The Goddess of Love & Beauty

If you're on FaceBook, then you have probably already seen this photo. Yes, this is a photo of my 2nd grader, aka Aphrodite, modeling her outfit for the 2nd grade Greek Olympics. Let me ask you, did you look like this when you were in the 2nd grade? I did not ... AND I didn't look this way when I was 21 either. BTW, this little beauty also has a BIG BRAIN! We just received her reading level assessment from school - Aphrodite is 7 years old, but her reading level is that of a student exiting the 6th grade & entering the 7th grade. Go ahead, roll your eyes & complain to whoever is sitting near you that I am an obnoxious mother who shamelessly brags about her children... Go ahead & do it, because I would! Now, I must go write the next post about Caroline's most recent antic! Stay tuned...

Why I Love My Mother

So, we bought a new outdoor grill yesterday. Bob used it for the first time last nite, but he is still getting used to cooking on it. Tonite, as I was talking to my Mother on the phone, Bob came in from grilling our ribeyes & said, "Damn, I just burned the hair off my knuckles." I told my Mother that I needed to go because Bob had just burned the hair off his "knuckles". That's when my Mother said, "Oh no, that's terrible... Bob burned the hair off his nuts". Betty White has NOTHING on my Mom!

Stupid Tooth Fairy!

For the past 2 years, poor little Caroline has had to sit on the sidelines & watch Angelina's teeth fall out one by one. For the past 2 years, she has had to listen to Angelina ponder what the Tooth Fairy would bring next time. Well finally, Caroline lost her first tooth! And it was when Caroline's dream came true, that my nightmare began... Here's the story:

As the Mann girls slept soundly in their beds, the Tooth Fairy tiptoed into their room and carefully placed a KitKat under Caroline's pillow. About 1:15 am, the Tooth Fairy woke up and began to worry that Caroline was expecting money, not candy. Poor, poor Tooth Fairy - there was so much pressure to get things PERFECT. In an abundance of caution, the Tooth Fairy jumped out of bed & proceeded to ransack the house in search of cash. Because the Tooth Fairy only uses her debit card, she could not locate any cash. THEN, the Tooth Fairy remembered seeing a $1 bill stashed in the girls' kitchen in the playroom. So in the dead of nite, the Tooth Fairy crept into the playroom, grabbed the $1 bill & placed it underneath Caroline's pillow. Feeling a little guilty about stealing from children, the Tooth Fairy vowed to replace the $1 bill the very next morning, after the girls left for school. Feeling confident that nothing could go wrong, the Tooth Fairy went back to sleep. About 5 hours later, when Caroline woke-up, she rushed into her parents' bedroom & exclaimed, "The Tooth Fairy brought me candy AND money!"

Sounds like a fairy tale, doesn't it? Sounds like that Tooth Fairy executed a pretty fool-proof plan, right? Just wait....

For a split-second, as I stood in the kitchen making Caroline's breakfast, watching her scarf down the KitKat, all was right with the world. THEN, Caroline put down the KitKat and began to examine the $1 bill. THEN, Caroline turned to me & said, "Well, this is interesting, the Tooth Fairy stole the $1 bill from my kitchen and stuck it under my pillow." WHAT THE FU$#, is right!!! Stunned by the accusation, I started laughing & said, "Caroline, that's terrible, the Tooth Fairy doesn't steal money from children." That's when Caroline upped the ante & suggested we take a trip to the playroom. I swear that walk down the hall was the longest walk of my life. Like something out of a bad Perry Mason movie, Caroline walked over to her kitchen, opened the oven door & said, "See ... the $1 bill is gone". Thinking quick (and like a lying sack of shit) I confessed that I had taken her $1 bill the day before b/c I was out of money & needed it to buy my coffee. That's when Caroline dropped the mother of all bombs on me. Caroline actually said, "Well, that's strange b/c I mark all of my money with an "X""... THEN she flipped the $1 bill over & pointed to a tiny purple "X" next to George Washington's head!!!!

Completely out of rational excuses, I advised Caroline that the $1 bill that I took from her kitchen for my coffee also had a purple "X" on it, right next to George's head. THEN I told her that a lot of people mark their money (you know, like people named Vinnie, who take illegal gambling bets on horse races). And BTW, people, 7 AM is waaaayyy too early to be dealing with crap like this! Just when I thought I had successfully closed the book on this one, Caroline began crying b/c I had given her $1 bill to Dunkin Donuts (I switched from Starbucks). Damn - just when I thought the hole couldn't get any deeper!!! After listening to Caroline wail about her lost money for what seemed like hours- I told another lie. I promised Caroline that Dunkin Donuts kept their money in a big bag until the weekend & that if I asked, the manager would go thru the bag & find her dollar. Then I snuck into the marker box, grabbed a purple marker, told Bob to get the girls ready for school, hopped in the car, drove to Dunkin Donuts, got my coffee, obtained a $1 bill, pulled over in the parking lot to draw an "X" next to George's head, drove back home, gave the $1 bill to Caroline, which "the manager of Dunkin Donuts was so kind to retrieve from his big ole bag of money".... AND FINALLY, dropped a very happy 5-year old off at school.

Everyone Loves A Cookie

If I had a story to tell about Angelina, then you know I have a story about Caroline... Here goes... On August 16, 2010, I sent my 5-year old off to kindergarten as "Caroline Mann" - because that is her name . Well, a few days later, as I was walking Caroline into the kindergarten playground, I heard two little girls standing on top of the jungle gym yell, "Good morning, Cookie". I didn't pay any attention to them because I don't know anyone named "Cookie". I did pay attention, however, when Caroline yelled back, "Good morning." Before I could ask Caroline why those girls were calling her "Cookie", some kid walked by & said, "Hey Cookie, after you put your backpack down, wanna play". Despite my best interrogation tactics, "That's just what the kids call me now," was the only explanation I could get out of Cookie.

So the following week at school, as I am standing on the sidewalk watching Caroline play, I overhear some woman tell her daughter, "It's okay, honey, don't be shy... If you want to play with Cookie, just go over to her... Cookie seems very nice." After her daughter skipped off to play with Caroline, I approached the woman, pointed at Caroline & asked, "Did I just hear you call her "Cookie"?" In response, the woman said, "Yes, I did ... Isn't that a cute name?" I told her that I thought it was cute, but a little strange. THEN the woman got real close to me, looked around to make sure no one could hear & whispered, "I think Cookie is her real name." HOLD UP - that's when it hit me- this woman had absolutely no idea that she was talking to Cookie's Mom. This is also when I realized that there are people who actually think I named my child "Cookie". Feeling a little shocked to be on the receiving end of gossip about my own child, I pulled back from the woman, and said, "What? No - that is NOT her real name"! Then I got the, "Do you know her parents"? Yes, I do know Cookie's parents - I also happen to know that Cookie's Mom picked the wrong time to stop drinking.

The Power Of A Beautiful Girl Should NEVER Be Underestimated!

As you can imagine, my children's return to elementary school has provided me with some entertaining blog material. For the past 4 years, when the girls have come home from school, I have always asked the same question, "Did anything interesting happen at school today"? AND without fail, the answer has always been, "Moooommm, nothing happened, stop asking." Well finally, last Friday, I actually got a REAL answer to my question - from Angelina. And brace yourself, the story involved the opposite sex. As many of you know, Caroline is perpetually involved in boyfriend/girlfriend drama, but to hear Angelina mention a BOY was quite the shock. I was in even more shock when Angelina confessed that the little boy who sits next to her in class promised to buy her a Barbie Jeep and "not the jeep for my Barbie dolls, you know the big, battery powered jeep that Caroline & I can ride in when we go to the park." Following that statement came a lot of giggling, twinkling of the eyes, and "Mommy, I think he likes me... like THAT." Oh Dear God, reallly .... A Jeep?!?! In all my 34 years, no man has ever offered to buy me a car!!! Well, I take that back, Bob did buy me a Mini-Van, but I don't think that counts. Anyway, I wasn't exactly worried UNTIL Angelina came home with this kid's phone number the second week of school. Angelina had promised to call him at 4 o'clock sharp & after much begging & pleading, I gave Angelina the phone. To her great disappointment, no one answered & she had to leave a message. The following day when I saw the little boy, I asked, "Why did you want Angelina to call you?" Without one ounce of hesitation, he responded, "I need to get her address... So I can let Toys R Us know where to deliver the Barbie Jeep." Talk about nervous laughter. When I ran into this child's parents moments later, they asked me if I knew about the Barbie Jeep. They went onto explain that their son had come to them and asked for $350.00. THEN they told me how over the summer, he had called Cox Communications and successfully ordered, AND had installed, Internet service to his bedroom. Needless to say, I am expecting a Barbie Jeep to be delivered to our home any day now! Below is a photo of my beautiful Angelina on the 1st day of school ... You can't blame the poor kid... I mean, who could resist those beautiful green eyes with blue sparkles?

Introducing (Drum Roll, Please).... TASHA!

Because I can't write about my HOO-HA every time, I decided to write about something completely NON-HOO-HA related ... Sooooo, if you've been reading my blog, then you know all about my two daughters, Angelina & Caroline - darling little girls, who bring loads of sunshine to my life. And now, after much consideration & inner reflection, I have decided to finally introduce my third daughter, Tasha, to the world. If you look above, you will see a photo of Tasha. And yes, you are staring at a photo of a little girl who appears to be Caroline looking, well, evil. FYI - When Caroline does bad things, loses her temper, announces that she wants to be adopted by a better family, she turns into someone she refers to as "Tasha". And altho Angelina is hugging Tasha in this particular photo, Angelina usually FEARS her. I have personally witnessed the horrific actions of Tasha, and believe me, Angelina has every reason to be scared. Seriously, I have already started writing a script for a LifeTime movie based on the evil-doings of Tasha.

So this past week, a great friend & fellow lawyer posted a New York Times article, which discussed whether women can really have "it all". As an attorney who runs her own law firm, AND who is in the process of raising two little girls (three, if you count Tasha), I am here to tell you that women CANNOT have it all. Sorry to all of the optimistic women out there, but it's the truth ... AND, here's why. Picture it, a typical weekday morning...

Bob was at a deposition and I was working in the home office when opposing counsel called. Now before I go on, let me tell you about the chaos that had already ensued prior to the phone call. Angelina wanted popcorn for breakfast, I obliged. I threw the bag in the microwave & tossed the finished product into a bowl - VOILA! Breakfast! The whole thing seemed easy enuf, but before I knew it, I heard screaming from the family room. When I came around the corner, Angelina was throwing her popcorn in the trashcan. Of course, I asked why she was throwing away her breakfast. This is the explanation I got: "Tasha took off her panties & put her butt on top of my bowl of popcorn... Now, my popcorn is covered in Tasha's butt germs." Fabulous! I challenge anyone working at a Big Firm to top this story!!! HA, it can't be done!

Anwyay, moving on.... After making another bag of popcorn & banishing the girls to the playroom, the office phone rang. Before answering, I yelled down the hall, "Girls, Mommy is answering the office phone, BE QUIET!" I answered the phone, only to be confronted by gripey opposing counsel. My thoughts of "Not this guy", quickly turned to "Oh SHIT" - as Tasha came marching down the hall playing her freakin' cymbals! I put my hand over the mouthpiece of the phone & snapped "STOP", but Tasha could not hear me over the bashing of the cymbals. As a last resort, I began throwing legal pads into the hallway, all in a an effort to get her attention. Again, no success. Finally, I walked out of the office, and with my hand still over the mouthpiece, I jumped in front of Tasha & mouthed a very angry "STOP IT". Unfortunately, in the process of doing so, the phone cord knocked over my coffee on the office desk & it spilled all over some pleadings. Three hours later when Bob arrived home & asked why his pleadings were covered in dried coffee, I told him not to ask. UGGGHHH!

The Magic Wand!

Aaaahhh, the good old magic wand... You're thinking of princesses, fairies, magicians, aren't you? Well think again, my friend. Sorry, but I am taking this post down below... Now, back to my IUD.

In case you didn't know, six weeks after you get your IUD, you have to come back for an ultrasound, to make sure that everything is in place. Oddly enuf, no one asked me to come back for an ultrasound after my 1st IUD - I guess Bob & I have been living dangerously for the past 5 years. Anyway, it just so happened that my ultrasound appointment fell on the day after Caroline got out for summer vacation. I figured that the ultrasound was going to be the standard, external "let's check on the fetus development" ultrasound, so I brought Caroline with me to the appointment. So, they call my name & I go back & get situated in the very dark ultrasound room. The technician enters the room & says, "Ok, all I need you to do is take your underwear off & put your feet in the stirrups." If I could have screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO", I would have. WTF?!?! That's right, I was completely blindsided by a vaginal ultrasound. Before I could say anything, Caroline informed the ultrasound technician that I was not wearing any underwear - Yes, Strike #2! Although in my defense, this time I was wearing my swimsuit, so there was something covering my Hoo-Ha. Going on.... So I took off my bikini bottoms & positioned myself in "the chair". That's when the technician, held up her instrument & said "Okay, all I am going to do is insert the MAGIC WAND & check to make sure your IUD is in place." Thank you, thank you, technician lady, for calling your vaginal probing device a "Magic Wand." Seriously? WTF, is wrong with you? Caroline put her face right next to mine & whispered in my ear, "Oh Mommy, she is going to put a magic wand in your TeeTee, can I watch?" Luckily, I was able to fight back my visions of CPS calling for an investigation, just long enuf to tell Caroline, "NO."

You know, I have spent the past 7 years of my life trying to be the best mother that I can be... AND then, out of nowhere, come these bizarre situations that I have absolutely no control over. And no, I don't have any photos to share along with this post!

My IUD Horror Story

Well, I guess the title pretty much says it all. At some point during the next five years (the lifespan of my IUD), I have got to come up with some other form of birth control. Before I go on, please keep in mind that this post is not for persons with penises - why? Because there is no way that a person with a penis could appreciate the horrendous pain & anguish suffered by my girly parts during my recent IUD replacement. Seriously, my cervix & my uterus may need to seek counseling. That being said, here goes.... As many of you know, I received my 5-year IUD about 6 weeks after giving birth to Caroline. Not to be graphic, but when I went in, the Dr. basically tossed the damn thing in - I mean I had just had a baby, so there was no need to stretch anything - I think you get the picture. The experience was so easy, breezy that I had no fears about going in for my replacement. I had felt absolutely nothing the first time, so why would it be different this time? Oh Dear God, I am so stupid! When I walked into the examination room, I encountered my first clue that things were not going to go smoothly - On the "equipment table" sat a 6 INCH needle & syringe. Talk about panic setting in. When my Dr. came into the room, I said, "Hey, what 's that needle for"? She responded, "Well, you could do without it, but I wouldn't recommend it." FABULOUS. All I can say is "Sorry" to all of those poor women who were waiting to be seen that day - when that needle went in, I screamed. I'm not talking about a dainty yell, I am talking about an extremely loud, "OMG what the hell are you doing down there" scream. To fast forward, the Dr. removed my old IUD & put in the new one & instructed me to sit up. I sat up and then immediately passed out. That's right, folks I fell right over. The next thing I knew, the Dr. was shoving some foul smelling cotton stick up my nose. Before I go on, I must warn you that things only go down hill from this point. Anyway, after I sat up and drank some water, a nurse came in & said that she was instructed to help me get dressed. Talk about picking the wrong day not to wear underwear. Uggghhh. You know, when I got dressed that morning, I thought "Why wear underwear, I'm just going to have to take them off". So, the nurse hands me my bra, she hands me my dress & then she asks, "Ummmm.... where are your underwear"? I had to go into a long, awkward explanation as to why I wasn't wearing underwear. Hadn't I suffered enuf?!?!? Well, the answer to that question is "No." After getting into my car and driving off, I became incredibly sick - that's right I started vomiting in the car. Good thing, I always keep a plastic grocery bag in the front passenger seat. I had to pull over into a nearby hospital parking lot & call Bob to come and get me. Seriously ladies, this entire experience was worse than childbirth! My advice - get your husbands snipped!

Happy Mother's Day!

Because it's Mother's Day, I am going to take a break from posting about my own adventures in parenting & reflect on a few of my Mother's sayings & doings, which I have had the privilege of witnessing first-hand over the years. Happy Mother's Day, Mom!!!

* In search of the perfume Anais Anais for my sister's birthday, my Mother approaches the perfume counter at Dillard's & tells the saleswoman, "My daughter just loves the smell of Anus Anus."

* Again, shopping with my Mother... She finds a shawl that she wants to put on hold. She tells the saleswoman, "I am going to one last store, but I want to put this on hold ... I'll be back in a few minutes." The saleswoman takes the shawl, gets a piece of paper and a pen & asks, "Who am I holding this for"? My Mother responds, "For me, Silly!"

* Sitting down at the dinner table, my Mother poses this poignant question to one of our guests, "Exactly how do you say 'Juan' in Spanish?"

* When asked her opinion of the theory that the world will end in 2012, my Mother responds, "I'm good with the world ending in 2012, as long as it doesn't involve me walking long distances."

* In response to my comment that Angelina didn't like the puppet show that performed for her class at school, my Mother says, "Oh, was it one of those sex puppet shows? Ugghh". WTF?!?!?!

Is my Mother hilarious or what? She is going to kill me... He He he He He he he.....

The Fall Off The Wagon Hurt!

As some of you know, about 2 weeks ago I hopped on the wagon in an effort to lose 7 pounds & banished my precious Pinot Noir from the house. Although a sad, sad state of affairs, the two weeks didn't kill me b/c I had an end in sight - MY BIRTHDAY! I promised myself that I would reunite with Pinot for my birthday celebration - no woman should be forced to age without a cocktail, right? Now, if you know me, then you know that I drink wine every nite (it's why I'm such a good cook). I'm certainly not an alcoholic (I know, I know, overcoming "denial" is one of the 12 Steps), but I'm also not a light-weight when it comes to wine consumption. So you can imagine how stunned I was when I woke up the morning after my birthday with a full-blown hangover. FYI - I haven't had a hangover since 1994!

How did it happen? Did I go to a bar & get crazy with the shots? No, I'm too old for that crap - I just walked down the street & enjoyed several glasses of wine at my neighbor's house with all of the other wonderful moms in my neighborhood (Check out the photo below)! In fact, I was home by 10:15 - hell, we're moms, we do things efficiently, and that includes drinking. Everything seemed to be going smoothly - I was in bed by 11 - I even slept great. BUT when Caroline woke me up at 6:30 the next morning for some chocolate milk, I seriously thought I was going to die. I haven't felt like that since the "trash can punch incident" my freshman year of college. However, having a hangover when you are 34 and a Wife/Mother is NOT the same as having a hangover when you are 18 and ALONE in a dorm room. OMG, it was just awful ... And here's why:

Vomiting With An Audience: As I clung to the toilet for dear life in the girls' bathroom, Caroline sat on the side of the bathtub, right next to me, & read out loud in a booming voice a book entitled "Don't Touch, It's Hot". The child demonstrated absolutely no sympathy for me. In fact, she acted as though me clinging to a toilet was a part of our everyday routine. At some point, Angelina walked by the bathroom, popped her head in & said, "Are you throwing up? ... That's disgusting". THEN, she just walked off. There was no "Are you okay, Mom"? or "Are you going to die, Mom"?

Bathing With Barbie: At one point, I thought a hot bath would make me feel better, so I crawled into the girls' bathtub. As I sat there praying (FYI - I am quite religious when vomiting is involved), Caroline hopped into the tub with me. THEN she started making her Barbie doll talk to me. That's when I realized that God was punishing me for only praying when I vomit.

The Clueless Husband In Search of Food: Finally feeling better, I crawled into Caroline's bed and fell asleep. About 8am, Bob came into the girls' room & nudged my arm. That's when he notified me that we were out of "Multi-Grain Cheerios". My reply: "Bob, I nearly died earlier, did you not hear me throwing up"? Bob's response, "Oh, I thought the cat was hacking up a hair ball ... I'm so sorry" - Less than a minute later, I hear - "Girls, get dressed we're going to McDonald's for breakfast."

Luckily, I was 100% by 10 am & Bob saved the day by taking me out for a post-birthday dinner. Needless to say, I haven't had a drink since my birthday... It will be awhile...

It's Finally Over!

You have no idea how happy I am that all of the holidays are FINALLY done! First there was Christmas, then the girls' birthday, THEN my wedding anniversary and at last, Easter. Holidays were a lot more fun when I wasn't Santa Claus & the freakin' Easter Bunny - oh, and the Tooth Fairy, I am also the Tooth Fairy. Attorney & Mother by day - Fictional character by nite - the moonlighting is killing me! And by the way, why am I not getting paid for the Mother/Fictional Character thing? All logistics aside, with another year of holidays passing, I am confronted with the reality that my girls are growing up. For example, yesterday I made our FINAL payment to Caroline's preschool. You can't possibly imagine the magnitude of this milestone. For the past 4 years (Angelina & Caroline's preschool combined), we have paid El Dorado Private School the equivalent of 4 years of in-state college tuition. That's right, folks - Bob & I are complete idiots. We paid college tuition, yet neither child walked away with a degree! Sure Caroline can recite her ABC's, and yes, she can count to 20 & say the days of the week in Spanish & French, but where is her Bachelor's Degree???? Where I ask you??? AND even more curious - why the French? We live in Arizona - Who the hell is speaking French around here? I'll tell you "who" -Caroline, that's it - NO ONE else! Oh well, shit happens - and apparently, so does tuition. I'm just happy the whole thing is over!

So before I go on to tell you a wholly unrelated story, I would like to point out that below are some very touching Easter photos of Angelina & Caroline. Now onto the "wholly unrelated" story. As some you might recall, last Easter, I called my Mother only to learn that my dear relative "Ramona's" vagina had fallen out. If you are new to this blog, I encourage you to check out the archive - very interesting story. ANYWAY, nothing near as fascinating happened this year on Easter, but I must share with you my Mother's Easter dream. Now, when I say "dream", I am not referring to some awe-inspiring vision that my Mother holds with respect to the future of our nation's children. No - I am referring to an actual "nighty-nite dream" that my Mother had - while asleep - on Easter. Here goes....

My Mother & Father have been invited to the White House for dinner - during George W. Bush's first term. During dinner, my Mother drops her white, linen napkin under the table & reaches down to pick it up. That's when she discovers that lurking under the table are boxes & boxes of tampons & tons and tons of KY Jelly. When my Mother comes back up from retrieving her napkin, she inquires why there are tampons & tubes of KY underneath the presidential dinner table. That's when President Bush responds, "Oh, those were left over from the Clinton Administration."

If my Mother doesn't kill me for posting the aforementioned, I will write again in a couple of days!

Why Do Dogs Need Muzzles?

WTF is up with muzzles for dogs? I know they can bark & all, but why waste a muzzle on a dog, when you could put it on a child? Seriously, when was the last time your dog barked something to a neighbor - something that you said behind closed doors, with absolutely no intention of it being made public & embarrassing the hell out of you? EXACTLY - Never!!! My children, on the otherhand, froth at the mouth with crap that should NEVER be said! I have had a week full of "will someone please muzzle my child" moments:

Caroline Can Solve The Immigration Crisis: For Christmas my parents bought Caroline the American Girl Doll, Josefina Montoya. As you can discern from the name, the doll is of Mexican descent and comes dressed in traditional Mexican attire. Hell, she even came with a pet goat. Anyway, every Thursday is "Show & Share" in Caroline's class at school. This past Thursday, Caroline decided to "Show & Share" Josefina Montoya - well, kind of. Before school, Caroline rummaged thru her doll clothes chest, disrobed Josefina & dressed her in leggings & a hoodie. THEN, she stuck a big, hot-pink bow in Josefina's hair. When "Show & Share" rolled around later that afternoon, Caroline introduced Josefina Montoya to her class as "Chloe". Caroline further explained that "Chloe" had arrived as a "Mexican", but that she had "fixed her" & transformed her into a real girl. I had another classmate's father jokingly inquire whether Bob & I stowed our white hoods in the trunk of our car or at home... Thank you, Caroline, thank you.


Your Secrets Are NOT Safe With Her: Our neighbor has a daughter in the 4th grade, who Angelina & Caroline absolutely adore. The little girl, who I will call "Jill", stops by the house occasionally & asks if the girls want to come play at her house. Unless we have to be somewhere, we let Angelina & Caroline go over to play. Well last weekend, after a 2 hour stint at Jill's house, Angelina & Caroline revealed that Jill & her friend spent the playdate "prank calling" people. For some bizarre reason, it was not until this very moment that Bob & I realized that our 5 year old daughter should not being hanging out with a 4th grader! Clearly, there is a HUGE difference between the two ages. THEN, after Caroline fell asleep for the nite, Angelina further confessed that Caroline had suggested Jill prank call the police - she didn't. Just fabulous, right? So, the very next day, I explained to Angelina & Caroline that I didn't think it was appropriate for them to be having playdates with Jill given the age difference. I suggested that if they wanted to play with Jill, they could all go to the park behind our house, where I could supervise. Look, I am not naive, I know that 10 year olds prank call people - hell I have personally prank called tons of people, but it's not what a 7 & 5 year should be doing in their spare time. So later that same week, when I drove to pick up Angelina from school, she asked if she could walk home with Jill. Because the school is one street over from our house & because I was tailing them in my car, I said, "Yes." When the girls passed Jill's house, Jill's mother came out to greet them. I pulled into our driveway & waited for Angelina to walk the rest of the way home. That's when Angelina yelled, "Mommy, come down here, Jill's Mom wants to talk to you." Immediately I knew that something was wrong ... my stomach dropped & my face felt like it was on fire. I reluctantly walked down to Jill's house. That's when Jill's mother explained that when Jill asked Angelina if she could come over to play, Angelina had explained that I was forbidding the girls from playing with Jill ever again - Because Jill was a bad influence. Talk about a deer caught in the headlites. Foolishly thinking that Angelina would back me up, I responded that in actuality, I had explained to the girls that Jill was interested in doing 4th grade things - things that they were not quite interested in yet. That's when Angelina said, "Mommy, that is NOT what you said... YOU SAID, that Jill was doing bad things & that you didn't want us playing with her anymore". Wow. The kid totally turned on me. It was awful. I went onto try & talk my way out of the situation, but Jill's mother clearly was not buying my explanation & I clearly wanted to run... AND I NEVER RUN!

Did You Miss Me?

Hello, All!!! Have you missed my complaining over the past few months? Why the long time off?Because my life has been absolutely insane since Christmas. Between the girls' schedules & Bob's work schedule, I haven't had time to do anything but bathe & drink wine. Well wait a minute, that's not entirely true. I have been brushing my teeth on a daily basis, but if I am going to be completely honest, I must admit that I don't always floss. ANYWAY, it's been so freakin' long that I don't know where to begin ... So, in order to be concise & to not to bore you with all of the sordid details, I am going to list some of my most memorable "WTF Moments" from the past few months:

1. Don't Shoot The Messenger: Quick Refresher - Back in November, we took the girls to the "Polar Express" for a weekend in Northern Arizona. Angelina & Caroline got to ride a train in their pajamas to the North Pole to visit Santa Claus - just like the book & movie "The Polar Express". Keep in mind that this is a trip that EVERYONE with children in Scottsdale takes. Now onto the story - While at a birthday party for one of Caroline's classmates in January, another mother informed me that while volunteering in the classroom in December, Caroline stood up & told the class that she had an important announcement to make. According to the mother, Caroline told the class that the Polar Express was a fraud. She proceeded to explain to all of her innocent, non-jaded 4-year old classmates that a trip to the North Pole had to last longer than 20 minutes. Caroline concluded her announcement with the following: "Please don't tell my parents what I have told you, they spent a lot of money on the trip & they think they actually went to the North Pole." Thank you, Caroline, for being so considerate of our feelings. Check out the photo to the right... Who the hell knew she was thinking, "Move it along, Old Man... You're a Fake".

2. My IUD Replacement: Speaking of being "Woo'd", as many of you know, I had a 5-year IUD put in after I had Caroline. Well, Caroline just turned 5, so I'm sure you can guess where this is going.... Mama needs a replacement! Anyway, we just switched to a "Health Savings Account". I don't know how many of you are familiar with HSAs, but basically you upfront all of your healthcare costs until to you meet your deductible & there are additional tax benefits. So, approaching my IUD replacement date, I called my OB/GYN's office to inquire how much my IUD would cost with the new insurance plan. That's when I was told that my IUD would cost "870.00." Yes, that's cheaper than having another baby, but WTF?!?!? As you can imagine, I was unable to contain my horror at the cost of my birth control. That's when the billing lady said, "Well, you can save $135 if you forgo the local anesthesia". Again, WTF?!?!?! Look, I may be cheap, but when it comes to my "Hoo-Ha", I am really not looking to cut costs. Brace yourself - the billing lady then says, "You know, you're being charged $35 for the bowl the doctor uses to hold your current IUD after its removal." Nice... I can only surmise that she was hinting I cut $35 off of my bill by bringing some old, used piece of Tupperware for the doctor to use. AGAIN, not where I am looking to cut costs!

3. Happy Birthday, Babies!: Luckily, there is no horror involved in this story... Angelina turned 7 on February 13th & Caroline turned 5 on March 1st. I can't believe my babies are so old! But of course, no matter how old they get, they will always be my babies.