Give the Kid some Hay!

As many of you know, Angelina is obsessed with horses. She wears dresses with horses on them, she wears panties with horses on them, her backpack & lunch box have horses on them... She really probably needs meds for this, but I think I can handle it. So as I was putting Angelina to bed last nite, I experienced one of those very special moments, where as a mother, you take a long look at your child & realize how beautiful he/she truly is. Moved by overwhelming emotion, I told Angelina that she was the most beautiful 5yr. old I knew, both inside & out. Angelina gazed into my eyes & responded in a very serious voice, "Mommy, I am not a beautiful person on the inside.... I am a horse on the inside." Fabulous!

Amazing!

Well, miracle of all miracles, Angelina managed to get ready for school yesterday WITHOUT one complaint. I even managed to receive a Green conduct circle for making "good choices". Yes, somehow I am now trying to earn good conduct marks from my 5yr. old.

Seriously?

Okay, school started for both kids on August 11th. Angelina loves kindergarten, the teacher, the social scene, the whole thing... Believe me, I'm thankful that I'm not "That Guy" whose kid clings to his leg every morning when the kids are led from the playground into the school. It really is a horrific scene to witness- they actually have to pry his daughter off of his leg & drag her kicking & screaming into school. If that were my daughter, I think I would skip the trip to Starbucks after morning drop-off & go straight to the liquor cabinet. Anyway, I do have my own problem... WITH Angelina. Every morning she wakes up in a great mood. She eats breakfast, watches her cartoons, etc. THEN, about 15 minutes before we load into the car & drive to school, she turns into the 5 yr. old from hell. She yells at me, complains about her clothes- I think you get the picture. She moans & groans all the way to school, BUT as soon as we get there, she stops complaining, plays with her friends & goes into school with a big smile on her face. Before I continue with my own ranting & raving, let me give you some background facts that will become pertinent in a moment: (1) When Angelina was in preschool, at the end of each day she would either receive a "I Made Good Choices Today Note" or a "I Made Bad Choices Today Note" from her teacher; (2) In kindergarten, at the end of each day she either receives a Green (Excellent), Yellow (Okay) or Red (BAD) circle on her conduct calendar; and FINALLY (3) Every Friday, I bring Angelina a special lunch & eat with her at school.

So after a particularly difficult morning with Angelina today, I decided to give her an ultimatum after school. Unfortunately, it did not go as planned. I picked her up from school, gave her a snack, then sat her down & asked why she acted like a crazy woman every morning before school. Angelina responded as follows, "Mommy, I would be nice if you didn't make so many bad choices in the morning." What the hell? As you can imagine, this really irritated me, so I threatened back with "If your behavior doesn't change, I am not going to bring you lunch on Fridays... It's your choice." I was really proud of myself for putting my foot down. I felt really in-charge... I was definitely wielding the parent power!!! I am the boss, right?

Well following this lovely exchange, Angelina went into the playroom, got out a piece of paper, drew a calendar for the month of August, wrote "Emily" at the top of it & gave me a RED circle for today. THEN, she informed me that my behavior needed to change or she would call my parents. She went onto say that as punishment, I would have to stay in my room with the door shut & I could only come out to cook.

By the way, Angelina's class made sun visors today & she turned hers into a CROWN... See the photo to the right!

Ummm... More Coffee, Please

Okay, I can already feel the Monday creeping on.... As some of you already know, I am addicted to Starbucks. Every morning, I drag my sleepy ass out of bed & into the car. Seriously, I get into the car in my pajamas & slippers,bedhead included, & drive to my Starbucks drive-thru for my morning coffee. They know me by name, all I have to do is say "Hi" & immediately they recognize my annoying voice... I don't even have to order. I consider the Starbucks employees my personal friends and/or dealers, however you want to look at it. Seriously, I have seen these women every day for the past year. Anyways, this morning, as I was getting my coffee, I experienced an "Elaine on Seinfeld" moment. I pulled up to the drive-thru window & waited for my coffee. As I was waiting, some guy inside the store approached the counter & ordered "A Big Passion", I guess he meant the Passion-Flavored iced-tea. Well, the woman working the drive-thru ( I won't mention her name) said, "Emily, did you hear that? That guy just said he wanted some Passion".... So, there she was laughing about his guy's order .... THEN, for some unknown reason, I said, "Yeah, it's like when the person in front of you at Subway says they need a 6-Inch Spicy Italian". Unfortunately, my early morning penis joke was met with complete silence & a blank stare. I laughed awkwardly & drove off. Uggghhhh.... How does stuff like this happen to me???

Someone Pass the Wine!

Okay, so it was one of those days. I dropped Angelina off at school at 9am, went to Starbucks & got Caroline to ballet/tap at 9:30. After dance, I came home, fed Caroline lunch & got her to school at 12:15. Then, I went grocery shopping, came home, unloaded the groceries & picked up Angelina and Caroline from school. After getting everyone home, I fed Caroline dinner, gave Angelina a snack & took Angelina to ballet. Ballet was a complete cluster f&*$ (excuse my language). First, the class was beyond full. The director of the dance studio tried to calm down the mass of angry mothers by promising that the class would be divided into 2 classes. THEN, all of the mothers of the children in the competitive dance company raised their pitchforks in defiance & started yelling that their lives revolved around their children’s dance schedule & that THEY would not be changing classes. The angry villagers then went on to publicly announce that it was obvious some of the children in the class had never danced before & did not belong in the advanced class. Oh the joy of extracurricular activities. I didn’t say a word- NOT because I didn’t care, but because Caroline kept blowing on my arm & yelling, “Mommy, quit tooting.” That’s all I needed- for a bunch of bitchy women to think I was farting in public. After surviving Angelina’s dance class, we got home about 7:15. I threw the kids in the tub & then helped Angelina finish her homework. At about 8pm, Caroline climbed up on my lap & asked me to bring in the rocking chair from the garage & rock her to sleep. That glider has sat in our garage for the past year, waiting to be donated to GoodWill. Ordinarily, I would have said, “No”, but after today, I thought why should I deprive a 3yr. old of being rocked to sleep? So, I went into the garage & dragged the damn thing into our bedroom. I rocked Caroline to sleep & then Bob rocked Angelina to sleep… Now, if I could just get my Mom to come over & rock me to sleep….

No More Boob Talk

I know what you're thinking- "This woman is obsessed with boobs". I assure you that this is not a "Boob Blog"... I promise. So, on to an entirely different subject- my daughter, Baby Chippie. When she came home from school today, I asked her what she had for snack at school. In response to my question, Baby Chippie responded, "Poop". When I asked her who her best friend was at school, she responded, "The twins, Poop & Pee". So, I said, "Poo & Pee"?... Baby Chippie then clarified her response with "Yessarooni, Positooni". After this morning's "shoe fiasco," perhaps a 2nd glass of wine is warranted. By the way, to the right is a photo of Baby Chippie before riding her tricycle to school this afternoon. She wears those sunglasses every time she goes outside. She even wears them during recess... One more thing, in case you're wondering, I did not take Angelina shoe shopping after school. When I went to pick her up, I witnessed her walking normally for a pretty a long distance. Obviously, she is walking like a cripple in the mornings to drive me insane.

Thank God for Starbucks

Well, it is definitely a Monday. How can I be so irritated & it's only 10:40 AM?!?!?! Where to begin... I better bullet point this entry- So much unrelated crap...
(1) Angelina is shoe challenged. The child cannot walk in shoes other than flip-flops & ballet shoes. AND just my luck, you can't wear flip-flops to school. You should see the child walking to school in the morning, she looks like she is recovering from orthopedic surgery. It drives me CRAZY. She reminds Bob of the male maid from BirdCage. Before school started, we spent 3 HOURS at the mall looking for shoes... NOTHING felt right to her, so we ended up buying the best of the worst. I'm taking her back to the mall after school today... I have got to fix this!!!
(2) Children of porn stars should not be allowed to attend school with the rest of us. I know this sounds mean, but seriously.... I don't want to see the world's biggest pair of boobs at 8:45 in the morning when I drop my kid off at school. AND I am not exaggerating. We have a real live porn star & her videographer husband living in our neighborhood & they have 2 kids who attend Angelina's school. They aren't in kindergarten, Thank God! It was bad enuf when I had to give these people candy on Halloween... By the way, I thought this woman's boobs were part of her costume, until my neighbor explained that they were not costume pieces!
UPDATE: So, it turns out that it is NOT the neighborhood porn star who I have been seeing at morning drop-off, it is actually just ANOTHER woman with gignormous boobs... Apparently she uses them for recreation & not work.

Use The Formula!

If you are a mother who breastfed her children, then you know very well what breastfeeding does to your boobs. It's horrible, right? I remember the glory days when my boobs were these beautiful, size D assets, then I had kids & breastfed. My crowning jewels shrunk to a size B & then sagged. Of course, I was able to overcome this incredible physical downfall because my pediatrician & that crazy lady who conducted the breastfeeding seminar promised me that if I breastfed, my children would have indestructible immune systems. You do know that if you don't breastfeed, your children will die of TB, malaria, or some other crazy disease! Well, I breastfed the "oomf" right out of my bodacious tattas & now, on the 2nd, freakin' day of school, both Angelina & Caroline are sick!!!!!!!! For the past 5 years, we have spent a majority of our holidays on antibiotics. The stretch between Thanksgiving & Christmas of last year was the worst. As some of you may remember, we started out with Strep, proceeded onto the throw-up flu & then onto some unknown upper respiratory infection that lasted until New Year's Eve. So, if you are a Mother-To-Be & reading this, save your boobies & formula-feed your babies!!!

Can You Hear Me Giggling?

Okay, I am almost speechless, almost... BOTH of my children are going to school tomorrow! Angelina is starting kindergarten & Caroline is starting preschool. I remember when Angelina was about 8 months old & I dropped her off at the church daycare for an afternoon- As I drove away, a wave of sadness came over me. I felt like she was all grownup & I wanted another baby PRONTO. But after 3 years of living with these two monkeys, like any good zookeeper, I am ready to release them into the wild. I mean seriously, get a load of the photo at the right... I almost feel sorry for their teachers, almost. He he he he.

WHY??????

Okay, so I went in for the MRI on my breasts this past Monday morning. You will never believe what these people did to me... Brace yourself, ladies, for what I am about to tell you. First, the radiologist asked me where my lump was located. After I showed her, she taped an almond to my boob to mark the spot. Then, I had to take off my top & lay facedown on a table that had 2 holes cut out for my boobs to hang out!!! This thing could double as a midevil torture device. Mid-Way thru the MRI, I was shot back out of the tube... The radiologist entered the room & yanked on my boobs as they hung out the holes (Thank God, I'm not a gerbil). Keep in my mind that all this mayhem took place at 6:30 AM & I couldn't drink or eat anything 2 hours prior to the MRI... So, I had to endure all this freaky stuff WITHOUT a cocktail or coffee. When the MRI was over & I was left alone in my dressing room to get dressed, I took the tape off & ate the almond. Don't judge... I was starving! Of course, then I called my Mom on the way home & asked if it was okay that I just ate a radioactive nut. Luckily, my MRI results came back fine.... Now, onto the next family crisis....

Are You Kidding Me?

So, I have to go in for an MRI on my chest tomorrow morning & the Dr.'s office told me NOT to wear deodorant?!?! What the hell? It is 115 degrees here... Well, at least when I smell something, I won't have to guess who it is! Speaking of my boobs, I am reminded of a great story, which Bob will be horrified to discover I am sharing, but that makes it all the better. So, awhile back one of the cats threw-up on the living room carpet. As usual, I was late for something & was not fully dressed. On this particular day, I was missing my top, bra included. I was on my knees, hunched over the stain, feverishly scrubbing with all my might. WARNING: This visual may be highly disturbing. Anyway, Angelina came into the room & kneeled down beside me & said with deep sadness in her big, green eyes, "Oh, Mommy, your boobies have NO bones." Nothing like having a preschooler tell you that your boobs look like something out of a National Geographic spread. FABULOUS!

Who Is Bob?

It just occurred to me that most of the people reading this blog have never met my husband… Some are probably wondering, “Who is this man who was brave enuf to marry Emily?” I just asked him to pick up some Play-Doh that Caroline left on our new carpet & he responded by saying, “I don’t feel like picking this up, I gotta be candid with you.” Okay, so here is the run down on Bob:

1) He is probably the smartest person I know.

2) He is really funny… When I have been drinking.

3) He finds most things that come out of my mouth to be highly “inappropriate”. In fact, his coping mechanism is to stare out the nearest window when I start talking. My sister finds witnessing this practice to be hilarious.

4) My Mom calls Bob the “Toddler Whisperer” because the girls listen to what he says & actually do the things he is asking them to do… Most of the time.

5) He wouldn’t yell if he was on fire.

6) He is really confused & quite irritated by the fact that the children & I constantly run around the house is some state of undress. I think this irritation comes from the fact that the girls & I have become a neighborhood joke.

7) He is a really picky eater. So, I have to keep him out of the kitchen when I cook. He eats a TON of stuff that he claims to “NOT like”… He has no idea what I am putting in his food.

8) He puts up with my neurosis about death. We just signed the lease for our new law office & I made the Landlord insert a clause in the contract, which states that if Bob dies, I am released from the lease. OR maybe he puts up with the fact that I am cheap. Either way, he is very tolerant!

9) He doesn’t mind the fact that I talk to my Mom on the phone approximately 10 times a day.

10) He hates when I call myself “Fat”… GOTTA love that!