveway trying to remove the blood stains because, as he explained, he didn't want to become the main suspect on a 48 Hours Mystery if I died (clearly someone is watching way too much of the Investigation Discovery Channel). My Mother tried to convince me to go in for stitches, but I refused. I have found in my 33 years that there are few things in life that excessive amounts of Motrin & Pinot Noir can't fix. After about 6 hours, the bleeding finally stopped. Hopefully, the top of my finger will grow back. For those of you who know, I barely have hands, so every little bit makes a huge difference. BUT, one more thing ... While I was waiting for my blood to clot, I was wondering around the house doing "Mom" things, when I happened to walk by the playroom, where I witnessed Caroline vigourously shaking the gerbil cage & yelling, "EARTHQUAKE, EARTHQUAKE ". You know, looking back, I seriously suspect that "Chocolate" the gerbil committed suicide.

I will now end this post with something completely random - A video of Caroline at Tuey & Pappa's house, entitled "A Rat Came Into The House".

Hey Babies, Where Did You Go?!?

Do you realize that school starts on August 17th? Where the hell did the summer go? But more importantly, where did my babies go? Over past 2 1/2 months my "babies" have morphed into "kids". Case in point - I have spent several hours a week over the past 4 years sitting in hallways, waiting for one or both of my children to emerge from lessons. Why did I stay? Well, what if someone got hurt OR even worse - what if Angelina or Caroline had to pee & neglected to put down the toilet seat safeguard, sanitary sheet?!?! Oh the horror! But times are a changin' for me. I am happy (and maybe even a little sad) to report that last Tuesday, I dropped the girls off at gymnastics, ran to the grocery store, went home to unload & then returned to pick them up. What's even more shocking is that it wasn't my idea. Angelina overheard me complaining to Bob about having to grocery shop so late in the afternoon after gymnastics, so she suggested I go to the store while she & Caroline were in class. To Caroline's disappointment, I escorted them into the building & waited for them to enter class before leaving. Caroline actually requested that I drop them off at the curb! WTF?!?!

Thank God that amidst all of the change I have witnessed this summer, one thing has remained the same - both Angelina & Caroline continue to shock me with the things that come out of their mouths. Below are few recent quotes from the Princess.

* So, we were all in the pool yesterday when a bee came flying by Caroline. When Caroline started to panic & flail around, Angelina yelled, "Caroline ignore it, you know like we do Mommy & it will go away"! I know they don't listen to me all of the time, but I certainly didn't know that it was part of a "strategy"....

* Before bed last nite, I asked Angelina which boys from her kindergarten class she was hoping to see in her 1st grade class this year. Angelina answered, "Evan". She went onto explain, "Evan chased me a lot at recess. And when the boys didn't chase me, I would tell them to." When Angelina encountered a blank stare & awkward silence from me, she advised, "Well, you know, only because it's good exercise."
* A couple of weeks ago, while we were waiting to be seated at a restaurant, Angelina leaned over & told me, "Mom, Mom, I don't think I can hold it." A little irritated, I told her to calm down & pointed to the ladies room sign. That's when she snapped, "No, no, not that... I'm feeling the urge to turn into a cheetah & I don't think I can fight it."
* As you can tell from the photos I post, Angelina & I look nothing alike. Sometimes I think it bothers her that Caroline looks a lot like me. So the other day, as I was staring at Angelina, I noticed that she might actually have my nose. Thinking that such a similiarity would make her happy, I said, "Hey, Angelina, I think you might have Mommy's nose". Unfortunately, her response was, "Great, I am going to have a huge nose".

Crap On A Stick!

Okay, this story involves neither crap nor a stick, but is nevertheless interesting. So the gerbil drama did not end with the freezing of Blondie's body. BTW, it was rather interesting to return from our trip & find Blondie nestled between a frozen pizza & a bag of spinach. Good thing we didn't die on the trip back home, someone would have looked in my freezer & thought I was too cheap to buy hamburger! Anyway, remember awhile back when Blackie & Blondie escaped from their cage during the nite & Blackie was batted to death by the cats & Blondie lost her tail? Well, after Blondie recovered from her tail injury, we purchased Blackie Part II, so Blondie wouldn't be lonely. So after Caroline performed the ceremonial tossing of Blondie's body into the garbage bin (see photo), the girls & I traveled to PetSmart in search of a new companion for Blackie. Caroline & Angelina picked out a little brown cutie & named her "Chocolate". When we got home, we put Chocolate in the cage with Blackie. Unlike our previous experience with integrating gerbils, they didn't fight or chase each other. Well, two hours later, when I went into the playroom to check on the gerbils, I was stunned to discover that Chocolate was MIA. Initially Bob made fun of me, since Blackie was still in the cage & all of the doors & latches on the cage were locked. BUT, after sticking his hand in the cage & performing a thorough examination of the gerbil premises, Bob agreed that Chocolate had somehow managed to escape. We locked the cats in our room & began searching the house. After about 30 minutes & a glass of wine (who am I kidding? 2 glasses of wine... EACH), Bob decided to rummage thru the cage one more time. That's when Bob dug up Chocolate's very bloody body. That's right, Blackie ate Chocolate. OOOOOhhhh the drama... Angelina howled & howled - Caroline, on the otherhand, shrugged her shoulders & exhibited extreme irritation with Angelina's expression of grief. In fact, Caroline was so irritated that she tried to slap the hysteria out of Angelina. To everyone's disappointment, the slap just made Angelina scream louder & resulted in Caroline being put in time-out. Anyway, the next morning, the girls & I returned to PetSmart with our receipt, which guaranteed us a brand new, breathing gerbil, if the originally purchased gerbil kicked it. I presented the first teenage, acne-stricken, sales associate I encountered with our receipt & requested a new gerbil. That's when Miss High School Reject 2009 advised me that she needed to see Chocolate's body in order honor my request. WTF?!?! It's a freakin' gerbil, not Michael Jackson! Of course, I asked to speak with the manager - I informed Mr. Manager there was no way in hell I was going to dig for the body of a dead gerbil, which sat overnite in an outdoor garbage bin, in 100 degree heat. It didn't hurt that Caroline looked up at the man, and with her big, brown eyes, muttered, "Mister, my gerbie is dead". To make an incredibly long story a little less long - we bought a new gerbil named "Cutie". Blackie Part II seems to like her - and by "seems to like her", I mean that Blackie Part II has yet to eat her.

Hello Again!

Has it been a long time or what??? So, we left for the mountains last Wednesday to escape the horrific heat - we were supposed to be back in Scottsdale today... BUT, as we were driving home this morning, we passed a cheesy, western ranch/resort. Angelina saw a sign advertising horse rides for little kids, so we pulled over. I think all of you know that Angelina has a bizarre obsession with horses. Anyway, for $16.00 the girls got to ride two little ponies around in a circle for about 5 minutes. While Bob was gone investigating the resort, the girls & I took a tour of the horse stables. When the tour guide stopped to show us the ranch's prized stallion, Caroline pointed at the horse's private parts & made some loud, inappropriate comments. Thank you, Baby Chippie. After the tour, the girls begged to have lunch at the "Wild Women Saloon" - Fitting name, right? And because Bob & I are push-overs & scared to death of the 115 degree temperatures in the valley, we got a room at the ranch for the nite.

BUT NOW, some very sad news.... According to our next-door-neighbor's son - the one taking care of our zoo while we are away - Blondie the Gerbil has left us for the big running wheel in the sky! So sad... We haven't told the girls yet. We instructed Nicholas to place Blondie in a ziploc bag & toss him in the freezer... The kids will definitely want to say "good-bye" & look at him one last time!

4th of July Flashback!

I remember it like it was yesterday, the week leading up to July 4th, 2005. I made an appointment to have the girls' portrait taken. I loaded up the girls & my parents and headed off to the mall. Angelina had a total melt-down & refused to sit for the photographer. We tried to calm her down by buying her a huge cup of chocolate ice-cream, which she then proceeded to drip all over her dress. By the time Angelina was ready to have her picture taken, her dress (which matched Caroline's dress) was filthy. Because the girls had to match, I ran into the closest store, which happened to be Old Navy, to buy two NEW dresses. To my horror, the only similiar looking dresses I could find were these over-the-top 4th of July outfits. AND of course, when we returned to the photo studio they couldn't squeeze us in. By the time we found a photo studio that had time for us, we had been at the mall for 6 freakin' hours. I remember my Dad asking how many times a year I planned on having the kids picture taken!!! I also remember Bob's reaction when he first looked at the 8 x 10 - "All you're missing is a photo of George Bush in the background." ANYWAY, on Thursday, the kids & I found ourselves near a photo studio, so we ran in & had a 4-Year Anniversary photo taken to commemorate that day back in 2005!

The Girls of Summer

Okay, living in the desert during the summer does have its benefits. For instance, the girls swim all day & all evening. My laundry load is at an all-time low & I don't have to bathe them every nite. Right or wrong, I am that mother who believes that chlorine kills almost everything.

PMS!!!!

I am using this blog to warn the public that I am suffering from a SEVERE case of PMS. Believe me, the heat-wave we are experiencing in the Valley is not helping my situation. OH, and the fact that I am trying to lose 10lbs. is not helping either. Oh the fun.... BTW, below is Bob's take on the situation:

Me: I have a horrible case of PMS.
BOB: You've had a bad case of PMS since 1972.
Me: What are you talking about? I wasn't born until 1976.
BOB: I know.

What the hell does that mean? He is a VERY brave man.

The Diet Begins....

Hello All! I am announcing to the world that I need to lose about 10lbs. Why? Because my bikini- bod is starting to resemble Kim Kardashian's & I don't have ass implants. Why am I telling you this? Because if I don't say it, I will never do it. I figure if I don't do it now, I will never do it & probably pack on 10 more. I need to knock off the carbs, including my precious Pinot Noir (who I will miss dearly). Weight loss is such a slippery-slope for me. Check-out the photos below: I am either way over-weight or way under-weight. But this time, I hope to get it right... At least that's what I'm aiming for - we will see.

We Have Reached A Milestone!

As I mentioned yesterday, we had a our new, SPOTLESS, carpet installed this morning... It is a breathtaking sight. So if you don't have kids, then what I am about to announce will not mean much to you... BUT, if you do have kids, especially a filthy, little juice-spilling 2-year old, who occasionally can't control the urge to pee or vomit on your carpet, then you will definitely appreciate this... Drum roll, please - Bob & I have reclaimed our master bedroom & bathroom. With the exception of napping, our room is now an "Adult-Only" zone. That's right, no more bath toys next to my razor, no more Barbie dolls hidden in my bed sheets - NADA! And while I hate to admit it, there is one more thing that has been banned from the room - Wine. I spilled A LOT of wine on the prior carpet (see horrific photo in the prior post).

Oh, and not to change the subject, but I just realized that I didn't post anything for Father's Day! So, I will now take a minute to pay tribute to my wonderful husband & the father of my two beautiful babies. When I asked Bob what has changed about his life since the arrival of our two little wild women, he responded as follows, "My life is better & happier and I don't want to die & miss seeing what these two are going to do." There you have it. I truly do hope that Angelina & Caroline come to realize how lucky they are - they have a loving daddy who works from home just so he can experience every single minute of their lives. He is there when they wake-up, he is there when they go to sleep & he is there for everything in-between. He lives to be a daddy & he is my best friend. He is the one who insisted we pick a female pediatrician, so the girls would know that doctors are women. He is the one who told Angelina that Stanford was where she belonged when she came to him & said she couldn't wait to go to Arizona State. AND, he is the man who talks about selling our house in 15 years, so we can follow the girls around when they are grown & on their own. Bob truly is one of a kind. Below are some photos of Bob & his babies from the early years...
Bob & Baby Angelina


Bob & Baby Caroline


Horsie By Day, Lawyer By Nite