Move Over Griswalds, Here Come the Manns

So last Thursday, we decided to take a weekend trip up north to the mountains to enjoy some cooler weather & catch some fish with the kids. Well, what started out as a "quick" getaway unexpectedly turned into a lengthy, disease-ridden odyssey, which I thought would never end. But before I go on to tell you my story of woe, let me offer you one piece of advice ---NEVER, EVER, say, "Things can't possibly get worse". Believe me, I speak from experience --- when you make such a stupid statement, the universe has a funny way of really socking it to ya. Okay, moving on ... I have experienced so much random crap over the past 5 days that I am going to have to use a timeline to explain it all:

Saturday: After arriving at the house & unloading all of our crap, we jumped into the mini-van & headed off to the lake to go fishing. We had just snagged our special fishing spot, when Bob realized that he left the night crawlers back at the house. So we wouldn't lose our spot, Bob decided to drive back to the house alone & retrieve the bait. Well, less than 5 minutes after he left, Bob showed back up at the lake --- empty-handed. In my best "nagging wife" voice, I whined, "You forgot the worms AGAIIIINNN..." Apparently, Bob never made it back to the house because the steering went out on the mini-van. By the grace of God, Bob managed to veer off the road & safely stop the car in the middle of a forest, without hitting a tree. Now picture me calling AAA. When the customer service rep. asked me for our location, I said, "We're in the woods". I mean really --- our nearest major intersection was somewhere between a big ass elk & an evergreen!!! Luckily, the tow truck eventually found us & towed the van to some podunk mechanic shop, which of course, did not operate on weekends. Thank God we invited Bob's parents to join us on the trip because they acted as our chauffeur to & from the mechanic's shop.

Sunday: The Bible does not lie, folks - God does take a break on Sundays! He graciously allowed us one day to recuperate before drowning us with a huge wave of craptabulous luck.

Monday: Angelina awoke with what I deemed to be a scrape on her face & forearm. Bob thought it was something more & took Angelina to the local quack-shack for an official diagnosis. I thought he was crazy & paranoid, UNTIL the doctor concluded that the two "'scrapes" were actually staph infections. Ooops, looks like I missed that one. Go Bob! When I went to pick-up Angelina's prescription at the only major pharmacy in town, the salesclerk yelled back to the pharmacist, "Hey, the mother of that staph kid is here..." Damn, can you imagine having Herpes in this town?!? Okay, now onto the mini-van... According to Mr. Podunk Mechanic, the last guy who worked on our car forgot to put all the parts back. Apparently, we have been a traveling time bomb for the past 3 weeks! Anyway, Mr. Podunk advised us that he would have the missing part overnited from Phoenix. He assured us that the car would be as good as new on Tuesday & that we could return home that afternoon.

Tuesday: Excuse my language, but "Fu$% you, Chrysler" --- The dealership overnited the WRONG part to Mr. Podunk!!! Quick Sidenote: Before getting on the phone with Mr. Podunk, I put Caroline in the bathtub. Well, after hanging up the phone, I returned to the bathroom to check on Caroline. To my surprise, the lower region of Caroline's face was covered in blood. Yes, my darling child decided to shave off her mustache. Unfortunately, in the process, she nicked her upper lip, which proceeded to bleed profusely. Hopefully, her peach fuzz will grow back as peachfuzz ... If not, she will be the only preschooler at El Dorado Private School sporting a 5 o'clock shadow.

Wednesday: Caroline & I awoke to full-blown illness. It was now our turn to visit the town clinic. Keep in mind, by this time, news of the "swine flu" was all over the TV. When we arrived at the clinic there was only one person ahead of us. This person just happened to be Mario Gomez from Mexico, who was suffering from severe congestion, nausea & a mild fever. The only thing this guy wasn't doing was oinking, eating slop from a trough & rolling around in mud. After using the same pen as Mr. Gomez to sign in, I asked the receptionist for some hand sanitizer. Brace yourself --- they didn't have any hand-sanitizer. WTF?!?!? Final result: Caroline & I had a sinus infection and an ear infection. Really? I am 33 years old, I haven't had a freakin' ear infection since 1979!!!

Like any good story, there is a happy ending. The right part for the mini-van finally arrived & we rolled into Scottsdale at 6 o'clock last nite. Today is my birthday & although I am so congested that I can't even taste my birthday cake, I have never been happier ... to be home & alive. AND, I learned a very valuable lesson from this trip: Never Leave Home Without Your XANAX (I had to rely on Benadryl as a cheap substitute)! Below are some photos from the trip... Enjoy!

I'm Not Dead...

I'm just stuck on the vacation from hell... Don't worry, I will be blogging about the latest "Mann Family Adventure" as soon as we return to Scottsdale - If we make it. You have no idea what we have been through!!!!

Drum Roll, Please... And The Winning School Is....

Since I last posted about Alberta's school dilemma, we have done a ton of investigative reporting. Bob played "bad cop", I played "good cop" & together we successfully annoyed countless numbers of administrators & educators in the district. First, we found out why the district thinks that our current school's "Gifted & Talented" program may not be suitable for Alberta. Apparently, Alberta is "Profoundly Gifted". Sounds a tadbit "hoity toity" don't you think? Basically, she is a level above a "gifted student". Second, we visited the other school, which has a "Profoundly Gifted" class. The class has 1st & 2nd graders in it, with the 1st graders learning a 3rd grade curriculum & the 2nd graders learning a 4th grade curriculum. Important SideNote: If Angelina stays at her current school next year, she will still have time to mix & mingle with all the other 1st graders (aka, "her friends"), but at the other school, she will not have an opportunity to meet kids outside of the "profoundly gifted" class. Okay, so when Bob & I stepped into the "profound" classroom, we were shocked by the lack of diversity among the students. Out of 15 kids, there were only 2 girls & everyone was Indian except for one kid. Picture Angelina - talk about sticking out like a sore thumb! More shocking than the students, was the teacher's candor when we spoke to her about the students. She advised us that these kids have meltdowns continually thruout the day because they can't handle getting wrong answers. THEN, she told us that a few of the students are "scary smart" & completely lack social skills. While I definitely appreciated her honesty, it pretty much scared the crap out of me. Before I go any further with this, let me explain something about Angelina. Before we had our little comedian, Caroline, Angelina had no sense of humor. She took everything so seriously. It wasn't until Caroline came along & showed her how to laugh, that Angelina finally began to loosen up a little. Also, when Angelina receives a gift, she doesn't take the toy out of the box for months. Have you ever been on EBAY & seen people selling items from 1975, still new & in their box? Well, Angelina will be a hit on EBAY someday. Anyway, I make a concerted effort every day to encourage Angelina to live a little! Needless to say, I don't find the idea of Angelina sitting in a class, 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, with a bunch of kids crying over their shortcomings very enticing! I'm sorry, 1st grade should NOT involve meltdowns.

Today, we met with the "Gifted & Talented" 1st grade teacher at our school. Our meeting went well, & altho Bob & I are definitely going to need to supplement Angelina's school curriculum with additional work at home, we are pretty confident that she needs to stay at Grayhawk. Quite honestly, this entire process has been quite stressful. Why? Because I know Angelina ... If we make the wrong decision about this, she will blame me!!!!! You know, I have a great Aunt who will turn 103 in May. You know why she has lived this long? Because she never had kids. Take Home Message: Kids Kill!!!!

If It Looks Like A Duck & Walks Like A Duck...

So, yesterday at church, I had an interesting "Jewish" experience. Let me set the scene for you: the 9:15 service is over & everyone is exiting the church & moving outside onto the patio area to mix & mingle & drink coffee... Bob & I are trying to navigate our way thru the crowd, so we can reach the Sunday school building & pick up the girls. Well, somewhere between the coffee table & the cookie table, a very old man points directly at me & exclaims, "Hey there, yeah you, what nationality are you?" I walk closer to the little, old man & explain that I am a mix of Italian & Cherokee Indian. In response, he yells, "No you're not, you're Jewish." Although being called Jewish is not a rare occurrence for me, I will admit that this is the first time I have been called Jewish while attending a church service at my own Lutheran Church. Okay, so I tell the man that I'm not Jewish. To my surprise, he whips out a Star of David necklace from underneath his shirt & says, "Look I'm Jewish and believe me, I know a Jew when I see one . . . you ARE Jewish." Interesting, very interesting. This whole conversation left me with so many unanswered questions. For example, if we are both Jews, then why the hell are we hanging out at a Lutheran church on a Sunday morning? And secondly, this guy seemed to be an experienced Jew-Detector, so have my parents been lying to me all this time? Anyway, on the way home from church, Caroline overheard Bob & I discussing "the incident" & said, "Don't worry Mom, there's nothing wrong with being Jewish, I'm Jewish." Oh, we are all so confused....

Coffee, Tea or Smart Juice?

I may have gone to law school & I may possess a license to practice law, but Bob is the real lawyer in the family. I really like dressing up in a cute suit, slipping on a tall pair of heels & meeting with clients, but when it comes down to actually having to do "lawyer work", I have to pop a migraine pill, a Xanax & wash it all down with a glass of Pinot. Well, yesterday a new entrepreneurial opportunity presented itself to me ... well, kind of. You see, when I went to pick-up Angelina from school, Mrs. Kapur dropped a bomb on me. Apparently, based on Angelina's "smarty-pants" exam scores, the gifted/talented coordinator is recommending that Angelina transfer to a different elementary school for 1st grade, so she can be in a class with people "like her". WTF?!?!? And to think I always assumed Caroline would be the child asked to leave school. So for the past 24 hours, I have been trying to figure out where the hell we got Alberta Einstein. I can't do math, I bombed the SAT & my high school chemistry teacher actually told my Mother on "parent/teacher" nite - "Emily is a very slow learner". But after much consideration & because I really want to take sole credit for Angelina's brain power, I have reached the conclusion that breastfeeding made her smart. That's right folks, I suspect I produce "Smart Juice"... AND since I am still in production-mode (see earlier post if you're confused), it only stands to reason that I should start bottling the "Smart Juice" & selling it. Can't you see me standing outside "Whole Foods", at my own little stand, selling all-organic "Smart Juice"??? All kidding aside, we don't know what we are going to do with Alberta... We are going to visit the other school next week & observe the "smarty pants" 1st grade class. This is going to sound really shallow, but I don't know how keen I am on the whole idea of Angelina being in a nerd herd. Oh well, I guess we'll just have to wait & see....

On a seperate note, today was the Grayhawk Elementary Kindergarten Heroes Presentation. There was a lot of singing & speech presentations by short people. It was quite impressive given the fact that my kindergarten experience consisted of macaroni art & naps. Anyway, each child had to write a report about a person who made a great contribution to the world.... then dress as his/her hero for the show. There were Barack Obamas, Teddy Roosevelts, Amelia Earharts, etc... Angelina, of course, was Princess Diana. Check out the photos below!

Say What?

So, our family had a typical Easter... The kids hunted eggs, we went to church, I cooked a ham, and both sets of grandparents joined the festivities. And eventho my parents & I were in the same place at the same time, the holiday went off without anything bizarre taking place, which is quite rare & basically unheard of. But don't worry, shortly after everyone left our house on Easter afternoon, the craziness that is my life resumed. When I called my Mother that evening, she mentioned that she had just spoken with a family member - a family member I will refer to as "Ramona" to protect her identity (and to prevent her from killing me once she realizes I am writing about her). In response to my "How is Ramona doing?," my Mother stated in a very deep & solemn voice, "Well, things are NOT going well at all ... Her vagina fell out this evening." SAY WHAT?!?! Talk about looking around to see if you're on "Candid Camera"... Dear God, help us all. Seriously, my life is like "Everybody Loves Raymond" meets the "Twilight Zone". I know what you're thinking, I'm either making all of this up to keep the blog interesting or my Mother is smoking crack. Well, neither is true... BUT, I do encourage all you Ladies to "google" the phrase "vaginal vault prolapse". There, I have done my public service announcement for the day.

Now, onto a less bizarre story involving the Princess & Baby Chippie. I took both girls in for their yearly well-check today. Angelina's exam went smoothly, but Caroline's exam was a completely different story. When the Dr. asked Caroline if she knew her ABC's, Caroline proceeded to sing the ABC Song ... well, until she reached the letter "P". She sang, "L, M, N, O, P and then you Poop". When Caroline was done laughing hysterically at herself, the Dr. asked if she knew what came after "P". Did Caroline say "Q"? Of course not... Instead Caroline explained, "Oh come on, you know poop comes after P". Thankfully the Dr. moved on after I verified that Caroline does, in fact, know the entire alphabet. With the poop humor situation behind us, I felt pretty confident that the rest of the check-up would proceed without incident. Well, I was wrong. When the nurse took Caroline down the hall for her vision test, the wheels fell off the bus. Unlike an adult eye test, which uses the letters of alphabet, the pediatric vision test uses pictures of common kid things, like cows, flowers, etc. So, when Caroline pressed her face up against the "vision testing contraption," she was supposed to report to the nurse the picture she saw on the screen. The test of her right eye went fine. BUT when the nurse asked Caroline to report the pictures she saw with her left eye, Caroline removed her face from the machine & just started reporting the pictures she remembered seeing with her right eye. The ding-dong nurse was so busy writing down Caroline's made-up answers that she never looked up to see that Caroline was not looking into the freakin' machine. After the test was complete, the nurse advised me that while Caroline's right-eye was perfect, she had below-average vision in her left eye & should probably visit an optometrist. Really? Since we had been at the Dr.'s office for over an hour & since I had to get both kids to school, I chose not to explain Caroline's "poor vision" to the nurse.

OCD At Its Best!

As I have mentioned before, I have OCD & for some reason, the holiday season really seems to bring out my mental illness in full force! So to prevent any freaking out on actual Easter Day, I forced the girls to dress up in their Easter dresses & take their Easter photos tonite, Easter Eve. God knows no one wants to suffer through me chasing the kids around tomorrow trying to take their picture while they race around, trying to stuff their mouths with chocolate & peeps. Below are 2 photos of my little Easter chicks!

Here Comes Carly Cotton-Tail!

Every year at Easter, memories of Caroline as a toddler flood my mind. Some little ones hold dear a special blankie or a stuffed animal, but our little Caroline has always treasured her "fuzzy". What is a "fuzzy"? Well, a "fuzzy" is the filler that you would find if you ripped open a stuffed animal or doll. When Caroline was 15 months old, I started buying huge bags of fuzzy from the fabric store. Now that she is the big 4, Caroline only needs a fuzzy when she is going to sleep at nite... But, when she was little she always had a fuzzy in her possession. In fact, Caroline used to take a handful of fuzzy & put it between her little butt cheeks & walk around the house. When she would pass by, we would say, "Here comes Carly Cotton-Tail, hopping down the bunny trail..." AND on that note, I wish everyone a very Happy Easter!

Holy Crap! I Birthed A Genius!

Okay, I must apologize in advance for the obnoxious bragging that I am about to engage in - seriously, this is going to be nauseating, but here goes.... Okay, at Angelina's last parent/teacher conference, Bob & I inquired about Grayhawk Elementary's "gifted & talented" program. Mrs. Kapur explained that to be accepted into the "gifted & talented" program, Angelina would have to pass a rigorous test. In fact, Mrs. Kapur warned that the test was exceptionally hard & that very few, if any, kindergartners take the test, let alone pass it. She handed us a consent form for Angelina to be tested & AGAIN, she reemphasized that the test was realllllly difficult. Well, Bob & I had our parent-blinders on as usual & completely ignored Mrs. Kapur's advice - we signed the consent form & subjected Angelina to the 3-day exam (one exam a day). To qualify for the "gifted & talented" program, a child must score a 97 (99 being a perfect score) on only one of the exams. Well, we received Angelina's test results in the mail yesterday. She scored a 99 on 2 of the exams & a 97 on the third!!!!!!!!!!! When I picked Angelina up from school, I showed Mrs. Kapur the test results & she was speechless! Hell, I'm speechless... And Bob, who doesn't even read my blog because he can't believe I write about the things I write about, asked me this morning, "Did you write about Angelina on your blog?"

Oh Baby Chippie, You're Killing Me!

As I reflect back on this week, I must commend Caroline for all of the effort she put forth trying to drive me crazy.

On Monday, Caroline came home from preschool wearing a different outfit than the one she wore to school. Her teacher explained that Caroline had peed her pants during recess, and that her original outfit could be found in a Ziploc bag located in her backpack. As we drove home, I lectured Caroline on the importance of being a mature & responsible 4 year old. Yes, I am "that" parent. Anyway, as soon as we arrived home I immediately removed Caroline's wet clothes from the Ziploc bag only to discover that her clothes were not wet. In fact, there was not one speck of pee anywhere to be found. When questioned about the alleged pee incident, Caroline confessed that she never peed her pants. She told her teachers that her pants were wet because she wanted to wear the "beautiful dress" that I packed as her "emergency spare outfit."

On Tuesday, as we were leaving ballet & as I was trying to help Caroline into the car, she cast my hand aside and said, "I got it, Punk." Shocked by my new & not-so endearing nickname, I said, "Caroline, you shouldn't call Mommy that". Caroline placed her little hand on my shoulder, looked into my eyes and explained, "Mommy, it's okay... 'Punk' means 'Loser' in Spanish." Oh, thanks for clearing that up, Caroline.

On Thursday afternoon, as Caroline's teacher was buckling her into the car seat, Mrs. Overman says, "Mrs. Mann, I have waited as long as I can to ask you this, but I have to know now... Is it true - Are you having a new baby? We are so excited for you!" Say what? As I turned to look back at Caroline, she turned to Mrs. Overman & whispered, "Ooops, sorry, I was just kidding about that." I wonder how many people Caroline has told that to over the past week... And, how many of those people have seen me out & about drinking wine?!?!

Below is a photo of Baby Chippie sporting the new dress her Aunt Joanie recently sent. Both girls have informed me that they feel "Famous" when they wear it. Who are these children?

A Quick Trip Down Memory Lane

I just got finished reading my dear friend Katharine's blog. Her latest entry detailed her recent labor & delivery of her beautiful daughter, Harper Grace. She had a lovely, NORMAL birth experience. AND after I read her entry, I began reflecting on my own labor & delivery experiences. You see, when I had Angelina my parents were living in Texas. Angelina's whole labor & delivery was quite standard. However, when Caroline made her big debut, my parents were retired & living in Arizona. What difference does that make? Well just so you know, things never proceed normally when my family attends an event together, in fact, we call it the "Fry Factor". AND, the circumstances surrounding Caroline's birth were no exception. First let me give you some background information... When my parents moved to Arizona they bought a house & proceeded to remodel every inch of it. Well, my due date just happened to coincide with my Dad's "backyard project." Three days before my due date, I thought my water broke. The first thing I did was call my parents. When my Mother answered the phone, I told her to meet us at the hospital. My Mother's first response was the following: "Oh dear, your Father just rented a rototiller & he only has it for 24 hours, if we're late returning it, they will charge us an outrageous late fee, are you sure your water broke?". I know, go ahead, reread it. Anyway, both sets of grandparents arrived at the hospital only to learn that my water had not broke... I was just 5 1/2 cm. dilated & 90% effaced!!! That's right, folks, Caroline was basically out & about, helping me walk around AND they sent me home. After Bob threatened to sue the hospital if I had the baby at home, the hospital kindly explained that their maternity unit was full. Seriously? We are talking about a modern North Scottsdale hospital, not some Inn located outside Bethlehem. Fortunately, I was induced 3 days later & my parents came to our house to watch Angelina. About 11am (an hour before I delivered Caroline), Bob asked why my parents & Angelina were not at the hospital. I really wanted my Mother to be present for Caroline's delivery, so I also wondered why they were MIA. When I finally called my house, I was in a panic. My Dad answered the phone & the following conversation took place:

Me: Dad, it's me, what are y'all doing?
Dad: Going crazy, wanna come with us?
Me: What? Dad, seriously, y'all need to get to the hospital now, I am about to have the baby!!!
Dad: What? I thought you were having the baby at 5 o'clock this afternoon... You had Angelina at 5 o'clock.
Me: Dad, birthing babies is not like making a dinner reservation... Just get up here, NOW!!!!

Luckily, my parents & Angelina got to the hospital just in time. But that's not where the fun ends. My Dad came in right after Caroline was born & watched as the nurses cleaned her up, etc. Then Bob's parents came into the room. FYI- Bob's Dad outwardly displays his emotions, whereas my Dad tends to store his emotions on the inside. After admiring Caroline, Bob's Dad walked over to my Dad & said, "David, why don't you go have a look at our beautiful granddaughter"... My Dad responded with, "Oh, I already saw her ... I doubt she's changed in the last five minutes." Of course, this is the same man that would come running out of a room four months later, yelling "She rolled over all by herself, I just saw it, you've got to get in here"!!!! Gotta love Pappa David!!!