Dear God, I'm Exhausted

Yes, it has been an extremely LONG time since I last posted. Halloween has come & gone and Thanksgiving is right around the corner. What's my excuse for being so behind in posting? I am exhausted, people. I know you're not going to believe this, BUT raising two little girls is turning out to be quite the time-consuming project. Here's what's happened since I last posted:

*** I have a NEW 2010 Toyota Sienna Mini-Van! That's right, I can no longer be confused with a neighborhood maid. I think I have now risen to the level of possible nanny!
*** I am on my 3rd round of Valtrex for my Shingles. BUT, I think I am finally on my way to a full recovery!
*** Angelina is taking ballet & Caroline is taking Tap & Jazz. Do you have any idea how much jazz shoes cost? WAY TOO MUCH!
*** We spent this past weekend taking the Polar Express to the North Pole to visit Santa. If you don't know what the Polar Express is, it is a children's book about a train that takes some kids to the North Pole. Anyway, the whole experience was extremely cheesy, but the kids had a fabulous time & Bob and I had two bottles of wine.
*** The kids got their H1N1 vaccines & receive their boosters this Friday. AND, no, the kids haven't exploded or anything... YET!

Get Comfortable, This Is A Long One! But A Good One....

I've said it before & I'll say it again, never ever tempt the universe by complaining, "things can't possibly get worse", because things can always get worse. So, about three weeks ago I woke up with a nasty patch of, well for lack of a better term, "CRAP" on my face. At first, I just figured I was experiencing an allergic reaction to something. So, I popped some benadryl. After that didn't work, I went to the doctor. Like always, the doctor was on vacation, so I had to see the nurse practitioner, who told me that I had a staph infection on my face. She prescribed a topical antibiotic cream. I used the cream religiously for about a week with absolutely no improvement. So, the day before we left for DisneyLand, the nurse practitioner called in an oral antibiotic. Again, no improvement. Well, the day after we got home from DisneyLand, my spinal cord started tingling & feeling like it was on fire. Then I realized what was going on - I am no stranger to that burning sensation - I had the same feeling when I had shingles back in 2005!!! Quick SideNote: Do you have any idea who gets the shingles? I'll tell you who - The elderly & those who have suffered a trauma. While I would classify my rest-stop incident with Angelina as traumatic (see previous post), I don't exactly think it qualifies as such on an objective scale.

Anyway, when I woke up the next morning, I made an appointment with a different doctor to discuss my shingles. BUT before going to the doctor, I had to pick up my mini-van from the Chrysler dealership, which I had dropped off the day before to have the "tail light situation" examined. I showed up at the dealership about 9:15, found a customer service representative & requested my car. The gentleman took down my name, left for about 5 minutes, came back & said, "Ma'am, you're car is not here". WTF? Really? Clearly, I disagreed with him & suggested that he look harder. After about 15 minutes, the Chrysler man returned & actually asked me the following question: "Are you sure you left your car here?" I may have two kids & I may be a little frazzled at times, but even I can't misplace a freakin' mini-van!!!! Finally, after about 30 minutes, a search team of 10 men located my Town & Country. Needless to say, when the doctor diagnosed me with shingles about an hour later & asked, "What are you so stressed about that you are getting shingles at your age?", I responded, "You have no idea." BUT wait, there's more!!!! The doctor prescribed me the anti-viral medication Valtrex to help speed up my recovery. You know, the cool drug that is always being advertised on TV to aid those horny folks suffering from genital herpes, who don't want to infect their partners. FYI - All of this chaos occurred on the same day as Angelina's school's "Fall Festival" - an event where I had to volunteer. When I dropped off my prescription at Walgreens & the lady asked when I needed the Valtrex, I told her that I needed it IMMEDIATELY because I had to get to a Fall Festival. I don't even want to know what type of booth she thought I was working....

I've Met Karma ... AND, It's True, She's A Bitch!

Okay, I am the first to admit that I have done some "not-so-nice" things to people in the past - hell, probably, within the last hour, BUT does karma always have to strike while I am on vacation?!?!?! As many of you know, we left for DisneyLand last Sunday. And because I am a responsible traveler, I took the mini-van in for an oil change & overall inspection the week before. Everything checked out fine. However, 5 minutes after leaving the house for Anaheim on Sunday morning, the freakin' tail lights went out. We had to turn-around & go home, with both kids screaming "this isn't the way to DisneyLand". We had to unload all of our crap from the mini-van & repack it in Bob's car. Let me tell you all the things wrong with traveling in Bob's car... First & most importantly, it is a car. You can't imagine how cramped it is traveling in a car with two little girls, who insist on packing two suitcases just for their American Girl dolls! AND, unlike my mini-van, Bob's car does not have a DVD player. Due to the lack of entertainment, Angelina & Caroline spent the entire 6 hour trip taunting each other, hitting each other, etc.

Fortunately, the actual time we spent at DisneyLand was fun. Sure it rained, but we're desert dwellers, so precipitation is always exciting for us. What wasn't fun, however, was the trip back home. Once again, the lack of a DVD player really screwed things up. While Caroline slept, Angelina stared & stared out the window until she became horribly car sick. After multiple complaints that she was going to throw-up, Bob pulled over at a rest-stop. I took Angelina into the restroom. But before we could get into a stall, Angelina puked all over the floor ... AND, all over my foot. Not a good day for wearing flip-flops, people!!! I had Angelina's breakfast all in-between my toes - No wait, it gets better - In preparation for round 2, Angelina ran into a stall & clutched the toilet seat with her bare hands. If you know me, then you know my kids touching a public toilet seat is my worst nightmare!!! While Angelina took a break from being sick, I decided to wash off my foot. Of course, two women had to walk in during my bath. There I stood, washing my foot in a public sink standing next to a large pile of vomit on the floor. Angelina was silent, behind closed doors, so it appeared that I was all alone. In all my 33 years, I don't think I have ever received such disapproving glares. All I could retaliate with was, "I'm a lawyer". I had to say something & that's all I could come up with... Uggghhh... There is absolutely no dignity to be found with this "mother gig".

But enuf about my traveling woes, below are some photos of us during happier times!!! And, yes, I am holding a glass of wine at DisneyLand!

I'm Back!

I know it's been quite some time since I last posted. Reason? I broke-up with my courage, aka Pinot Noir, about 3 weeks ago in an effort to drop some pounds for our upcoming DisneyLand trip. I have found that without my dear companion, I don't blog as much! AND no, I am not trying to lose weight to look good for Mickey Mouse - I am, however, trying to avoid a heat rash on my inner thighs - if you have walked around D'Land in the California heat, then you know what I am talking about. Luckily, the weight is gone & I have reunited with my precious Pinot Noir. AND speaking of break-ups, Caroline broke-up with Cade. Why? Unfortunately, I don't have any details - All Caroline will reveal is that Cade is "too much of a bad boy." Caroline informed me that the "wedding" with Tanner is back-on! Hope none of you returned that wedding gift you bought....

Onto more Mann Family news... As some of you may have seen on my FaceBook page, we put the girls in soccer - NOT GOOD. Bob & I never learn. For the past 3 years, every Fall, the girls beg to do soccer AND each time they hate it! They love buying the soccer shoes, soccer shorts, shin guards... What they don't love, however, is running around a field kicking a ball. Thank God we only have two more Mondays of soccer left & the whole fiasco will be over! We also only have two more gymnastics classes left - the girls have decided that they want to return to dance. Actually they decided they were tired of gymnastics the day after I paid over $300 to enroll them in the Fall Session. Mean Old Me is making them stick-it-out until the very end. Damn you, Dance Fever!!! You have no idea how much I am dreading the whole dance thing. I am sure you remember my insane experiences during last year's "dance season". Dear God, I need a glass of wine just thinking about it. Hold on, I am going to get one....

Now, I must address some heartbreaking news... As most of you know, Angelina started refusing to wear pants when she was 2 . For the past 4 years she has worn only dresses & skirts. Then, out of the blue last Monday before school, Angelina declared that she will no longer wear dresses. WTF?!?! First & foremost, I have a small fortune invested in dresses, size 6X. Secondly, who said what at school that made my innocent little dress wearing Angel self-conscious about wearing dresses? All you women out there know exactly what I am talking about. Some little girl said something bitchy to Angelina. Like any good Mother, I told Angelina that she looks beautiful in dresses & that some people have mommies who don't care what they wear or what they look like. THEN, I put Angelina in a skirt, dropped her off at school & made a mad-dash to the mall to stock up on skirts. Do I think you should buckle under peer pressure? Hell no, but I also remember what it is like to be a kid & I don't want my little girl to be unhappy. Luckily, Angelina & I struck the following deal: Angelina must wear a dress 2 days a week until she outgrows them!!! Believe me, if I could shove my butt into one of those Gymboree dresses, I would... Do you have any idea how much those freakin' dresses cost?!?! Well, I can tell you who doesn't know how much a Gymboree dress costs ... BOB. Poor man... Every time he starts talking about retiring at 65, I just laugh. Quick background info.: Bob is one of 4 boys. He has absolutely no idea what he is in for being the father of 2 girls: Prom dresses, wedding dresses, etc. Hell, the bra & tampon budget alone could have Bob working until he is 100!


Speaking of Bob, Caroline decided on Wednesday that she wanted her hair cut in a "bob". So, I took Caroline to the salon & had her hair whacked off. Below are some photos... Yes, I am still pulling her hair back & topping it off with a bow!!!

Where to Begin?

I think the title says it all - So much has happened since the last time I posted that I'm not sure where to start, but here goes:
Let me begin with some shocking new developments with respect to Caroline's love life. You may need to sit down for this one - Caroline broke up with Tanner. I think y'all remember the love affair that blossomed between these two cutie-pies during last year's preschool class. Did Caroline call Tanner or e-mail him to break the news? No, she just tells everyone that she "dumped" him... the poor guy doesn't even know. Why the break-up? Caroline has a new man in her life - Cade. Cade is a little blonde man in her current Pre-K class. AND, for all of you Texas Longhorns out there, his parents are both UT graduates. I know, I know, she has good taste. But back to the details.... Apparently, Caroline & Cade met during lunch. I know this because I overheard the following conversation between my children:

Caroline: Angelina, I have a new boyfriend & his name is Cade.

Angelina: How did you two meet?

Caroline: We met at lunch. He told a joke, I laughed... We made out a little bit and then, you know, we are boyfriend & girlfriend. (FYI- it was after the "made-out" part that I spit out my coffee & rushed
into the playroom).

Angelina: So, you aren't going to marry Tanner?

Caroline: You know that's right.... I broke up with him.

"WTF" is right!!!! Caroline is 4 not 24!!!! "Made out"????? Yes, I did ask Caroline what she meant by "made out". She got mad & said, "Oh Mom ....". I didn't press the issue because as soon as I make a big deal out of something, she talks about it non-stop. The last thing I need is for Caroline to be telling everyone that she is making out with another 4-year old!!! Brace yourself, it gets better. Quick SideNote: On Fridays, Bob or I bring the girls a special lunch, you know, like McDonald's or something. Anyway, last Friday, Bob brought a Happy Meal to Caroline for lunch. When he kneeled down to kiss Caroline good-bye, Cade shouted from across the room, "Hey, I'm her boyfriend". Needless to say, this was Bob's worst nightmare, realized about 13 years early. Poor Bob. I think it would be an understatement to say that he was irritated by the comment. He's not the only person who is frustrated. This morning, every time I tried to fix Caroline's hair she took off running - she kept yelling, "You don't need to fix my hair, Cade loves me just the way I am." Again, where is she coming up with this stuff????

Moving on from Caroline & onto Angelina. Angelina doesn't have a love-life, but she did finish reading "Little Women" this week. She is VERY proud of herself. She went to school & told all of her classmates that she read "Little Women" - AND every child she told just stared at her. Poor baby couldn't figure out why no one knew about "Little Women". You know, I tried to read that book once & stopped mid-way through... Angelina read the damn thing in 2 days. It kills me - she has absolutely no idea how intelligent she is or that she is different from the other kids her age. She is just a happy little girl and I hope to keep it that way!

Why, Baby Chippie, Why?

On Thursday nite, Caroline's school had "Parent Orientation Nite". It's basically a meeting where the teacher tells all of the parents the classroon rules & expectations for the year. Well, after stuffing my big a$$ into a teeny-tiny preschooler chair, and finding myself bored out of my mind, I began to look around the classroom for something interesting. Here's another case of "be careful what you wish for", because I definitely found something interesting - a wall covered in drawings that each child had made of his/her family. Underneath each drawing was a child's name. I immediately started panning the wall, trying to find Caroline's name, so I could see her portrait of our family. During my examination of the wall, I encountered some great artwork - you know, stick figure moms, dad, brothers, sisters. THEN, I discovered Caroline's masterpiece - NO mom, No dad, No sister - just a large drawing of a monkey with big, red lips & "My Family" written underneath it. WHY?!?!?!?!? I mean seriously, what in God's name possessed her to do that? As always when it comes to Caroline, after I got over my initial shock of her deed, I laughed. I wonder what the 3rd week of school will bring?

Baby Chippie, Please, Please Be Good!

The girls have been in school for exactly 9 days & already we have had to schedule a meeting with Baby Chippie's teacher. Why you ask? I'm really not sure how to phrase this, but Caroline enjoys "hiding" her smarts when in the company of teachers. It all started last year in preschool when her teacher was trying to assess her knowledge of the alphabet. The child has known the alphabet backwards & forwards for years, so Bob & I were stunned when her "1st Semester Report Card" stated that Caroline could only identify the letter "C". WTF? Confused beyond belief, we scheduled a parent/teacher conference. FYI: The teaching method used in the preschool class is something called "Zoo Phonics". Basically, each letter is paired with an animal whose name begins with that letter - Aly the Alligator, Bubba the Bear, Catarina the Cat, etc. Well, according to Caroline's teacher, when she showed Caroline the letter "A" & asked her to make its sound, she made an alligator noise... With "B", Caroline growled like a bear & with "C" she meowed like a cat. The teacher explained that Caroline found the whole thing quite amusing. When we got home from the meeting, Bob & I sat Caroline down & gave her the "You're A Big Girl Now" speech. AND, before school started this year, I reminded Caroline that while school is a fun place, it also a place where learning is taken seriously. Like any good child, Caroline shook her head up & down & promised to cooperate with her teachers. Like any gullible mother, I looked into her big brown eyes & believed her.

So on Monday after school, as I was emptying Caroline's back-pack, I discovered a piece of paper from class where she had practiced writing her name. There was a big stamp across the top of the paper that read "Super Job". "Super Job" - I don't think so! The writing on the page was the worst rendition of Caroline's name I have ever seen. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Damn, Emily, the child is only 4 years old... GET A GRIP." I know she is only 4, but I also know that she can write her name very clearly. So, I asked Caroline to sit down & write her name for me. She did. Please, check out the comparison photos below... You see what I am talking about?

The next morning when we dropped Caroline off at school, I advised the teacher that Caroline can, in fact, write her name. That's when the teacher revealed this little gem. Apparently, the day before, the teacher advised Caroline that altho her letter "N" looked like an "N", she was not drawing it in the proper way. Caroline responded, "Well, this is the way I draw my "N's". When the teacher told Caroline that she needed to draw her "N's" in the correct way, Caroline became very irritated & snapped, "Well then, I guess I need to find a new school."

FABULOUS! Needless to say, I scheduled a parent/teacher conference, so that we could clear up the handwriting situation. Because I have a tendency to go apeshit when it comes to these types of things, Bob went alone & met with Caroline's teacher. Bob reported that she was quite surprised to see Caroline's real handwriting. What are we going to do with Baby Chippie? Love her.

EXHIBIT 1

EXHIBIT 2

The Last 24 Hours....

Yesterday afternoon, as I was backing out of the garage, I ran into the side of the garage. As a result, the back-end of my mini-van now has a big-ass dent in it. When I alerted Bob to the situation, he shook his head & laughed out loud. He tried to make me feel better by pointing out that the back of the mini-van now matches the front of the mini-van (See previous blog posts - I have also had my fair share of front-end "incidents") That poor car - having me as a driver has not been a good experience for it. What's worse is that I now look like a freakin' maid. I know it's terrible to say (AND I know this because Bob told me it was horrible to say), but every time I see a beat-up mini-van parked around here, the occupants are servicing someone's home. You know, the last year Angelina was at El Dorado, I overheard the teacher walking her to our car at the end of the day say, "Oh look, your nanny came to pick you up this afternoon." Real nice... Anyway, things didn't get much better when nite time rolled around. Sending Angelina off to "Sleepy Town" was a piece-of-cake... Unfortunately, getting Caroline to bed proved to be quite the ordeal. To avoid telling you a really long story, I will condense it ~ Caroline over-dosed on spaghetti, fruit chews & chocolate milk, so when it was time to go to bed, instead of peacefully closing her eyes & drifting off to sleep, she puked ALL over the place. So at 9pm last nite, I found myself washing sheets, washing Caroline's hair, etc. Luckily, everyone got a good nite's sleep & went on to have a great day at school. Needless to say, I am ready for bed & it's only 6:30!

Blast From The Past!

Not that I pride myself on being 100% up-to-date on current events around the world, but Angelina is about 69 years off the mark when it comes to current events. About a month ago, she became fascinated with a series of books about a little girl during WWII. Apparently, this little girl collects bottle caps to help the Allies. Well since reading these books, one thing has become very apparent about our little "Genius" - she has absolutely no concept of time. Why do I say this? Because Angelina is currently collecting bottle caps to help the Allies. That's right folks, Angelina is bound & determined to defeat Hitler. You can't begin to imagine how many bottle caps this child has collected. Bob & I don't have the heart to tell her that the Axis Powers have already been taken care of ... It's only a matter of time before she spear-heads a bottle cap collection drive at school. I can see it now - People will just assume that she is trying to garner support for our troops in the Middle East & the bottle caps will pour in by the hundreds. Then one day, someone will ask "the" question & Angelina's answer will reveal that she is, in fact, trying to stop the Nazis, not Al-Qaeda. This whole thing makes me long for the days when she was convinced she was Cinderella... Aaahhh, things were so simple then.

Back To School!

So, Monday was the 1st day of school for both Angelina & Caroline! I swear that first day back is better than Christmas. New dresses, backpacks & lunch boxes for the girls - a clean house & some much needed down-time for me. Now for the details! Because the girls' schools start & end at the same time, I was extremely anxious about getting everyone where they needed to be AND on time. Thank God we live so close to both schools because the parking situation was an absolute nightmare. Not that walking to school in 100 degree heat is enjoyable, but it clearly beats trying to find a parking space while watching the minutes tick, tick away until the final bell rings!!! With respect to Caroline's drop-off, we could have abandoned her in the school parking lot & left. The child would have wondered into school, settled into a 3rd grade class & never thought twice about the entire thing. In fact, on Tuesday, she begged & pleaded with Bob & I NOT to walk her into the school gates- she kept yelling "Halt ... I don't need you, I know where to go". To her extreme disappointment, school policy mandates that I sign her in at the classroom, AND besides, who the hell doesn't walk their 4-year old into school!?! Now onto Angelina's drop-off. Well for as much as Caroline is indifferent, Angelina is sensitive. While she didn't need to hold my hand, she did need me to blow kisses at her as she disappeared into the school building.

Now, onto the pick-up. Luckily, my parents volunteered to pick Caroline up from school, so I could figure out the "car pick-up" situation at Grayhawk. This is the deal: Last year at kindergarten pick-up, Angelina's teacher physically placed her in our car. BUT this year, at the "big kid" pick-up, all of the children in grades 1-6 gather in one big loading zone & hop into their cars. Anyway, I arrived at the loading zone early & took great pride in being the 3rd car in line. Well, when 3 o'clock rolled around, Angelina was nowhere to be found. In fact, no parent in the pick-up car line waiting for a 1st grader could find their child. After about 5 minutes, I got out of my car, approached the principal who was overseeing the pick-up process & reported that Angelina was MIA. Talk about freaking out... I knew Angelina was somewhere, but the thought of her panicking & thinking I had forgotten to pick her up was enuf to make me throw-up! Turns out that the 1st grade teachers decided to hold-back all of their students until the older kids were gone, so that the little ones wouldn't feel intimidated. Unfortunately, none of the 1st grade moms received that memo!!!

So by the time Angelina & I arrived home I was feeling guilty for being late for Caroline's big arrival home. As soon as we walked in the door, I asked Caroline how her first day of school went. Caroline responded with, "You don't need to know that". WTF? I tried to bribe her with fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies, BUT she still refused to tell me anything - she just kept saying, "You don't need to know". Well despite Caroline's refusal to divulge any details, I did manage to uncover one tidbit: Neither kid peed at school (BTW, my Mother is cringing right now b/c I didn't use the word "tinkle"). Can you imagine going from 9 until 3 without peeing? Well enuf talk... Below are some photos from the 1st day of school... Are my girls beautiful or what?

Surprise!

Wow! My life since Friday has been full of surprises. So, my weekend started off with a party. Sounds like a fun way to begin, right? Think again. I arrived at the party on time, however, the individual hosting the shindig showed up nearly 40 minutes late - almost 40 minutes late for her own freakin' party. The reason for the extreme tardiness? I have no idea because no reason or apology was given. But wait, it gets better. While I stood around waiting with the other guests, the owner of the venue approached me & asked for the total head count with respect to the guest list. WTF??? How the hell was I supposed to know... And that's basically the answer I gave. THEN, she complained that she left a message for the host regarding the final guest list & never received a call-back. Neat. That's right "Neat". That's really all I have to say about the situation because I cannot find the words to adequately express just how offended I am by the whole thing. How is it that I am continually shocked & surprised by people's complete lack of manners, respect, etc?


Okay, now for some more interesting surprises. On Saturday evening, while preparing dinner for a family BBQ, I whacked off the top of my pinky finger while peeling potatoes. I have never seen so much blood in my entire life. Holy Crappers, it was incredible. My Dad & I drove to Walgreens to purchase gauze & heavy duty band-aids. On the way home, I bled thru my jumbo paper towel wrap all over the interior of my parents' car. My poor Dad spent the next 20 minutes in our driveway trying to remove the blood stains because, as he explained, he didn't want to become the main suspect on a 48 Hours Mystery if I died (clearly someone is watching way too much of the Investigation Discovery Channel). My Mother tried to convince me to go in for stitches, but I refused. I have found in my 33 years that there are few things in life that excessive amounts of Motrin & Pinot Noir can't fix. After about 6 hours, the bleeding finally stopped. Hopefully, the top of my finger will grow back. For those of you who know, I barely have hands, so every little bit makes a huge difference. BUT, one more thing ... While I was waiting for my blood to clot, I was wondering around the house doing "Mom" things, when I happened to walk by the playroom, where I witnessed Caroline vigourously shaking the gerbil cage & yelling, "EARTHQUAKE, EARTHQUAKE ". You know, looking back, I seriously suspect that "Chocolate" the gerbil committed suicide.


I will now end this post with something completely random - A video of Caroline at Tuey & Pappa's house, entitled "A Rat Came Into The House".

Hey Babies, Where Did You Go?!?

Do you realize that school starts on August 17th? Where the hell did the summer go? But more importantly, where did my babies go? Over past 2 1/2 months my "babies" have morphed into "kids". Case in point - I have spent several hours a week over the past 4 years sitting in hallways, waiting for one or both of my children to emerge from lessons. Why did I stay? Well, what if someone got hurt OR even worse - what if Angelina or Caroline had to pee & neglected to put down the toilet seat safeguard, sanitary sheet?!?! Oh the horror! But times are a changin' for me. I am happy (and maybe even a little sad) to report that last Tuesday, I dropped the girls off at gymnastics, ran to the grocery store, went home to unload & then returned to pick them up. What's even more shocking is that it wasn't my idea. Angelina overheard me complaining to Bob about having to grocery shop so late in the afternoon after gymnastics, so she suggested I go to the store while she & Caroline were in class. To Caroline's disappointment, I escorted them into the building & waited for them to enter class before leaving. Caroline actually requested that I drop them off at the curb! WTF?!?!

Thank God that amidst all of the change I have witnessed this summer, one thing has remained the same - both Angelina & Caroline continue to shock me with the things that come out of their mouths. Below are few recent quotes from the Princess.

* So, we were all in the pool yesterday when a bee came flying by Caroline. When Caroline started to panic & flail around, Angelina yelled, "Caroline ignore it, you know like we do Mommy & it will go away"! I know they don't listen to me all of the time, but I certainly didn't know that it was part of a "strategy"....

* Before bed last nite, I asked Angelina which boys from her kindergarten class she was hoping to see in her 1st grade class this year. Angelina answered, "Evan". She went onto explain, "Evan chased me a lot at recess. And when the boys didn't chase me, I would tell them to." When Angelina encountered a blank stare & awkward silence from me, she advised, "Well, you know, only because it's good exercise."

* A couple of weeks ago, while we were waiting to be seated at a restaurant, Angelina leaned over & told me, "Mom, Mom, I don't think I can hold it." A little irritated, I told her to calm down & pointed to the ladies room sign. That's when she snapped, "No, no, not that... I'm feeling the urge to turn into a cheetah & I don't think I can fight it."

* As you can tell from the photos I post, Angelina & I look nothing alike. Sometimes I think it bothers her that Caroline looks a lot like me. So the other day, as I was staring at Angelina, I noticed that she might actually have my nose. Thinking that such a similiarity would make her happy, I said, "Hey, Angelina, I think you might have Mommy's nose". Unfortunately, her response was, "Great, I am going to have a huge nose".

Crap On A Stick!

Okay, this story involves neither crap nor a stick, but is nevertheless interesting. So the gerbil drama did not end with the freezing of Blondie's body. BTW, it was rather interesting to return from our trip & find Blondie nestled between a frozen pizza & a bag of spinach. Good thing we didn't die on the trip back home, someone would have looked in my freezer & thought I was too cheap to buy hamburger! Anyway, remember awhile back when Blackie & Blondie escaped from their cage during the nite & Blackie was batted to death by the cats & Blondie lost her tail? Well, after Blondie recovered from her tail injury, we purchased Blackie Part II, so Blondie wouldn't be lonely. So after Caroline performed the ceremonial tossing of Blondie's body into the garbage bin (see photo), the girls & I traveled to PetSmart in search of a new companion for Blackie. Caroline & Angelina picked out a little brown cutie & named her "Chocolate". When we got home, we put Chocolate in the cage with Blackie. Unlike our previous experience with integrating gerbils, they didn't fight or chase each other. Well, two hours later, when I went into the playroom to check on the gerbils, I was stunned to discover that Chocolate was MIA. Initially Bob made fun of me, since Blackie was still in the cage & all of the doors & latches on the cage were locked. BUT, after sticking his hand in the cage & performing a thorough examination of the gerbil premises, Bob agreed that Chocolate had somehow managed to escape. We locked the cats in our room & began searching the house. After about 30 minutes & a glass of wine (who am I kidding? 2 glasses of wine... EACH), Bob decided to rummage thru the cage one more time. That's when Bob dug up Chocolate's very bloody body. That's right, Blackie ate Chocolate. OOOOOhhhh the drama... Angelina howled & howled - Caroline, on the otherhand, shrugged her shoulders & exhibited extreme irritation with Angelina's expression of grief. In fact, Caroline was so irritated that she tried to slap the hysteria out of Angelina. To everyone's disappointment, the slap just made Angelina scream louder & resulted in Caroline being put in time-out. Anyway, the next morning, the girls & I returned to PetSmart with our receipt, which guaranteed us a brand new, breathing gerbil, if the originally purchased gerbil kicked it. I presented the first teenage, acne-stricken, sales associate I encountered with our receipt & requested a new gerbil. That's when Miss High School Reject 2009 advised me that she needed to see Chocolate's body in order honor my request. WTF?!?! It's a freakin' gerbil, not Michael Jackson! Of course, I asked to speak with the manager - I informed Mr. Manager there was no way in hell I was going to dig for the body of a dead gerbil, which sat overnite in an outdoor garbage bin, in 100 degree heat. It didn't hurt that Caroline looked up at the man, and with her big, brown eyes, muttered, "Mister, my gerbie is dead". To make an incredibly long story a little less long - we bought a new gerbil named "Cutie". Blackie Part II seems to like her - and by "seems to like her", I mean that Blackie Part II has yet to eat her.

Hello Again!

Has it been a long time or what??? So, we left for the mountains last Wednesday to escape the horrific heat - we were supposed to be back in Scottsdale today... BUT, as we were driving home this morning, we passed a cheesy, western ranch/resort. Angelina saw a sign advertising horse rides for little kids, so we pulled over. I think all of you know that Angelina has a bizarre obsession with horses. Anyway, for $16.00 the girls got to ride two little ponies around in a circle for about 5 minutes. While Bob was gone investigating the resort, the girls & I took a tour of the horse stables. When the tour guide stopped to show us the ranch's prized stallion, Caroline pointed at the horse's private parts & made some loud, inappropriate comments. Thank you, Baby Chippie. After the tour, the girls begged to have lunch at the "Wild Women Saloon" - Fitting name, right? And because Bob & I are push-overs & scared to death of the 115 degree temperatures in the valley, we got a room at the ranch for the nite.

BUT NOW, some very sad news.... According to our next-door-neighbor's son - the one taking care of our zoo while we are away - Blondie the Gerbil has left us for the big running wheel in the sky! So sad... We haven't told the girls yet. We instructed Nicholas to place Blondie in a ziploc bag & toss him in the freezer... The kids will definitely want to say "good-bye" & look at him one last time!

Introducing Angelina As Sarah Palin

4th of July Flashback!

I remember it like it was yesterday, the week leading up to July 4th, 2005. I made an appointment to have the girls' portrait taken. I loaded up the girls & my parents and headed off to the mall. Angelina had a total melt-down & refused to sit for the photographer. We tried to calm her down by buying her a huge cup of chocolate ice-cream, which she then proceeded to drip all over her dress. By the time Angelina was ready to have her picture taken, her dress (which matched Caroline's dress) was filthy. Because the girls had to match, I ran into the closest store, which happened to be Old Navy, to buy two NEW dresses. To my horror, the only similiar looking dresses I could find were these over-the-top 4th of July outfits. AND of course, when we returned to the photo studio they couldn't squeeze us in. By the time we found a photo studio that had time for us, we had been at the mall for 6 freakin' hours. I remember my Dad asking how many times a year I planned on having the kids picture taken!!! I also remember Bob's reaction when he first looked at the 8 x 10 - "All you're missing is a photo of George Bush in the background." ANYWAY, on Thursday, the kids & I found ourselves near a photo studio, so we ran in & had a 4-Year Anniversary photo taken to commemorate that day back in 2005!

The Girls of Summer

Okay, living in the desert during the summer does have its benefits. For instance, the girls swim all day & all evening. My laundry load is at an all-time low & I don't have to bathe them every nite. Right or wrong, I am that mother who believes that chlorine kills almost everything. So, below are some photos of my beautiful little girls.

PMS!!!!

I am using this blog to warn the public that I am suffering from a SEVERE case of PMS. Believe me, the heat-wave we are experiencing in the Valley is not helping my situation. OH, and the fact that I am trying to lose 10lbs. is not helping either. Oh the fun.... BTW, below is Bob's take on the situation:

Me: I have a horrible case of PMS.
BOB: You've had a bad case of PMS since 1972.
Me: What are you talking about? I wasn't born until 1976.
BOB: I know.

What the hell does that mean? He is a VERY brave man.

The Diet Begins....

Hello All! I am announcing to the world that I need to lose about 10lbs. Why? Because my bikini- bod is starting to resemble Kim Kardashian's & I don't have ass implants. Why am I telling you this? Because if I don't say it, I will never do it. I figure if I don't do it now, I will never do it & probably pack on 10 more. I need to knock off the carbs, including my precious Pinot Noir (who I will miss dearly). Weight loss is such a slippery-slope for me. Check-out the photos below: I am either way over-weight or way under-weight. But this time, I hope to get it right... At least that's what I'm aiming for - we will see.

1997

2006

We Have Reached A Milestone!

As I mentioned yesterday, we had a our new, SPOTLESS, carpet installed this morning... It is a breathtaking sight. So if you don't have kids, then what I am about to announce will not mean much to you... BUT, if you do have kids, especially a filthy, little juice-spilling 2-year old, who occasionally can't control the urge to pee or vomit on your carpet, then you will definitely appreciate this... Drum roll, please - Bob & I have reclaimed our master bedroom & bathroom. With the exception of napping, our room is now an "Adult-Only" zone. That's right, no more bath toys next to my razor, no more Barbie dolls hidden in my bed sheets - NADA! And while I hate to admit it, there is one more thing that has been banned from the room - Wine. I spilled A LOT of wine on the prior carpet (see horrific photo in the prior post).

Oh, and not to change the subject, but I just realized that I didn't post anything for Father's Day! So, I will now take a minute to pay tribute to my wonderful husband & the father of my two beautiful babies. When I asked Bob what has changed about his life since the arrival of our two little wild women, he responded as follows, "My life is better & happier and I don't want to die & miss seeing what these two are going to do." There you have it. I truly do hope that Angelina & Caroline come to realize how lucky they are - they have a loving daddy who works from home just so he can experience every single minute of their lives. He is there when they wake-up, he is there when they go to sleep & he is there for everything in-between. He lives to be a daddy & he is my best friend. He is the one who insisted we pick a female pediatrician, so the girls would know that doctors are women. He is the one who told Angelina that Stanford was where she belonged when she came to him & said she couldn't wait to go to Arizona State. AND, he is the man who talks about selling our house in 15 years, so we can follow the girls around when they are grown & on their own. Bob truly is one of a kind. Below are some photos of Bob & his babies from the early years...
Bob & Baby Angelina


Bob & Baby Caroline


Horsie By Day, Lawyer By Nite

Hello Again!!!!

Well folks, it's been awhile - I must say that I am shocked & surprised by how busy my days have become since these nutjob kids got out for summer vacation. It turns out that when they are both home all day, they actually expect me to get off my ass & do a whole bunch of stuff with them. I kid, I kid ... Anway, below are some Mann Family highlites from the past week.

Gymnastics: With the final dance recital behind us, I enrolled the girls in gymnastics. They are loving it. In fact, they love it so much that they are seriously considering hanging up their dancin' shoes. Unfortunately for Angelina, this past week, her enthusiasm for gingerly propelling herself into a backward roll resulted in a black eye & bruised cheek-bone. She flipped herself back with so much momentum that her knee flew right into her face. You should have heard the screaming & the moaning! When the child dances, she has the grace of an angel... When it comes to gymnastics, however, her limbs kind of fly around & if she's lucky, she moves her head just in time. Surely her coordination will improve with time... right? Between me & you, I am keeping those ballet shoes in a nice, safe place. AND, yes, the girls are sportin' hot pants.



The Grayhawk ShitHead: Before I get into the latest saga in my life, let me share with you a little background information. We live in a great North Scottsdale community called Grayhawk. We purposely moved here because of the great schools, great people, etc. BUT in recent months, our particular subdivision has been experiencing some vandalism (toilet papering, eggs, "shit bombs"). In fact, our poor neighbors had so many toilet paper rolls thrown into their pool that it broke the pool pump. Well, this past Friday nite, about 10:30, our door bell rang. When Bob & I went outside, our house was covered in toilet paper, silly string AND the icing on the cake - someone peed on my front door. To make an incredibly LONG story shorter, the toilet papering, shit-bomb throwing, front-door peer has been identified & is currently the subject of a Scottdale PD investigation. AND, yes, he is the child of one of our dear neighbors (and by "dear neighbors", I mean inconsiderate, irresponsible, jack-asses who choose not to supervise their child). If it were up to me, I would just go pee on their door.... Don't worry, Bob has repeatedly explained to me that we cannot resolve this matter in that way.

The Remodel: On a much happier note, my crappy master bedroom will not be crappy much longer. We started gutting & remodeling the house about 2 years ago & the only two things that remain are my master bedroom and bath. Check out the photos of my carpet... I'm not exactly sure what those stains are, but here are some possibilities: wine, throw-up, some form of food and/or pee. It truly is tragic. The painters were here on Monday & the new carpet is being installed tomorrow. THANK GOD!


Altho my life was quite busy this past week with the girls' lessons, the remodel, etc., I still managed to find time to make a complete ass out of myself. Here goes: About once a week, I make a trip to SuperWalmart to buy those household items that I refuse to pay almost double for at my regular grocery store. About 1/2 the time, I get the same lady at the check-out stand - let's call her "Jane". Now, over the past 7 months I have watched Jane's stomach steadily expand. Not in a fat,rolly way, but in a taunt, pregnant way. I've never said anything to her about it, but as I stood in line this past Friday, I noticed that her pants were unzipped. I thought about saying, "Hey, your zipper's down", but then I thought, "times are hard, maybe she is trying to make her regular pants last as long as possible & can't afford to buy maternity pants." So, when it was my turn & as Jane was scanning my jumbo pack of toilet paper, I asked, "When are you due"? Jane put down the toilet paper, looked me right in the eyes & said, "I'm NOT pregnant." Talk about being speechless... WTF? Did I insult her? Yes. Did I pray that the ground would open up & swallow me? Yes. Do I think this woman is going to end up as the star of TLC's "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"? Absolutely. Look, I know when I see a pregnant person...

I'm Not Dead...

I can't believe I haven't posted in so long... Things have been a little crazy around here lately, but I promise to post within the next couple of days!

A Star Is Born!

June 13th will forever be a magical day in the Mann family - today, Caroline made her first stage debut! And altho Bob was supposed to be in North Carolina until Tuesday, he caught a 6am flight back to Phoenix & made it just in time to see his baby shake & shimmy her little heart out. In fact, baby Caroline put on such a passionate performance that she brought Tuey to tears. We couldn't have been more proud. Thank God, my fears regarding the studio's ability to follow-thru with the recital were wrong!

Out Of Sight, BUT Definitely NOT Out Of Mind!

On Wednesday morning, Bob left the girls & I once more for North Carolina ... The airport scene was so sad. Angelina howled & cried - Caroline, on the otherhand, got really irritated with Angelina's non-stop sobbing & kept asking if Angelina was going to do "this" all night. Once Angelina finally stopped crying, Caroline started singing the following little ditty: "Someone's Daddy left for North Carolina and he's not coming baaaaccckkk." Of course, this triggered additional moaning & crying from Angelina & when I told Caroline to knock it off, she informed me that she was singing a song about some other kid's dad & the whole thing was just a mere "coincidence". Anyway, given the drama surrounding Bob's last trip to North Carolina, I made the wise decision to bring in some help this go-around - That's right, TUEY is staying at our house. The lady successfully entertains the girls for hours & hours AND they like her a hell of a lot more than they like me! My Mother is definitely one-of-a-kind. For the girls' birthdays this year, Tuey & Pappa bought them American Girl dolls ... AND, to ensure a totally fun experience, Pappa ordered Tuey her own American doll. So, all three of them sit in the playroom together, playing with their dolls. But since arriving at our house, the fun has not been limited to playing with dolls. Tuey has shown the girls how to apply mascara & curl their eyelashes with one of those mid-evil torture devices. But neither dolls nor mascara have been her greatest contribution - Tuey brought the girls the movie, "Kit Kittredge". In case you have never seen this movie (and somehow I doubt you have), it is about a little girl growing up during the Great Depression. She writes newspaper articles about her town's day-to-day struggles & eventually ends up with a published article about her own family's tragedies & triumphs. Well, when Caroline & I arrived home from today's dance rehearsal, we found Angelina going door-to-door handing out copies of her newspaper. That's right, for about two hours this afternoon, Little Angelina was Kitt Kittredge. Below is a copy of Angelina's newspaper. AND because we have such wonderful neighbors, they called & left messages for Angelina, telling her how touched they were by her article.

Love Makes Everything Better...

For the past three years, Caroline has had to endure being the tag-a-long kid. Since she popped out in March 2005, the poor child has been forced to suffer thru Angelina's many dance lessons, technical rehearsals, dress rehearsals, recital photo shoots, and recitals lasting in excess of 2 hours. And thru it all, Caroline has been a real trooper. In 2008, she persevered through the Mommy & Me ballet/tap class that was not chosen to perform at the recital. BUT 2009 was slated to be Caroline's year to shine. She has attended every dance class since August - she has rehearsed "Hip Hop Teddy Bear" (the tap number) & "Fairy Ballerina" (the ballet number) so many times that she can do the routines in her sleep. The big performance is next Saturday & sadly, this past Tuesday, Caroline's beloved dance teacher quit. The owner of the studio took over the class, but Caroline was understandably disappointed. Altho no one will disclose the details surrouding the teacher's sudden departure, I have a gnawing suspicion that the studio is not making payroll. Needles to say, I am a little worried (to put it mildly) that next Saturday's performance will not happen. I am trying to be optimistic & keeping my fingers crossed, but the down-economy, especially the failing real-estate market, is killing everything in Scottsdale. I definitely have empathy for the dance studio's owners - keeping a business afloat that depends upon families' expendable income is damn near impossible to do around here. Anyway, today was Caroline's group photo-shoot for the recital. Caroline was so excited because today was finally her chance to have HER photo taken. For once, she wasn't just tagging along, she was the ONE who had something to do. I did her hair & make-up, packed up her costumes & even arrived at the studio early to snag a good spot in the dressing room. Well, only one other child from the class showed up - as a result, there was no "group" photo. AND it's not hard to understand why so many people opted not to participe in the shoot - the photography studio set outrageous prices for the portraits. Anyway, please say a little prayer tonite that Caroline gets to make her big stage debut next Saturday!

Luckily, Baby Chippie's day had a happy ending. Caroline's boyfriend, Little Tanner, had his 4th Birthday Bash this afternoon. I can honestly say that I have never seen Caroline so excited. She picked out her swimsuit, her hair-bows, etc... As you can see from the photos below, Caroline shared a very special afternoon with the love of her life!

So Far, So Good....

As many of you know, my feelings regarding summer vacation were a mix of joy & fear. Keep in mind that summer in Scottsdale is like winter in the Midwest. Unless you're swimming, you are pretty much stuck in the house with the kids due to the unbearable heat until September. But I must admit, the girls & I have had a fabulous time so far. I mean we can't rule out the possibility that I will be committed to a mental health facility by early July, but Angelina & Caroline are finally at great ages - they don't run from me in stores, they behave like civilized human beings at the movies, etc... AND they're not embarrassed to be seen with me - yet - so I don't have to drag them places. Altho the ride has been shockingly smooth thus far, there have been some interesting encounters along the way:

Thursday: Bright & early at 7:30 am, Caroline received an e-mail from her boyfriend, Tanner. The e-mail read as follows:

Caroline,
I love you very much because uhhh I love you

and you are so gorgeous and gentle. I miss you.
Love, Tanner

Okay, Caroline is 4 years old. I didn't receive an e-mail like that until I was 24. WTF?!?! Oh well, I guess when you got "it", you got "it". And "gentle"? She attacks Angelina like a WWF wrestler on a daily basis! Anyway, Caroline was pretty much speechless when Angelina read the e-mail to her. She is attending Tanner's 4th birthday party on Saturday - the whole birthday party thing is probably just a ruse to lure Caroline to Tanner's house for surf & turf by candle lite.

Friday: Let me start by saying that I have NEVER bought my children "play" make-up. Seriously, I don't know any sane person with carpet and/or furniture who would buy red lipstick & blue eyeshadow for their 4 & 6 year olds. Wait a minute - I do know someone that would do something so outrageous - MY MOTHER!!!! Until this past Friday, I had successfully managed to hide the "Tuey Make-Up Supply" from the girls. But with nowhere to be & time on their hands, Angelina & Caroline snooped their way into my secret hiding place. Below is a photo of their make-up artistry. Pretty classy stuff, huh? After painting their faces, they dressed up in costumes. When I asked if I could play, Caroline responded that she was the princess, & Angelina was the Queen - then she graciously offered me the role of "NutJob". As enticing as being a "NutJob" sounds, I turned down the role & cleaned the bathrooms instead.

Saturday: Okay, I have not had a girls nite out on the town in almost 3 years. So when a good friend invited me to join her & some girlfriends for drinks at a new Scottsdale nightclub, I jumped at the chance to go. With nothing to wear, I took a trip to the mall in search of an outfit - with the kiddos in tow. After locating a dress to try on, the girls & I entered dressing room area & claimed the only vacant room. So, I put on the dress & asked "How does Mommy look"? I think you know where this is going. Caroline made the following comment: "Oooohh, Mommy, that dress makes your boobies look fat... You are one hot, red-blooded Mama"! While this comment left me speechless & bug-eyed, it successfully engendered loud laughter from the other ladies in the dressing room. Needless to say, after receiving such a rave review from Caroline, I bought the dress. Now, onto my actual nite out. First let me start by saying that only one thing has changed about the club/bar scene - ME - I am old. AND responsible - I left twice to call home & check on everyone. Oh, and during one of my many trips to the bathroom (after having two kids, my bladder isn't what it used to be), I actually ran into the neighborhood "porn star" & this time she formally introduced herself with a handshake. Given the rumors around here, it was like shaking hands with Big Foot. I have mentioned her on my blog before, but just to recap, we have a real live, walking/talking porn star living in our little Grayhawk community. Anyway, the wine was good & I really enjoyed spending time with some fabulous friends. BUT, I didn't get home until 1am & I am almost always asleep by 10. AND, of course, Caroline was up at 6:45! It has taken me 3 days to recover from the fatigue. From now on, I think I will stick to drinking wine at home with the family between the hours of 5 & 9... Oh, who am I kidding - between the hours of 3 & 9.

Pomp & Circumstance

Attention Everyone: Angelina is officially a 1st Grader! Yesterday morning at 8:55 a.m., I dropped my Kindergartner off at school & at 12:15, I picked up a 1st Grader. I must say that the school year went by really fast. So fast that Angelina isn't ready for it to be over. In fact, when I told her she didn't have school again until August, she stuck out her bottom lip, folded her arms and huffed & puffed "That's so unfair". Oh to be young again! Below is a photo of our little graduate ... Yeah, I have no idea why these two are dressed like this ...

Oops!

Before I convey to you today's sad, sad story, I must provide you with one key piece of information. When I awoke this morning, I threw on a one-piece, strapless dress - you know, the kind you can just pull up & on ... Okay, proceed - with caution!

I am ashamed to report that today, Angelina's imperfect mother tarnished her perfect attendance record. The poor child, who prides herself on being perfect 100% of the time, who has exactly 1/2 a day of school left, was ... okay, brace yourself ... TARDY!!! To be exact, she was 1 minute late for school. Not a big deal in my book, but like an entire chapter in Angelina's book. Not to pass the buck, but we left for school at the same time we do everyday - we just couldn't find any parking for some unknown reason. Now, onto the real tragedy. When I eventually found a parking space, I knew we were running late... my pulse was racing... All I could think about was the look on poor, little Angelina's face when she had to ask the front office for a late slip. I jumped out of the car, grabbed Angelina's backpack, lunch box & purse - There I stood in the school parking lot, surrounded by mothers & children making their way into school... There I stood, griping at the girls to hurry up & get out of the car... In fact, I was so busy hurrying everyone up that I didn't realize I was standing in the school parking lot with my dress, down around my waist. Don't worry - I had a bra on! I must say, I found it very touching the way neither Angelina nor Caroline alerted me to the fact that my dress had fallen down. So many questions come to mind as I recall this incident. First & foremost - how is it that I didn't notice that I no longer had a top on?!?! I mean really, has it come to that point? Anyway, because I was holding so much stuff, I couldn't free my hands up to pull my dress back up. I had to get back into the car, put down all of Angelina's stuff & then pull up my top. Needless to say, Starbucks didn't exactly have the beverage that I needed this morning at 9am... Good nite!

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

This past week was a hectic one! Bob's workload was out-of-control, and as a result, I was forced to play lawyer. Between actually helping Bob and complaining about having to help Bob, I didn't get a chance to post. Needless to say, I am very happy that this weekend is a long one. I am also very happy that Angelina is out for summer vacation on Wednesday - rushing around in the mornings AND trying to keep Caroline entertained (her school ended last week) is getting to be a tadbit old. So in preparation (and out of fear) for the next two months, Bob & I spent the day installing a mini-fridge & a computer in the girls' playroom. I should probably be concerned that Angelina & Caroline have been in the playroom, playing on the internet for the past two hours - with the door locked - but I am enjoying the peace & quiet way too much. They actually took it upon themselves to stock the mini-fridge with applesauce, juice-boxes & popsicles. Bob said it's the dorm room he always wanted. OKAY, I just now got off the phone with my Mother, who explained why Angelina stocked her mini-fridge with applesauce. Apparently, Angelina advised my Mother that she is "cutting down" on her daily dose of pasta & replacing it with applesauce because she is constipated. Who knew!

Anyway, before I go, I would like to share with you a quote from the constipated Princess. Last nite, Angelina requested that Bob tell her a bedtime story. Bob, being a man, spared Angelina the "Once upon a time" princess story... Instead, he shared a hunting story from his youth. After the story was over, Angelina advised Bob as follows: "You know, Daddy, you should always hunt a nocturnal animal during the day because it is much easier to shoot an animal when it is sleeping." Mental Note: Do not get on Angelina's bad side. And speaking of getting on someone's bad side, Baby Chippie will eventually kill me for posting this photo. BUT, I had to do it. There is only one time in a woman's life when a chubby booty with little dimples is the most adorable thing in the world!

It's Officially Summer

I know, it's not technically "summer", but when you live in Scottsdale & the weatherman tells you the 100s are here to stay & your overnite low is 90, it is definitely summer! Oddly enuf, I don't have anything crazy to report - I am just as shocked as you are. But don't worry, Caroline's school ended last week & Angelina's school is out next week ... Me at home with the girls for the next 10 weeks cannot possibly yield boring results. Just typing that sentence instills fear in me! Well, since nothing exciting is going on, I decided to post some weekend photos of the girls flying thru the air & into the pool. Yes, I realize that Caroline is naked, but you're only little once!

Thank you, Grandma!

To the right is a photo of Baby Chippie dressed as a Fuzzy Bear. This is the costume she will be wearing for her "tap" routine in the June recital. She is very excited - mainly because the Princess will NOT be dancing in the recital (the studio ultimately decided not to do a recital dance for Angelina's ballet class b/c of the February ballet production). Nothing fills Caroline's heart with joy like really sticking it to Angelina. Aaaahhh, the joy of having two girls, two years apart. I shudder to think of my life in 8 years, when one is prancing around in skinny jeans & the other is sporting full hips... When one is shopping for C-Cup bras & the other is applying "Miracle Grow" boob cream & praying for divine intervention. It's not a pretty forecast, not pretty at all.

On an entirely different note, I would like to share with you a very touching Mother's Day story about my Grandma. Apparently every year, she invites her dear children over for a Mother's Day lunch. Who cooks the lunch every year? You guessed it - Grandma. Anyway, this past Sunday, when lunch rolled around, my Grandma found herself sitting all alone with a roast. Like any good woman from my family, she proceeded to grab a bottle & drink away her irritation. By the time one of her tardy children called to wish her a "Happy Mother's Day", Grandma was feeling pretty good. AND, when her adult child advised her that everyone thought they were coming for dinner, my dear Grandma responded as follows: "Well, if you Fuc#$ers had any class, you would have called ahead of time & asked if you could bring anything... THEN you would have known what time to come!" Thank you, Grandma, I couldn't have said it better myself!

Happy Mother's Day!

Yes, it is that time of year when all of us women who have birthed children and, as a consequence, have said "Adios" to our once perky boobies & butts, receive thoughtful gifts that only a mother could love. To commemorate the occasion, I have compiled a list of things that have, over the years, made me realize that I am a Mom:

(1) I had shingles at the age of 28 ... Having 2 kids under the age of 3 will do that

(2) I voluntarily drive a mini-van

(3) I am a lawyer by way of hard work & a dairy manufacturer by sheer miracle

(4) I never ever bathe or pee by myself

(5) I touch poop & vomit without gagging

(6) I have seen the Wiggles LIVE twice

(7) I celebrate Jewish holidays, eventho I am not Jewish

(8) I drink large quantities of cheap wine

(9) I have gained 85lbs. in 9 months TWICE!

(10) When I travel, I always bring a set of grandparents along... It's like packing an extra pair of undies

And as any mother will tell you, being a mother is an exhausting, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, gig that comes with absolutely NO pay or holidays. Perfect Example: My Mother started her career as a stay-at-home mom in July 1965 (Notice there is no end date... that's because I am still following her around). AND according to the Social Security Administration, my Mother's lifetime earnings total $6.75. Go ahead, laugh ... It's okay.

Anyone Out There In Need of a SUPERnanny?

You might recall from my earlier posts that I have been in contact with a reality show casting producer from LA. Well guess what.... She is currently casting for ABC's SUPERNANNY! I would totally take advantage of this opportunity, but given my family's recent experiences, I think a visit from a priest or aura healer would be more productive. BUT for the rest of you, check out the press release below - Just think... You could be a star!

The casting team of ABC’s popular parenting series SUPERNANNY is launching springtime casting for the new season of the show AND we are casting now for the premiere episode of SUPER-MANNY, featuring child behaviorist Mike Ruggles. Producers of both shows are searching the country for families who are lacking structure in their households; parents who have ordinary and extraordinary circumstances; blended families where both sides are seeking help; and specifically fathers who are overwhelmed with parenting and are ready for the opportunity of a lifetime—a visit from America’s number one nanny, Jo Frost or the world’s first Super-Manny, Mike Ruggles! Interested moms and dads in need of help with their out of control kids should e-mail us at supernanny@shedmediaus.com to apply NOW. The deadline for submissions is Tuesday, May 5th. Please include a recent photo of your family and daytime phone number. You can also call 877/MANNY -TIME (1-877-626-6984) for more information.

Move Over Griswalds, Here Come the Manns

So last Thursday, we decided to take a weekend trip up north to the mountains to enjoy some cooler weather & catch some fish with the kids. Well, what started out as a "quick" getaway unexpectedly turned into a lengthy, disease-ridden odyssey, which I thought would never end. But before I go on to tell you my story of woe, let me offer you one piece of advice ---NEVER, EVER, say, "Things can't possibly get worse". Believe me, I speak from experience --- when you make such a stupid statement, the universe has a funny way of really socking it to ya. Okay, moving on ... I have experienced so much random crap over the past 5 days that I am going to have to use a timeline to explain it all:

Saturday: After arriving at the house & unloading all of our crap, we jumped into the mini-van & headed off to the lake to go fishing. We had just snagged our special fishing spot, when Bob realized that he left the night crawlers back at the house. So we wouldn't lose our spot, Bob decided to drive back to the house alone & retrieve the bait. Well, less than 5 minutes after he left, Bob showed back up at the lake --- empty-handed. In my best "nagging wife" voice, I whined, "You forgot the worms AGAIIIINNN..." Apparently, Bob never made it back to the house because the steering went out on the mini-van. By the grace of God, Bob managed to veer off the road & safely stop the car in the middle of a forest, without hitting a tree. Now picture me calling AAA. When the customer service rep. asked me for our location, I said, "We're in the woods". I mean really --- our nearest major intersection was somewhere between a big ass elk & an evergreen!!! Luckily, the tow truck eventually found us & towed the van to some podunk mechanic shop, which of course, did not operate on weekends. Thank God we invited Bob's parents to join us on the trip because they acted as our chauffeur to & from the mechanic's shop.

Sunday: The Bible does not lie, folks - God does take a break on Sundays! He graciously allowed us one day to recuperate before drowning us with a huge wave of craptabulous luck.

Monday: Angelina awoke with what I deemed to be a scrape on her face & forearm. Bob thought it was something more & took Angelina to the local quack-shack for an official diagnosis. I thought he was crazy & paranoid, UNTIL the doctor concluded that the two "'scrapes" were actually staph infections. Ooops, looks like I missed that one. Go Bob! When I went to pick-up Angelina's prescription at the only major pharmacy in town, the salesclerk yelled back to the pharmacist, "Hey, the mother of that staph kid is here..." Damn, can you imagine having Herpes in this town?!? Okay, now onto the mini-van... According to Mr. Podunk Mechanic, the last guy who worked on our car forgot to put all the parts back. Apparently, we have been a traveling time bomb for the past 3 weeks! Anyway, Mr. Podunk advised us that he would have the missing part overnited from Phoenix. He assured us that the car would be as good as new on Tuesday & that we could return home that afternoon.

Tuesday: Excuse my language, but "Fu$% you, Chrysler" --- The dealership overnited the WRONG part to Mr. Podunk!!! Quick Sidenote: Before getting on the phone with Mr. Podunk, I put Caroline in the bathtub. Well, after hanging up the phone, I returned to the bathroom to check on Caroline. To my surprise, the lower region of Caroline's face was covered in blood. Yes, my darling child decided to shave off her mustache. Unfortunately, in the process, she nicked her upper lip, which proceeded to bleed profusely. Hopefully, her peach fuzz will grow back as peachfuzz ... If not, she will be the only preschooler at El Dorado Private School sporting a 5 o'clock shadow.

Wednesday: Caroline & I awoke to full-blown illness. It was now our turn to visit the town clinic. Keep in mind, by this time, news of the "swine flu" was all over the TV. When we arrived at the clinic there was only one person ahead of us. This person just happened to be Mario Gomez from Mexico, who was suffering from severe congestion, nausea & a mild fever. The only thing this guy wasn't doing was oinking, eating slop from a trough & rolling around in mud. After using the same pen as Mr. Gomez to sign in, I asked the receptionist for some hand sanitizer. Brace yourself --- they didn't have any hand-sanitizer. WTF?!?!? Final result: Caroline & I had a sinus infection and an ear infection. Really? I am 33 years old, I haven't had a freakin' ear infection since 1979!!!

Like any good story, there is a happy ending. The right part for the mini-van finally arrived & we rolled into Scottsdale at 6 o'clock last nite. Today is my birthday & although I am so congested that I can't even taste my birthday cake, I have never been happier ... to be home & alive. AND, I learned a very valuable lesson from this trip: Never Leave Home Without Your XANAX (I had to rely on Benadryl as a cheap substitute)! Below are some photos from the trip... Enjoy!

I'm Not Dead...

I'm just stuck on the vacation from hell... Don't worry, I will be blogging about the latest "Mann Family Adventure" as soon as we return to Scottsdale - If we make it. You have no idea what we have been through!!!!

Drum Roll, Please... And The Winning School Is....

Since I last posted about Alberta's school dilemma, we have done a ton of investigative reporting. Bob played "bad cop", I played "good cop" & together we successfully annoyed countless numbers of administrators & educators in the district. First, we found out why the district thinks that our current school's "Gifted & Talented" program may not be suitable for Alberta. Apparently, Alberta is "Profoundly Gifted". Sounds a tadbit "hoity toity" don't you think? Basically, she is a level above a "gifted student". Second, we visited the other school, which has a "Profoundly Gifted" class. The class has 1st & 2nd graders in it, with the 1st graders learning a 3rd grade curriculum & the 2nd graders learning a 4th grade curriculum. Important SideNote: If Angelina stays at her current school next year, she will still have time to mix & mingle with all the other 1st graders (aka, "her friends"), but at the other school, she will not have an opportunity to meet kids outside of the "profoundly gifted" class. Okay, so when Bob & I stepped into the "profound" classroom, we were shocked by the lack of diversity among the students. Out of 15 kids, there were only 2 girls & everyone was Indian except for one kid. Picture Angelina - talk about sticking out like a sore thumb! More shocking than the students, was the teacher's candor when we spoke to her about the students. She advised us that these kids have meltdowns continually thruout the day because they can't handle getting wrong answers. THEN, she told us that a few of the students are "scary smart" & completely lack social skills. While I definitely appreciated her honesty, it pretty much scared the crap out of me. Before I go any further with this, let me explain something about Angelina. Before we had our little comedian, Caroline, Angelina had no sense of humor. She took everything so seriously. It wasn't until Caroline came along & showed her how to laugh, that Angelina finally began to loosen up a little. Also, when Angelina receives a gift, she doesn't take the toy out of the box for months. Have you ever been on EBAY & seen people selling items from 1975, still new & in their box? Well, Angelina will be a hit on EBAY someday. Anyway, I make a concerted effort every day to encourage Angelina to live a little! Needless to say, I don't find the idea of Angelina sitting in a class, 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, with a bunch of kids crying over their shortcomings very enticing! I'm sorry, 1st grade should NOT involve meltdowns.

Today, we met with the "Gifted & Talented" 1st grade teacher at our school. Our meeting went well, & altho Bob & I are definitely going to need to supplement Angelina's school curriculum with additional work at home, we are pretty confident that she needs to stay at Grayhawk. Quite honestly, this entire process has been quite stressful. Why? Because I know Angelina ... If we make the wrong decision about this, she will blame me!!!!! You know, I have a great Aunt who will turn 103 in May. You know why she has lived this long? Because she never had kids. Take Home Message: Kids Kill!!!!

If It Looks Like A Duck & Walks Like A Duck...

So, yesterday at church, I had an interesting "Jewish" experience. Let me set the scene for you: the 9:15 service is over & everyone is exiting the church & moving outside onto the patio area to mix & mingle & drink coffee... Bob & I are trying to navigate our way thru the crowd, so we can reach the Sunday school building & pick up the girls. Well, somewhere between the coffee table & the cookie table, a very old man points directly at me & exclaims, "Hey there, yeah you, what nationality are you?" I walk closer to the little, old man & explain that I am a mix of Italian & Cherokee Indian. In response, he yells, "No you're not, you're Jewish." Although being called Jewish is not a rare occurrence for me, I will admit that this is the first time I have been called Jewish while attending a church service at my own Lutheran Church. Okay, so I tell the man that I'm not Jewish. To my surprise, he whips out a Star of David necklace from underneath his shirt & says, "Look I'm Jewish and believe me, I know a Jew when I see one . . . you ARE Jewish." Interesting, very interesting. This whole conversation left me with so many unanswered questions. For example, if we are both Jews, then why the hell are we hanging out at a Lutheran church on a Sunday morning? And secondly, this guy seemed to be an experienced Jew-Detector, so have my parents been lying to me all this time? Anyway, on the way home from church, Caroline overheard Bob & I discussing "the incident" & said, "Don't worry Mom, there's nothing wrong with being Jewish, I'm Jewish." Oh, we are all so confused....

Coffee, Tea or Smart Juice?

I may have gone to law school & I may possess a license to practice law, but Bob is the real lawyer in the family. I really like dressing up in a cute suit, slipping on a tall pair of heels & meeting with clients, but when it comes down to actually having to do "lawyer work", I have to pop a migraine pill, a Xanax & wash it all down with a glass of Pinot. Well, yesterday a new entrepreneurial opportunity presented itself to me ... well, kind of. You see, when I went to pick-up Angelina from school, Mrs. Kapur dropped a bomb on me. Apparently, based on Angelina's "smarty-pants" exam scores, the gifted/talented coordinator is recommending that Angelina transfer to a different elementary school for 1st grade, so she can be in a class with people "like her". WTF?!?!? And to think I always assumed Caroline would be the child asked to leave school. So for the past 24 hours, I have been trying to figure out where the hell we got Alberta Einstein. I can't do math, I bombed the SAT & my high school chemistry teacher actually told my Mother on "parent/teacher" nite - "Emily is a very slow learner". But after much consideration & because I really want to take sole credit for Angelina's brain power, I have reached the conclusion that breastfeeding made her smart. That's right folks, I suspect I produce "Smart Juice"... AND since I am still in production-mode (see earlier post if you're confused), it only stands to reason that I should start bottling the "Smart Juice" & selling it. Can't you see me standing outside "Whole Foods", at my own little stand, selling all-organic "Smart Juice"??? All kidding aside, we don't know what we are going to do with Alberta... We are going to visit the other school next week & observe the "smarty pants" 1st grade class. This is going to sound really shallow, but I don't know how keen I am on the whole idea of Angelina being in a nerd herd. Oh well, I guess we'll just have to wait & see....

On a seperate note, today was the Grayhawk Elementary Kindergarten Heroes Presentation. There was a lot of singing & speech presentations by short people. It was quite impressive given the fact that my kindergarten experience consisted of macaroni art & naps. Anyway, each child had to write a report about a person who made a great contribution to the world.... then dress as his/her hero for the show. There were Barack Obamas, Teddy Roosevelts, Amelia Earharts, etc... Angelina, of course, was Princess Diana. Check out the photos below!

Say What?

So, our family had a typical Easter... The kids hunted eggs, we went to church, I cooked a ham, and both sets of grandparents joined the festivities. And eventho my parents & I were in the same place at the same time, the holiday went off without anything bizarre taking place, which is quite rare & basically unheard of. But don't worry, shortly after everyone left our house on Easter afternoon, the craziness that is my life resumed. When I called my Mother that evening, she mentioned that she had just spoken with a family member - a family member I will refer to as "Ramona" to protect her identity (and to prevent her from killing me once she realizes I am writing about her). In response to my "How is Ramona doing?," my Mother stated in a very deep & solemn voice, "Well, things are NOT going well at all ... Her vagina fell out this evening." SAY WHAT?!?! Talk about looking around to see if you're on "Candid Camera"... Dear God, help us all. Seriously, my life is like "Everybody Loves Raymond" meets the "Twilight Zone". I know what you're thinking, I'm either making all of this up to keep the blog interesting or my Mother is smoking crack. Well, neither is true... BUT, I do encourage all you Ladies to "google" the phrase "vaginal vault prolapse". There, I have done my public service announcement for the day.

Now, onto a less bizarre story involving the Princess & Baby Chippie. I took both girls in for their yearly well-check today. Angelina's exam went smoothly, but Caroline's exam was a completely different story. When the Dr. asked Caroline if she knew her ABC's, Caroline proceeded to sing the ABC Song ... well, until she reached the letter "P". She sang, "L, M, N, O, P and then you Poop". When Caroline was done laughing hysterically at herself, the Dr. asked if she knew what came after "P". Did Caroline say "Q"? Of course not... Instead Caroline explained, "Oh come on, you know poop comes after P". Thankfully the Dr. moved on after I verified that Caroline does, in fact, know the entire alphabet. With the poop humor situation behind us, I felt pretty confident that the rest of the check-up would proceed without incident. Well, I was wrong. When the nurse took Caroline down the hall for her vision test, the wheels fell off the bus. Unlike an adult eye test, which uses the letters of alphabet, the pediatric vision test uses pictures of common kid things, like cows, flowers, etc. So, when Caroline pressed her face up against the "vision testing contraption," she was supposed to report to the nurse the picture she saw on the screen. The test of her right eye went fine. BUT when the nurse asked Caroline to report the pictures she saw with her left eye, Caroline removed her face from the machine & just started reporting the pictures she remembered seeing with her right eye. The ding-dong nurse was so busy writing down Caroline's made-up answers that she never looked up to see that Caroline was not looking into the freakin' machine. After the test was complete, the nurse advised me that while Caroline's right-eye was perfect, she had below-average vision in her left eye & should probably visit an optometrist. Really? Since we had been at the Dr.'s office for over an hour & since I had to get both kids to school, I chose not to explain Caroline's "poor vision" to the nurse.

OCD At Its Best!

As I have mentioned before, I have OCD & for some reason, the holiday season really seems to bring out my mental illness in full force! So to prevent any freaking out on actual Easter Day, I forced the girls to dress up in their Easter dresses & take their Easter photos tonite, Easter Eve. God knows no one wants to suffer through me chasing the kids around tomorrow trying to take their picture while they race around, trying to stuff their mouths with chocolate & peeps. Below are 2 photos of my little Easter chicks!

Here Comes Carly Cotton-Tail!

Every year at Easter, memories of Caroline as a toddler flood my mind. Some little ones hold dear a special blankie or a stuffed animal, but our little Caroline has always treasured her "fuzzy". What is a "fuzzy"? Well, a "fuzzy" is the filler that you would find if you ripped open a stuffed animal or doll. When Caroline was 15 months old, I started buying huge bags of fuzzy from the fabric store. Now that she is the big 4, Caroline only needs a fuzzy when she is going to sleep at nite... But, when she was little she always had a fuzzy in her possession. In fact, Caroline used to take a handful of fuzzy & put it between her little butt cheeks & walk around the house. When she would pass by, we would say, "Here comes Carly Cotton-Tail, hopping down the bunny trail..." AND on that note, I wish everyone a very Happy Easter!

Holy Crap! I Birthed A Genius!

Okay, I must apologize in advance for the obnoxious bragging that I am about to engage in - seriously, this is going to be nauseating, but here goes.... Okay, at Angelina's last parent/teacher conference, Bob & I inquired about Grayhawk Elementary's "gifted & talented" program. Mrs. Kapur explained that to be accepted into the "gifted & talented" program, Angelina would have to pass a rigorous test. In fact, Mrs. Kapur warned that the test was exceptionally hard & that very few, if any, kindergartners take the test, let alone pass it. She handed us a consent form for Angelina to be tested & AGAIN, she reemphasized that the test was realllllly difficult. Well, Bob & I had our parent-blinders on as usual & completely ignored Mrs. Kapur's advice - we signed the consent form & subjected Angelina to the 3-day exam (one exam a day). To qualify for the "gifted & talented" program, a child must score a 97 (99 being a perfect score) on only one of the exams. Well, we received Angelina's test results in the mail yesterday. She scored a 99 on 2 of the exams & a 97 on the third!!!!!!!!!!! When I picked Angelina up from school, I showed Mrs. Kapur the test results & she was speechless! Hell, I'm speechless... And Bob, who doesn't even read my blog because he can't believe I write about the things I write about, asked me this morning, "Did you write about Angelina on your blog?"

Oh Baby Chippie, You're Killing Me!

As I reflect back on this week, I must commend Caroline for all of the effort she put forth trying to drive me crazy.

On Monday, Caroline came home from preschool wearing a different outfit than the one she wore to school. Her teacher explained that Caroline had peed her pants during recess, and that her original outfit could be found in a Ziploc bag located in her backpack. As we drove home, I lectured Caroline on the importance of being a mature & responsible 4 year old. Yes, I am "that" parent. Anyway, as soon as we arrived home I immediately removed Caroline's wet clothes from the Ziploc bag only to discover that her clothes were not wet. In fact, there was not one speck of pee anywhere to be found. When questioned about the alleged pee incident, Caroline confessed that she never peed her pants. She told her teachers that her pants were wet because she wanted to wear the "beautiful dress" that I packed as her "emergency spare outfit."

On Tuesday, as we were leaving ballet & as I was trying to help Caroline into the car, she cast my hand aside and said, "I got it, Punk." Shocked by my new & not-so endearing nickname, I said, "Caroline, you shouldn't call Mommy that". Caroline placed her little hand on my shoulder, looked into my eyes and explained, "Mommy, it's okay... 'Punk' means 'Loser' in Spanish." Oh, thanks for clearing that up, Caroline.

On Thursday afternoon, as Caroline's teacher was buckling her into the car seat, Mrs. Overman says, "Mrs. Mann, I have waited as long as I can to ask you this, but I have to know now... Is it true - Are you having a new baby? We are so excited for you!" Say what? As I turned to look back at Caroline, she turned to Mrs. Overman & whispered, "Ooops, sorry, I was just kidding about that." I wonder how many people Caroline has told that to over the past week... And, how many of those people have seen me out & about drinking wine?!?!

Below is a photo of Baby Chippie sporting the new dress her Aunt Joanie recently sent. Both girls have informed me that they feel "Famous" when they wear it. Who are these children?

A Quick Trip Down Memory Lane

I just got finished reading my dear friend Katharine's blog. Her latest entry detailed her recent labor & delivery of her beautiful daughter, Harper Grace. She had a lovely, NORMAL birth experience. AND after I read her entry, I began reflecting on my own labor & delivery experiences. You see, when I had Angelina my parents were living in Texas. Angelina's whole labor & delivery was quite standard. However, when Caroline made her big debut, my parents were retired & living in Arizona. What difference does that make? Well just so you know, things never proceed normally when my family attends an event together, in fact, we call it the "Fry Factor". AND, the circumstances surrounding Caroline's birth were no exception. First let me give you some background information... When my parents moved to Arizona they bought a house & proceeded to remodel every inch of it. Well, my due date just happened to coincide with my Dad's "backyard project." Three days before my due date, I thought my water broke. The first thing I did was call my parents. When my Mother answered the phone, I told her to meet us at the hospital. My Mother's first response was the following: "Oh dear, your Father just rented a rototiller & he only has it for 24 hours, if we're late returning it, they will charge us an outrageous late fee, are you sure your water broke?". I know, go ahead, reread it. Anyway, both sets of grandparents arrived at the hospital only to learn that my water had not broke... I was just 5 1/2 cm. dilated & 90% effaced!!! That's right, folks, Caroline was basically out & about, helping me walk around AND they sent me home. After Bob threatened to sue the hospital if I had the baby at home, the hospital kindly explained that their maternity unit was full. Seriously? We are talking about a modern North Scottsdale hospital, not some Inn located outside Bethlehem. Fortunately, I was induced 3 days later & my parents came to our house to watch Angelina. About 11am (an hour before I delivered Caroline), Bob asked why my parents & Angelina were not at the hospital. I really wanted my Mother to be present for Caroline's delivery, so I also wondered why they were MIA. When I finally called my house, I was in a panic. My Dad answered the phone & the following conversation took place:

Me: Dad, it's me, what are y'all doing?
Dad: Going crazy, wanna come with us?
Me: What? Dad, seriously, y'all need to get to the hospital now, I am about to have the baby!!!
Dad: What? I thought you were having the baby at 5 o'clock this afternoon... You had Angelina at 5 o'clock.
Me: Dad, birthing babies is not like making a dinner reservation... Just get up here, NOW!!!!

Luckily, my parents & Angelina got to the hospital just in time. But that's not where the fun ends. My Dad came in right after Caroline was born & watched as the nurses cleaned her up, etc. Then Bob's parents came into the room. FYI- Bob's Dad outwardly displays his emotions, whereas my Dad tends to store his emotions on the inside. After admiring Caroline, Bob's Dad walked over to my Dad & said, "David, why don't you go have a look at our beautiful granddaughter"... My Dad responded with, "Oh, I already saw her ... I doubt she's changed in the last five minutes." Of course, this is the same man that would come running out of a room four months later, yelling "She rolled over all by herself, I just saw it, you've got to get in here"!!!! Gotta love Pappa David!!!

What In God's Name Is Going On?

This past Sunday Bob left us ladies to go to North Carolina to take some depositions... He does not come back until Thursday. FYI - The girls & I have NEVER been alone together for more than 8 hours. As the girls & I pulled away from the airport parking lot after dropping off Bob, I had a feeling deep down inside that there was doom on the horizon. Call me psychic - I was right! We got through Sunday & Monday just fine - BUT then today, around 11:15am as I was making Caroline her lunch, I heard screaming. Although I didn't want to, I followed the screaming & discovered Caroline perched on top of the master bathroom toilet. Why? Because the toilet was overflowing at an alarming rate & she didn't want to drown. I have never screamed so loud in all my life. There were mounds & mounds of wet (DIRTY) toilet paper floating across my bathroom floor. Now, let's skip forward about 30 minutes... At this point, the floors were dry & disinfected. Since I couldn't rely on Bob for help, I took matters into my own hands. I retrieved the plunger from the hall closet & decided to unblock the toilet myself. I may not be a plumber, but I have successfully plunged a toilet a time or two in my life. So, I flushed the toilet & began plunging like a mad woman... Take a guess at what happened next? The FUC&*%# toilet overflowed AGAIN!!!! I was stunned, absolutely stunned... It was incredible, it was like a river! Anyway, I cleaned the mess up AGAIN & went on with my day. Well, about 5:30 this evening, Caroline dropped our grill cleaning spatula thingy on her foot, which resulted in a nasty gash below her big toe. After having my two wonderful neighbors inspect the wound, we all decided that she needed stitches. So, I loaded up both girls & went to Urgent Care. As we were waiting to be seen by a doctor, I called Bob to update him on the situation. While I was on the phone, Caroline accidentally dropped her toy on the floor, which made a loud noise. The older woman seated about two rows over from us looks at me & says, "Why don't you get off the phone & take care of your kids." I calmly put down the phone & engaged in the following conversation:
Me: Are you serious?
Crazy: Yes.
Me: Are you mentally ill?
Crazy: Look, I had to work all day... I don't want to sit here listening to your kids drop things.
Me: You must not have children.
Crazy: I have children.
Me: I can tell they really care about you, since you are sitting in an urgent care ALONE

I then resumed my telephone conversation with Bob. In a nice, loud voice, I told Bob that I had just spoken to a woman who was there to have a stick removed from her butt. Luckily, the receptionist came into the waiting room & removed her. What the hell? Okay, so after waiting for over an hour, we finally got to see a doctor. But when the nurse pulled back Caroline's band-aid to examine the cut, the damn thing had closed! Since when do gaping wounds close without medical intervention? The nurse cleaned the cut, slapped on a band-aid & the receptionist refunded my co-pay. WAIT... I'm not done. As soon as we got back home, I put the kids in the tub & fed them dinner. Once again, while I was in the kitchen, I heard screaming. I followed the screaming & found Angelina writhing around in pain on my bed. She was crying & complaining that the back of her knees were killing her. Okay, so far today I have dealt with overflowing sewage, a bloody foot & now a mysterious back-of-the-knee pain?!?!?! What the hell??? I gave Angelina some Motrin & propped her legs on top of a heating pad. She went to sleep... I think I'm afraid to go to sleep!!!!

Interesting TidBits

So, my kids are on Spring Break right now & both sick. I am taking a break from pumping them with Benadryl & Motrin to report a couple of interesting stories:

(1) This past Sunday our entire family gathered at my parents' house to celebrate my Dad's 68th birthday. Before the party, my Mother went to DairyQueen to pick-up the birthday cake - the birthday cake that was supposed to read, "Happy Birthday David". So, my Mom went into DQ & the cashier gave her the cake. Nothing odd about that, right? Well, on her way out the door she happened to glance down at the cake in the box & can you believe what she saw? "Happy Birthday ShitHead". Nice... If it were me, I would have kept the cake. BUT my Mother, being the Goodie-Good she is, exchanged it for the appropriate cake.

(2) If you have been reading the blog, then you know that Angelina is now a Bible-Beater. Well, this afternoon, Caroline came to me screaming & crying that Angelina had hit her. I confronted Angelina & asked the obvious question, "Why did you hit your sister?" Angelina answered in a very calm voice, "God says that you should do unto others as you would have them do unto you... Caroline hit me... So, I thought she wanted me to hit her." Can you tell she is the spawn of two lawyers?

From A Jew, To A Christian AND Back To A Horse...

Angelina has been obsessed with horses for about two years now. Why? I don't know - we don't own horses, we don't ride horses. Anyway, it has come to our attention that when at school, Angelina walks like a horse. Sound a little weird? Hell yes it's weird & quite frankly, I think Bob & I have reached the end of the tolerance line. How does one walk like a horse? Well, she puts her hands up like hooves, which then causes the rest of her body to go all "funky-looking". Seriously, her knees kind of turn in, her butt sticks out... The first time we saw the "horse girl" emerge was during our last trip to DisneyLand. At the "Princess Luncheon", every time Angelina posed for a photo with a Princess, her hands turned into hooves. Okay, there is no way to describe this in a politically correct manner - simply put, the child looks all "gimpy" when she is in horse mode. Seriously, we looked like our Princess lunch was being sponsored by the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Anyway, for the past few months Angelina has ceased doing the horsey at home, dance, park, etc. Bob & I foolishly thought that she had retired her hooves for good ... Well, this past Friday at Kindergarten Field Day, the horse emerged once again. Maybe it was all the racing that awoke the horse in Angelina. It was painful to witness. Below is a photo of Angelina approaching the limbo rope in full horse-mode... See what I am talking about? I know what you're thinking... Bob & I are currently trying to formulate a plan to dissuade my dear daughter from physically transforming her graceful, human form into funky horse-mode...

What Are We Going To Do With Her?

If I wasn't the person who actually birthed Angelina, I would ask, "Where did we get this child?" As many of you know, I cannot do math. That's why I went to law school! FYI - I can't do puzzles either. Angelina, on the otherhand, is a math whiz & a freakin' genius when it comes to puzzles. On Saturday nite, Angelina found some sidewalk chalk in our towel box on the back patio... Can you guess what she did with it? She didn't draw rainbows or ponies... No... She did mathematical equations with it. When I saw what she had done, I decided to take pictures. I know she is the ripe old age of 6, but really???? I also threw in a glamour photo of Angelina before school, so you can see also has a flair for fashion! Notice the silver purse? For some reason, she takes it to school everyday. Soooooooo mature.....

Happy Birthday, Baby Carly!

Today, my baby officially became a Big Girl! In just 4 short years, she has gone from "Baby Carly" to Caroline. She has gone from sweetly saying "Ma-Ma, Ma-Ma" to carelessly casting my opinion aside & saying in that not-so-sweet voice, "Whatever, Mom"! Aaahhhh, how quickly they grow up. Below are photos of Caroline's past birthdays... Enjoy!

March 1, 2005

March 1, 2006


March 1, 2007

March 1, 2008

The 2009 Birthday Girl!

Dear God, I Want My Jew Back!

As I have previously mentioned, Angelina is/has been infatuated with the Jewish religion. Truth be told, we loved lighting the menorah & although I complained, I really didn't mind making the latkes. But to our surprise, all of sudden last week, Angelina transformed into a devout Christian. For the girls' birthdays, my Grandmother sent them "Children's Bibles". It's basically the Bible rewritten in language that a child can comprehend. Well, Angelina brings "the Bible" everywhere she goes. She reads it non-stop. In fact, at Caroline's 4th birthday party on Thursday, Angelina sat down at a picnic table full of 4-year olds & asked,"May I read you the Word of God?" She even brought it to our neighborhood park party last night & made her rounds asking, "May I read you the Word of God?" One of the parents at the party actually told his daughters that they no longer needed to attend church on Sundays as long as they had a weekly playdate at our house!!! Next thing you know, Angelina will be wearing a white dress shirt, black trousers & riding a bike door-to-door.... God help us all!

Happy Birthday, Baby!

Caroline's birthday is not until this Sunday, March 1st, but we had her birthday party this afternoon at the house. She wanted a "Bunny Birthday" & that's what she got. This was the first real birthday party (with all of her friends) that Caroline has had & she was sooooo happy. It almost made Bob & I cry... She was so content. Below are some photos!

It's Definitely A Monday...

When I woke up this morning I was full of hope. For the first time in a really long time I was looking at an afternoon at home, all by myself. Both girls were going to school & Bob was participating in a deposition downtown. I had dreams of watching an adult TV show & peeing without an audience.... Unfortunately, my Monday turned out to be, well, a Monday. Below is a list of some of the wonders of life I encountered:

(1) I am obsessed with kitty litter. I hate finding those itsy-bitsy pieces of clay on my tile. To reduce the cats' spread of litter, I have put a roof on the litter-box AND my father has constructed & installed a wooden tunnel to the entrance of the litter box. While shopping at PetSmart this past weekend, I discovered a "new" type of litter box. It was a litter box with it's entrance on top, i.e., the cat has to jump on top of the litter box & crawl thru a hole to get in. I wasn't gullible enough to buy the damn thing, but when I returned home, I rearranged the litter box tunnel so the opening was on top. Last nite, I took both cats into the laundry room & showed them how to get into the tunnel & into the litter box. Well this morning, when I returned home from dropping Angelina off at school, I found a gigantic pool of cat pee on the laundry room floor next to the litter box AND a big pile of cat sh*! on my living room floor. Needless to say, I returned the tunnel back to its original position. Couldn't they have just left me note?

(2) Caroline goes to school at 11:30. Last week we scheduled a playdate for Caroline & one of her classmates for 10:30 this morning, before school. Well, about 10:15 Caroline asked me to unlock the front door so she could check on her flowers. It sounds logical, right? I obliged & went outside with her. Once we were outside, Caroline proceeded to pull the wagon, which we keep by our front door, into the frontyard. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have OCD & everything must be in "its place". At the time, I thought Caroline's relocation of the wagon was annoying... what I didn't know was that the "wagon move" was part of her evil plan to lock me out of the house!!! As I turned my back to move the wagon, Caroline ran up the walkway, shut the front door & locked it. She then pressed her little face against the window next to the door & stared at me. As I begged her to unlock the door, she slowly shut the plantation shutters on the window. There I stood locked out of my own house, minutes away from a mother entrusting me with the care of her child. Did I sweat? Hell yes. Did I bang on the front door & yell? Hell yes. Finally, I rang the doorbell & heard the door unlock. Caroline opened the door very slowly & said, "Please, come in my friend." Well, at least she was polite!

Quick - Reserve Me Now for Your Next Party!

Okay, before you read this post I must warn you that it might be TOO much information... Proceed with caution. So, the mystery surrounding my unexpected, but very much appreciated, boob growth has been solved. I had my annual appointment with my OB/GYN last week & apparently I am producing & storing a large quantity of breast milk. As I have mentioned before, I see my OB/GYN frequently at Caroline's school, so I have to make eye contact with this woman on a weekly basis. Needless to say, I wasn't exactly pleased when milk shot a good 8 inches into the air during my breast exam. She actually exclaimed, "Whoa, I wasn't expecting that"!!! Anyhow, she ordered me to return for a blood test within a week to check my ProLactin levels, you know, the hormone produced by your pituitary gland that tells your body to produce milk. My Doctor explained that if my ProLactin level came back high, then we would need to determine the reason & correct the problem. In the alternative, if my ProLactin level came back normal, then shooting milk into the sky at a moment's notice would just be a really neat party trick. Well, I received my blood test results yesterday & my ProLactin levels are completely normal. Don't worry about me, I have come to terms with my dairy affliction.

My Birthday Beauties

Every year around their birthdays, we have portraits taken of Angelina & Caroline. Being the control-freak that I am, I always tell the girls what to wear, etc. BUT this year, I allowed the girls to choose their clothes, hairstyles, etc. Below are the results... Angelina looks like a prom queen & Caroline looks like a remake of Gidget! It would be an understatement to say that Angelina was APPALLED by Caroline's failure to wear "clothes" for her photoshoot. I believe her exact statement to me was, "You let her go in public like that?" Angelina lives by a whole other book of rules from the rest of us... Very proper!

I Am A Survivor!

Today was Angelina's long-awaited ballet performance. We were at the theatre from 9:30 until 6. She was in the 11am show & the 3:30 show. She did the dancing, so why am I one who is incredibly exhausted & in desperate need of a Xanax? Hell, maybe she needs a Xanax, too, I guess I never asked her! Anyway, Angelina did fabulous... Of course I am her Mother, and probably not the most objective critic. After receiving her 2 dozen roses, she told Bob & I that she "reallllly needs to continue dancing & has to be in the June recital." So, I guess my earlier post was incorrect. There will be no gymnastics this Spring. Angelina will be dancing. At least, she will only have to attend 1 class a week as opposed to the 3 she has been enduring. Hey, I'm trying to look on the bright side... What choice do I have? The child has dance fever!!!!

Introducing Our 6-Year Old!

So, Angelina had a fabulous 6th birthday - Although we did experience an awkward moment during the big party. Okay, for those of you that have never planned a child's birthday party, it's a lot like planning a wedding with respect to the "guest list." There are just certain people who if you invite, you have to invite other people.... For example, if you invite Little Janie, then you have to invite Little Janie's best friend Amy or Amy will feel left out. I'm sure you know what I mean. Well, Angelina wanted a birthday party with her 5 closest friends, and after a very careful evaluation of the kindergarten social networking, we decided on who those 5 individuals were & sent out the invites (FYI - we included a 6th invitee as a companion for Caroline). Another quick fact that will soon become pertinent - our backyard faces the "neighborhood park". Well during the party, Angelina & her friends moved into the backyard to play. That's when an "uninvited" little girl from Angelina's class approached our back fence while playing at the park & asked why "everyone" was at Angelina's house. Of course, Angelina said, "I'm having my birthday party." It was just awful seeing the expression on this kid's face. WHY of all days did her parents take her to the freakin' park?!?!?! Seriously, I have not seen this kid at the park in months!!!! AND yes, I am blaming this particular 5-year old for the whole incident because I refuse to take responsibility... Is that really okay? Hell no, but I'm going with it! Below are some photos of Angelina on her Birthday!

Happy Birthday, Angelina!

Do you know what tomorrow is? Yes, it is Friday the 13th. BUT, it is also Angelina's 6th Birthday! She is soooo excited. Angelina is having a small birthday party ("Horse" theme) with 5 of her closest friends at the house after school. For those of who don't know, I have a phobia of people coming to my house. "Phobia" is probably not the right term... BUT my OCD kicks in & I can actually mess with the family room drapes for up to an hour before they look "jjuuuusssstt right." It's really quite painful. But I am more than willing to put my craziness aside for one day for the sake of Angelina's happiness! Below are photos from Angelina's first birthday thru her 5th ... Enjoy!

February 13, 2003

Angelina's 1st Birthday!


Angelina's 2nd Birthday!

Angelina's 3rd Birthday!


Angelina's 4th Birthday


Angelina's 5th Birthday at DisneyLand!

Damn, I Can't Do Anything Fun!

Beware people who are contemplating having children & those of you who currently have a bun in the oven - Kids can really crack down on those things you say or do on a daily basis, which you take for granted now, but once you can't do them anymore, you realllllly miss. Below is a list of all the things that I can't do or say anymore:

(1) I can't say the following words: stupid, hate, dammit, hell or shit. Okay, I'll admit it, some of this is my own fault. I am the one who told the girls that "stupid" & "hate" are bad words. Bob, on the other hand, is the one who told them that "hell, dammit & shit" are bad words after hearing them repeat me. Whatever... Anyway, every time I experience some road rage & accidentally yell out one of the aforementioned prohibited words, Angelina or Caroline yells, "____ is a bad word." It's like having Jesus Christ follow you around all day long. Speaking of Jesus, yesterday when I picked Caroline up from school, she showed me the Valentine's Day card she made in class. Struck by the beauty of her artwork, I exclaimed, "Oh My God, it's beautiful." Well, as soon as I said that, one of Caroline's eavesdropping classmates said, "Caroline, could you please tell your Mommy not to say 'God' like that." Nice... Now my speech is being curtailed by other people's children... Nice... Real nice.

(2) If you've been reading my blog, then you know that Angelina is a good reader. Yeah, that's great & all, but she reads all the freakin' road signs now & advises me accordingly. If she feels that I am speeding, she yells from the backseat, "The speed limit is 35." OR my personal favorite, "You're in a school zone, slow down". I also like the occasional, "You failed to yield, Mommy." Well at least she is keeping our car insurance rates low.

By the way, below is a photo of the "Little Enforcer" before her ballet dress rehearsal this past Saturday.

The Annual Daddy Daughter Dance!

Since February 2005, Bob has escorted Angelina & Caroline to the annual Grayhawk Daddy/Daughter Dance. The girls love it, Bob loves it & I love getting the girls ready, but truth be told, I also kind of resent the entire thing because Mothers (you know the people who make the whole "daughter" thing possible) are prohibited from participating in the festivities. I tried to sneak into the dance back in 2006 to simply take some photos & was asked to leave by management. Anyways .... Below are photos of my darling husband & two little girls before the dance this past Saturday. Caroline was very excited to go to the dance with her "one true love".

Oh & by the way, the girls' dresses were presents from my very thoughtful sister, their Aunt Joanie!

Attention Mann Family Pets: We Are In A Recession!

Way back, at the end of July 2008, I posted a story about one of our gerbils, Blackie. You know, the gerbil we bought for $10 at PetSmart & later paid $150 to have the remainder of its tail amputated when Angelina accidentally pulled it off... Does this ring a bell? Well, I am sorry to report that Blackie has passed away. Did he die a peaceful death? Of course not... This is the Mann household, where peaceful, normal things rarely happen. At about 3am last nite, my deep slumber was disrupted by the cats running around our bedroom, knocking things over. Bob & I incorrectly assumed that they were just experiencing a random bout of friskiness. Unfortunately, at about 3:15 we discovered that the gerbils had managed to disassemble one their tubes & escaped. We found Blackie dead on the playroom floor. There was no blood, no bite marks, just a lifeless little furball. THEN, we found Blondie scared to death, hiding behind my nightstand - missing half of her tail. NOT AGAIN!!! So, at 8 o'clock this morning, Bob transported Blondie back to the same small animal vet across town to have her tail repaired. This time the vet decided not amputate. Instead, he instructed us to the let the tail dry out & fall off. We only had to pay $101 for a butt-load of "gerbil morphine" & antibiotics. Wow, a discount! Please, someone tell Congress that we need a "Pet Bail-Out Plan". I mean seriously.... Now, onto the children. Blackie was Angelina's gerbil & while Bob was at the vet, she discovered that Blackie was missing from her cage. In a panic, Angelina started searching all over the house for her "escaped" gerbil. Like any good mother, I sat my little girl down & lied to her. I told her that Blackie had died of a serious illness during the nite. I couldn't exactly tell her that her beloved kitties had batted Blackie to death. There were lots & lots of tears. And there were even more tears once Caroline delivered her very own "death speech". Caroline shed no tears & proceeded to tell Angelina the following: "Blackie is gone forever, Angelina.... She is not coming back... Yooouu don't have a gerbil anymore, Angelina .... This is real life." Thank you, Caroline. Anyway, when Bob finally returned home, Angelina asked to see Blackie one last time. We honored her request. What we didn't honor was her request to keep Blackie in a shoebox next to her bed for the rest of the weekend.

Has Anyone Seen My Baby?

Okay, as I write, Angelina is at a "Lock-In" at her school. The school has dedicated this entire week to the wonders of "Reading" ... So this afternoon at 4pm, I dropped Angelina off in the Grayhawk Elementary School multi-purpose room with a pillow, a blanket & 3 books. She was so excited. There was pizza, popcorn, ice-cream & tons of what Angelina likes most in the world - books. Honestly, between you & me, the idea of being locked in a large room with tons of books makes me cringe!!! I've said it before & I'll say it again, I do not like to read. Why? I do not know. But anyway, back to Angelina... When I dropped her off, I took a look around at all the kids. The other kindergartners appeared to have "kindergarten books". Angelina, on the other hand, unloaded 3 "Tell Me Why" books from her backpack. What is a "Tell Me Why" book? Bob was given these dictionary-size books in the mid-70s. Bob's parents gave them to Angelina a couple of months ago & she is obsessed with them. I'll give these books some credit, they answer any question you might have, including my personal favorite, "Why don't women have beards?" But they're huge books - Angelina couldn't even carry them into the "Lock-In" ... I had to! On a sad note, when I tried to tell Angelina "good-bye", she motioned me away with her hand & avoided eye contact. Oh, the dagger in the heart... Well, it's almost 6pm, it's time for us to go pick her up. She turns 6 next Friday & I can tell.

Houston, We Have A Problem!

I don't even know where to begin with this one... Today, when I arrived to pick Caroline up from school, I got quite the show! When I opened the door to the classroom, the kids were seated in a circle. When Caroline saw me, she jumped up & came running towards me. She grabbed her backpack & started for the door... But THEN she stopped, turned around & yelled, "Bye, bye, Boyfriend." In case you're not up-to-date with Caroline's love life, her preschool boyfriend is a little cutie by the name of "Tanner". I responded to the situation by saying, "Caroline why don't you call Tanner by his name, instead of calling him "boyfriend"?" Well, that didn't go over well with Caroline, who proceeded to tell me "Tanner is my boyfriend, he really is." THEN, Tanner jumped up out of the circle & yelled, "Caroline, don't leave, you didn't hug me". He came running over, hugged Caroline & then planted a big KISS on her! I seriously thought that Caroline, Caroline's teacher & myself were all going to pass out. After getting past the initial shock of the whole situation, Mrs. Lane advised the class that we should always save our kisses for our family members at home. I walked a very "in awe" Caroline out to the car, where Angelina & Bob were waiting. As soon as she hopped into the car, Caroline told Angelina, "Oh My God, my boyfriend, Tanner, just kissed me ... I'm not joking, Angelina, this is real life." As if this whole incident wasn't enuf, I opened Caroline's backpack & found this note from her teacher: "During snack Caroline announced, 'When I'm a teenager I'm going to have a baby. Then get married. Then I can drive a car.' " Well, what do I do with that? The child needs a driver's license to drive, NOT a baby!!!!!

Me- The Rambling Complainer

As I have mentioned in several prior posts, Angelina takes ballet. And when I say "takes", I mean she dances three days a week. Keep in mind that I also take Caroline to ballet & tap on Monday mornings. You can't imagine how much time I spend at the dance studio & I am sick & tired of it!!! Originally, Angelina was only dancing on Tuesday evenings from 5:30 to 6:30. Then we got roped into a February ballet production, which requires Angelina to dance on Friday evenings & now Saturday afternoons, through February 15th (the performance date). And as I have mentioned before, the "director" of the ballet production is a real BI#?$. But then again, I would be bitchy, too, if I had been walking around all these years with a stick stuck up my butt! Luckily, after February 15th Angelina will be back to dancing on Tuesday nights ONLY... There, I'm done complaining. Whew.... I feel much better! Hope your Tuesday evening has been uneventful.

Oy Vey!

Okay, so I have mentioned repeatedly that my weeks have become increasingly unbearable & just plain crazy ... Well, when I dream of my weekends, I envision cleaning, washing sheets, taking Angelina to Saturday dance rehearsal, and drinking some wine. What I don't imagine doing is making Latkes!!!! "What are Latkes?", you non-Jewish folks may ask... Well, they are Jewish potato pancakes. Okay, I am going to backtrack for a moment. After Hanukkah, our grocery store had a ton of books entitled "The Complete Guide to Hanukkah" on sale. I bought one, of course, because my children are Jewish! Anyway, on Saturday morning Angelina broke out the book & read the entire thing. At end of the book there are recipes. Before I continue with this story, let me give you one background tidbit. Angelina is quite possibly the pickiest eater on Earth. She just recently started eating meat. Her diet mainly consists of broccoli & pasta and grilled salmon. Needless to say, I was shocked when she begged me to make Latkes. The recipe called for "Matzah Meal" - not exactly an item I have sitting around in my pantry! Bob, being the wonderful Daddy he is, ran to the store for "Matzah Meal". So, I spent my Saturday afternoon making "Latkes". We had our doubts that Angelina would actually eat the damn things, but she did. In fact, she ate about 6 of them! Caroline, on the otherhand, said they tasted like "Chicken Boogers"! Bottom-Line: Angelina is way more serious about being Jewish than I thought... No problem, we're happy to assist! I must add that today, after exiting church, our Pastor asked Bob how the girls were doing. Bob responded, "Well, they're in Sunday school right now & I was ordered to buy "Matzah Meal" yesterday."

Introducing the Statue of Liberty and MISS Barack Obama!

So, the big inauguration celebration took place last nite & the girls went crazy. I haven't seen them this excited since, well, since Hanukkah. Angelina dressed up like the Statue of Liberty (as you can see from the photo, she took the role very seriously) & Caroline became Barack Obama. They sat in Bob's home office for an hour before bed perusing Internet sites about the American presidency & government. I can pretty much guarantee you that I had exactly zero interest in such things when I was little... Anyway, when I tucked Angelina into bed, I told her that I thought she might become President of the United States one day. After giving a big sigh, Angelina explained, "I don't want to be President, all I want to do is vote & tour the White House." I must say I was relieved to hear her answer. I am still holding out hope that one of my girls will become a plumber. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to hire a plumber, especially during off hours???? I would do anything to have a plumber in the family!

Is She Deep or What?

Once again, Caroline came home from school with an interesting "Good Choice" note. On the note, Mrs. Lane wrote this quote from Caroline:

"You know, when you're sick the rain comes

and the clouds are out & you can feel sad.

And if the sun is out, there can be clouds

& the rain is in your head."

Walgreens - My Saviour

You know those stories on the news about looney schizophrenics who stop taking their medication & go berserk? When you watch that story, don't you think, "What a dumbass, just take your medication"? I know, I know, I think the same thing. Well, this week I became that "dumbass". I have been on Lexapro for the past 3 years to "correct" my OCD & PMS... I am usually really good about taking it, but last Sunday I ran out & didn't take the time to call in a refill. THEN, the week became so hectic that I just forgot about the pills all together. Poor, poor kids & poor, poor, husband - Nice Mommy/Wife morphed into "Miss Cranky Wank" (Caroline's term)!!! I finally called in my refill yesterday after Angelina suggested that instead of griping at her for little things, I keep my frustrations bottled up inside & later unload on Bob. Angelina added that her alternative would also be funny because "Daddy will have no idea why you are yelling at him." Even though I am back on the medication, I still might try out Angelina's idea. Poor Bob, I'm sure it's hard being the only male in the house!

This Is Random... But...

If you have been a devoted reader of my blog, then you have heard me complain multiple times about the disappearance of my boobs (I know, I know- "breast" is the nicer term). If you are new to the blog, here's the deal: After breastfeeding my two darling children, my size D assets turned into size A liabilities. THEN all of a sudden, they came back... I am now a size D again! Where were they all this time... On vacation? Visiting another woman? I just don't know. I have gained a couple of pounds, but not enuf to make a difference in the bra department. I see my OB/GYN quite frequently at Caroline's school, but somehow I don't think it would be appropriate for me to invite her back to my minivan for an exam. Hmmmm.....

A Rude Awakening!

I had no idea that the first week back to reality after Christmas vacation would cause me so much grief (Holy Crap, I sound like Charlie Brown)! I'm not sure if we actually had a ton of extra stuff to do OR if I just got used to not having a schedule. Anyway, for the first time since Caroline was baptized back in 2005, we returned to church. Why did we stop going? We became Jewish! Okay, all kidding aside - The girls wouldn't sit still & there was no way I was dropping them off in the church nursery and exposing them to extra diseases. That's right, not even Jesus is immune from my germ phobia. But we figured that since the girls are now old enuf to attend Sunday school, we should return. And we did. Of course, we discovered after arriving at church on Sunday that Sunday school didn't resume until the next Sunday. We were already there, so we stayed for the serivce WITH Angelina & Caroline. Angelina took the whole thing very seriously. Caroline, on the otherhand, got fidgety & kept saying, "Jesus is Dead..." I tried to whisper that Jesus was alive & in Heaven. NOT a good idea on my part because Caroline then declared in a nice, loud & clear voice, "Jesus is not alive... don't cha know he is dead & in the boneyard." Lovely....

Okay, onto the actual week- Angelina & Caroline's schedules damn near killed me. I was either dropping a kid off at school, taking a kid to ballet, helping Bob with office stuff, helping someone with homework, etc. Then on Wednesday Caroline announced that her ear hurt. So, I had to squeeze in a Dr.'s appointment ... Sure enough, Caroline had a double ear infection. When Friday arrived, I thought "Finally, this week is over", then Angelina's teacher reminded me that Angelina was scheduled to be "Star of the Week" January 12-16. What is "Star of the Week"? Each child in Angelina's class has one week during the year that is all about them. The "Star of the Week" also gets to bring home the class teddy bear for the weekend... You are supposed to take the teddy bear everywhere you go & take photos. Needless to say, I spent the whole weekend helping Angelina create her "Star of the Week" bulletin board display & taking photos of a damn bear!!! In addition, Caroline had to create a "square" about her for the "class quilt" her preschool teachers are making in honor of this week's letter, the letter "Q". You know, "Quit" also starts with the letter "Q".... Couldn't they have requested that everyone just sit still or something!!!! Oh yeah, the kids also had 2 birthday parties over the weekend. Although I spent all last week feeling stressed & overworked, Angelina & Caroline managed to stay funny...
On Tuesday nite, Angelina watched a TV show with Bob about meteors & volcanoes. Afterwards, Bob proceeded to tell Angelina all of the interesting facts he knew about such things. When I put Angelina to bed, she announced that she loved to learn new things & asked if I would share my knowledge regarding volcanoes & meteors. Okay, I know NOTHING about meteors & volcanoes. To dodge her request, I said, "I don't know a lot about volcanoes, but I do know that you are the most beautiful 5-year old in the world." Angelina responded, "Mommy, I wanted you to tell me something I don't already know." THEN on Friday morning, out of the blue, Caroline comes in & says, "Aaaahhh... Another day, another dollar." What??? What is she talking about???? Below is a photo of Angelina & the class bear at ballet on Friday...




OMG! I almost forgot to mention that Angelina also lost her first tooth. She was so excited about the Tooth Fairy coming to visit, BUT she was very disappointed that no one could tell she lost a tooth. You know, most kids go thru that awkward stage where they have nothing but gums, but not Angelina. Everything about Angelina is perfect... so I was not surprised that her "adult" tooth was already in place before the baby tooth fell out. The child has no hips, she eats like a horse, her hair is nicely highlighted, she knows the 7 continents, her eyes change color depending on what she is wearing, and she smells like cookies... If only I could be her!!!!!

I'm NOT Dead... Just Experiencing a Crazy Life!

I can't believe it has been so long since I last posted. Tomorrow is the day though... The day I will sit down & tell you about last week AND all of its insanity. Nothing too incredible happened, but I barely survived the kids' schedules!!! Below are some photos of Angelina & Caroline before a birthday party this afternoon (the 2nd birthday party of the weekend...)

"2009 Is Makin' Me Crazy"

Hello All! So, New Year's Eve was quite entertaining ... All day long the girls acted like crazy monkeys & Angelina kept shouting "2009 is makin' me crazy"! In case you're wondering if Bob & I dumped the kids off with my parents & celebrated 2009 out on the town - We did not! We started our New Year's Eve family tradition 5 years ago - we stay at home & celebrate with the girls. As my Mother said last week, "Going out on New Year's Eve is for amateur drinkers ... AND those who yearn for an accidental pregnancy" (I quite clearly do NOT fall into either category). I know, I know, Tuey gets funnier & funnier with age (she is going to kill me for writing that). Anyway, Angelina & Caroline made chocolate cupcakes, which we baked in the still CRAZY ovens. The "GE Men" are here right now trying to fix them. Although I must confess, cooking in ovens at unknown temperatures works well for me. Okay, back to New Year's Eve... After indulging in the chocolate cupcakes, we all jumped in the spa. At 10 o'clock we toasted with champagne & went to bed. Exciting? Hell ya... Life is ALWAYS exciting in this house! At 3:30 am on New Year's Day, Angelina woke up screaming with an ear infection. Our pediatrician isn't open on New Year's Day, but she called in a prescription for numbing drops. So, on New Year's Day, I made my usual black-eyed peas & cabbage. For those of you who do not know, I am very superstitious. I eat the black-eyed peas for good luck & the cabbage for money in the New Year. And for those of you who don't know, Bob eats neither black-eyed peas nor cabbage, but every year I make him eat one spoonful of my "Good Luck" concoction. Unfortunately, this year I gave him too big of a spoonful & he actually threw up in the kitchen sink. BUT like any superstitious crazy loon, I forced him to eat another spoonful, since the first one didn't stay down. Because Bob is a VERY good husband, he indulged my neurosis & ate another bite... This time it stayed down.

Okay, so onto Friday, January 2nd... I took Angelina to the Dr. & got some antibiotics.... THEN, I dropped off both kids at my parents' house for the night. BTW, Caroline is suffering from a really bad cough, too. My poor parents... I left two sick kids, a hot-steam vaporizer & a shit-load of medication at my parents house today at about 2:30. I just called to make sure everything was okay ... According to my Mother, Caroline announced that she is entering a "horse race" as a HORSE!!! Well, got to go spend some quality, ALONE time with my husband. Below are some photos of New Year's Eve...

Quick Complaint

Okay, there is something that I don't understand... AND for once, it doesn't involve my children. Why are there people out there who call themselves "intellectuals"? I know, this really has nothing to do with anything, but it is something that has been driving me crazy for quite some time. I mean really, who has the audacity to label him/herself a "deep thinker"? Is it just me OR does that not shout "I am an idiot with low self-esteem"? Okay, there, I'm done. Thank you.

We Reached A Milestone Today!

I actually went to a movie today with Angelina & Caroline - My girls, my BIG girls. There was no squirming, no whining, nothing... Just my 2 big girls, sipping on cokes & munching on popcorn. I couldn't believe it. It is a moment that I have been waiting for, for a long time. I have fond memories of my Mother & I going to the movies. We spent some great times in movie theatres. We went to a midnite showing of "Pet Cemetery" at the Dollar Theatre when I was in the 8th grade - We ended up scared to death & we still talk about it to this day. I have gone to the movies with the girls before, but in the past it has involved me chasing Caroline around the theatre after about 30 minutes into the show. But today was different, it was something that almost brought me to tears.... Okay, almost... I'm not that sappy. On a much funnier note, when we got home from the movie, Caroline immediately went & laid down on our bed & complained that her tummy hurt (I'm sure the popcorn, fruit chews & Dr. Pepper had nothing to do with it). To emphasize just how bad her tummy hurt, Caroline started breathing quite heavily. THEN, something completely unexpected happened.... Angelina crawled up onto the bed, looked at Caroline AND with total disgust in her voice said, "I know what's going on here... Caroline is 3 years old AND she is having a baby." She shook her head back & forth in complete disappointment & shame AND left the room. I laughed so hard, I nearly peed my pants. Caroline went to sleep & I promptly called my Mother.

The Christmas Miracle Arrived... Just in Time!

I managed to successfully cook Christmas Eve dinner in ovens that heated to unknown temperatures & had to be turned on & off at the breaker box. Seriously, I had no idea what temperature I was cooking the turkey at... I just threw the bird in & when it turned brown, I took it out & threw it on the table! Not bad... Not bad at all. Angelina & Caroline had a wonderful Christmas. As always, Tuey & Papa really came thru with some fabulous gifts. After watching High School Musical repeatedly, (a gift from Grandpa Neil & "P") the girls were THRILLED to receive the High School Musical costumes from Tuey & Pappa! Last year we set up the Christmas tree in the family room, but this year we put it in the formal living room. Concerned that Santa would come down the chimney in the family room, not see a Christmas tree & leave, the girls made paper arrows & placed them on the floor, leading from the fireplace to the living room. After securing the path, the girls set out cookies & milk for Santa. Caroline went the extra step & placed a bottle of Tums next to the cookies. That Caroline is ALWAYS thinking. Okay, onto Christmas Morning---- Because Angelina & Caroline were so good this year, Santa delivered everything they asked for - Angelina received her "Barbie & the Diamond Castle" Castle & Caroline received her CAROUSEL size riding horse. Below are some photos of the kids.... Enjoy!

Christmas Miracle... I'm WAITING!!!!

First of all, let me start by wishing everyone a lovely Christmas. Now that that's out of the way, I am going to complain about my last 24 hours. At 2pm yesterday, my new double ovens were installed. I was excited ... They were here just in time for my Christmas Eve cooking extravaganza. At 6pm, the girls & I decided to break-in the new ovens by making cupcakes. The cupcakes baked to perfection - I was happy, the girls were happy, Christmas was proceeding as planned. As I blissfully skipped past the ovens, I turned them off. However, about 7:45 Bob discovered that BOTH ovens were still on... That's right, my ovens are possessed! We tinkered with everything we could & nothing worked, so Bob finally went outside to the breaker box & cut the power. Upon his return, as he walked through the front door, he noticed that there was a freakin' bird sitting in our Christmas tree - NOT the ornament kind. We had to turn off all the lights in house, while Bob stood in the front doorway shining a flashlight to attract the bird outside. There we all stood in a pitch-dark house, ducking & screaming while the bird flew around like a nut, running into walls. The bird finally exited the house. We have no idea how the bird got in the house or how long it had been sitting in our fake Christmas tree. I haven't checked because I don't want to, but I am pretty sure there is bird crap on the packages. Oh well, I guess that's what wrapping paper is for. In case you're wondering, Bob restored power to the ovens this morning, so I cook the turkey. Supposedly GE will be out on Friday... IF the ovens don't explode before then!!!!!!!!!